5 Exorcisms That Brought Those Boys To The Yard
Sharai Bohannon
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Exorcisms might seem daunting to someone who doesn’t know how much money the beauty industry pulls in on our insecurities. Also, it takes forever to get ready to go out even in a good year. But, exorcisms usually require wearing comfy clothes and laying in bed. Those are two things I excel at and try to do everyday anyway. There’s something inspiring about watching a woman look like hell and still have the self-esteem to have people come over so that you can demand their attention. Then when she has their attention read them to filth in front of their cute little friend groups. Alicia Keys can talk a big game about not wearing make-up. Beyoncé wants us to think she woke up like that. However, true queens know a housecoat and the willingness to throw all tea and shade while laying on your back is what true fashion is. Roll me and this oversized t-shirt down the runway, because I’ve taken the notes for all of us. I present, 6 Exorcisms That Brought Those Boys To The Yard.
Abby (1974)
Where You Can Watch: Youtube
Abby, Played by Carol Speed
A man frees a sex demon that travels to the states to possess his daughter-in-law. I’m mad Abby’s father-in-law gave her a demon. I’m also mad he gave her the most active demon on this list. While Abby’s demon made her hit up the the clubs in cute outfits, it knew how to get attention with just a few words and a bit of foaming from the mouth, too. These are definitely techniques I’m going to rely on the next time I’m having a hard time getting men to listen to me. While the demon couldn’t stay, I think Abby took the same lessons as the rest of us. I also just stan gravely voiced women who step into a place and already know they’re not going home alone.
The Cleansing Hour (2019)
Where You Can Watch: Shudder
Lane, Played by Alix Angelis
A fake exorcism live-stream is interrupted by a real demon. This demon did Lane a favor. Her fiancé and his friend had taken these fake exorcisms too far and needed to dissolve this partnership. She could’ve talked it out with him and been branded a nag trying to come between two bros. However, she took the easier way of volunteering to help out and then being possessed on a live stream. While they probably wouldn’t listen to her, they will definitely give a demon murdering their crew the attention and respect most women don’t get when we come in with conflict resolution.
The Exorcism of Emily Rose (2005)
Where You Can Watch: HBOMax and Tubi
Emily Rose, Played by Jennifer Carpenter
A priest is on trial for homicide after an exorcism ends with the death of a young woman. While Emily Rose died before the movie started, I think her tactics at getting attention should still be studied. At first I balked at her for having six entities living inside of her. I thought that was too many and would’ve encouraged her to find another way to stand out from her siblings. After much reflection I’ve come around though. As the philosopher, Beyoncé Knowles, once said, “You know you that bitch when you cause all this conversation.” I’m not not saying her methods will not inspire my third pandemic birthday. While we don’t know if the boy that followed her home from college would’ve become more than a friend, we do know that her and her six friends did get his attention.
The Exorcist (1973)
Where You Can Watch: Netflix
Regan MacNeil Played by Linda Blair
A woman realizes her tween is possessed by something not of this world. Where most 12-year-olds are doing worthless things like going to school and learning about biology, this demon pulled Regan aside gave her real life skills. Regan’s demon showed her how to make an entrance, prioritize rest, speak her mind, and to never be ashamed of her body. Sure our sexist capitalistic society frowns on all of those things, but I’m sure she enjoyed that time and thinks fondly on it. May we all find the Big Demonic Energy to walk into a dinner party wearing a slept-in nightie make someone feel bad about himself and then piss ourselves to show we’re really not impressed with the fakes and phonies that supposedly make up high society. She also put her BDE to use to help her mother get a hot priest to the house in what was so close to being the darkest version of The Parent Trap. Brava!
The Taking of Deborah Logan (2014)
Where You Can Watch: Amazon Prime, Shudder, Tubi, and Vudu
Deborah Logan Played by Jill Larson
A film crew documents an older woman’s battle with Alzheimer’s disease and ends up battling evil forces instead. Deborah proofs that you can turn heads at any age. Life, and possessions, don’t end after you turn 25. This film crew thought they were coming here to pity an old lady. Instead they ended up chasing her through caves and wondering if her demon is part snake. Every time they tried to sleep on her she would raise the bar by doing something even wilder. Give Deborah the the attention she craves! Otherwise, she will steal a kid and force you into search parties. She spends half the movie in a nightgown causing chaos and I think that’s truly iconic. Don’t give me anymore Sex and The City reboots, requels, movies, etc. if Deborah isn’t there.
Bonus Pick
Metamorphosis (2019)
Where You Can Watch: Shudder
A Truly Ensemble Possession
An evil spirit moves in with the family of a priest and takes the appearance of each family member. This demon meets the priest at the top of the movie and leaps out of a window while threatening to find his family. So, already a demon making with the theatrics and coming after my heart. When the demon finds the family it takes turns pretending to be each of them and wrecking havoc in this household. The demon specifically holds court as the mother during a breakfast scene where it has had it with the young son’s thoughts about what’s being served. It also isn’t just content to bring the hot priest uncle here to kill him but also wears his face too because petty is this entity’s love language. Truly inspiring film for those of us who end things on bad terms with an ex, but also want to remind them that we’re the HBIC. The film is also known as Byeonshin.
You can find me at @misssharai but I might be busy levitating in leisurewear.
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