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B-Sides

B-Sides: It Stinks!

Few people would even know of Pod People, AKA Extraterrestrial Visitors, AKA Los Nuevos Extraterrestres had it not been famously featured on “Mystery Science Theater 3000". If you’ve ever seen that episode of MST3K, then you already know you’re about to “Hear the Engines Roll”. You also know that “It stinks!”

B-Sides: The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Shook Out of Shape and Became Mixed-Up Zombies

I feel kind of bad that I’ve been doing B-Sides all this time without showcasing anything from the 1964 “first-ever monster musical” The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies. I’m all shook out of shape knowing it has taken me this long.

B-Sides: Never Too Young to Die Listening to this Awful Song

I’m not sure if this weekend’s B-Sides should come with a warning or an apology. The theme song to Never Too Young to Die could very well be the worst song yet, and I’ve spotlighted some pretty damn ear-splitting B-Sides in the past. Do you dare take the “Stargrove” musical challenge?

B-Sides: I'm Dreaming of a Quickening

Was it all just a bad dream? Nope. I’m afraid Highlander 2: The Quickening actually happened. You know a movie exists in a special stratosphere of bad when the filmmakers spend years releasing alternate versions designed to convince us its immortal badness wasn’t their fault.

B-Sides: Music to Help You Get a Killer Workout

If you’re too young to have experienced the aerobics craze of the 1980’s, consider yourself lucky. On the plus side, hot girls in leotards and spandex. On the negative side, pretty much everything else. Also on the plus side, slasher movies about burned and scarred tanning bed victims killing gym members with a giant safety pin.

B-Sides: The Ballad of Bigfoot on Blood Mountain

Tim York is the man heard crooning about Bigfoot during the opening credits of Blood Beast of Monster Mountain AKA Monster Mountain AKA The Legend of McCullough’s Mountain. The lyrics talk of how the tale of the creature changes. Not nearly as many changes as the movie itself went through.

B-Sides: Tell Me a Deadtime Story

One reason Deadtime Stories may not so well remembered today could be because, as its theme song so astutely notes, those bedtime tales we were told as a kid were already quite screwed up when you stop and think about it.

B-Sides: Iggy Pop Wants to Know Why Freddy Was Born

"Why was I born?" That is the refrain Iggy Pop frequently asks in his song about everyone's favorite dream demon. I think the obvious answer to the question as to why Freddy Krueger was born is "to make money". Not the answer Mr. Pop is looking for, but the most honest answer nonetheless.

B-Sides: You’ll End Up Eating Worms

Nobody likes me. Everybody hates me. Guess I’ll go eat worms. Or you could just go watch the bizarro 1977 horror comedy The Worm Eaters. Rarely will you hear a song as cheery as this about a subject as disgusting as worm eating.

B-Sides: From Broadway to Critters

He originated the roles of “Rum Tum Tugger” in Cats and “Beast” in Disney’s Beauty & the Beast on Broadway, twice nominated for a Tony Award, but today Terrence Mann is getting his B-Sides due for his musical performance as hair metal rocker/alien bounty hunter Johnny Steele in Critters.

B-Sides: Gamera Is the Friend of Children Everywhere

Many classic movie monsters have had songs written about them. Few have a theme song that announces their triumphant appearance in the movie itself. Even fewer have theme songs performed by a chorus of children. Gamera is such a monster.

B-Sides: Alice Cooper's Identity Crisis

This weekend’s B-Sides is dedicated to the memory of the late Alice Cooper. No, the horror rocker isn’t actually dead, but he was killed last weekend when he got punted to death in Syfy’s Bigfoot. Not the first time he was mauled on film by a hairy beast.

B-Sides: Bigfoot Is Really Just a Sensuous Tiger

I kind of feel the need to apologize in advance for this one. There is a good chance you might find this week’s B-Sides especially painful. Any time one is forced to listen to half-baked disco music performed by the whitest people imaginable, the results are never pretty. No wonder Bigfoot goes on a rampage.

B-Sides: T-T-T-Toxic Avenger!

Melvin worked at the Tromaville gym, a 90-lb. weakling who got pushed around. They dressed him up in a pink tutu. They beat him up, and they threw him down. He landed in a barrel of waste. Toxic chemicals ate his face. Mutating, energized by Tromatons… This Jersey hero's gonna clean up the place! T-T-T-Toxic Avenger!

B-Sides: Sex Is Not the Problem But This Song Certainly Is

This weekend Rock of Ages terrorizes theaters with 1980’s rock musical overload. This seems like as good a time as any to horrify you with a musical number from a Reagan era sci-fi rock musical. Sex is the least of Voyage of the Rock Aliens' problems.