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The Frightening Truth About Steven Seagal’s Career

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The Frightening Truth About Steven Seagal's CareerSteven Seagal has made only one horror movie to date, and that was 2009’s Against the Dark, in which he had a cameo that found him beating off vampires. Yet, here at Dread Central we’ve been known to cover the world of the bizarre and the paranormal. You’re about to learn something about Seagal that is beyond bizarre…

Did you ever notice the strangest thing about Seagal movie titles is that they tell a story in order of their release? No? Check IMDb if you don’t believe. Sit back, dear reader, and allow me to take you on a strange trip filled with action, madmen, and revenge.

Steven Seagal was ABOVE THE LAW, but he was too HARD TO KILL so now he’s been MARKED FOR DEATH by Jamaicans who are OUT FOR JUSTICE. Can he live while UNDER SIEGE and ON DEADLY GROUND? Could you survive while UNDER SIEGE 2? It was time for him to make an EXECUTIVE DECISION about THE GLIMMER MAN. There’s a FIRE DOWN BELOW and only Seagal, THE PATRIOT that he is, can heal the EXIT WOUNDS left in his TICKER. Despite being HALF PAST DEAD, THE FOREIGNER who was OUT FOR A KILL emerged from the BELLY OF THE BEAST.

His name was CLEMENTINE.

Safety was OUT OF REACH for Seagal, but still… he walked INTO THE SUN until he was SUBMERGED into the Pacific Ocean by a threat unknown. “TODAY YOU DIE,” yelled Clementine as the BLACK DAWN rose. But Steven is a MERCENARY FOR JUSTICE, a SHADOW MAN, an ATTACK FORCE all his own! His FLIGHT OF FURY would unleash some cold hard URBAN JUSTICE as he PISTOL WHIPPED the man whose true motivation was to stop the filming of THE ONION MOVIE. Seagal hit the KILL SWITCH and found himself AGAINST THE DARK.

DRIVEN TO KILL by a need to administer justice, Seagal headed out to take care of a new half-robotic enemy known as THE KEEPER, A DANGEROUS MAN with a MACHETE, who was BORN TO RAISE HELL. It was time for this clown to experience the SHEEP IMPACT of Seagal’s “TRUE JUSTICE.” It was with MAXIMUM CONVICTION and an unbelievable FORCE OF EXECUTION that Seagal disposed of his CYBORG NEMESIS.

A GOOD MAN until the very end, thanks to his ability to get his GUTSHOT STRAIGHT, Seagal has finally found ABSOLUTION.

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Steve Barton

You're such an inspiration for the ways that I will never, ever choose to be.

  • Terminal

    Either Creepy is pulling a Carlos Mencia, or I remember this joke being posted on DC five years ago. Not that it’s not a humorous play on the titles, mind you.

    • theGoldenSimatar

      It did bring up memories of Foywonder linking the Platinum Dunes remakes to The Number 23

      • Steve Barton

        Five years ago… you are correct. The funny thing is I was able to continue “the story” given his latest titles five years later. LOL

  • Cinemascribe

    Slow horror news day?

    • Steve Barton

      Just as oddservation, if you will.

      • Cinemascribe

        “oddservation”. Awesome! That was actualy pretty cool how you connected all the titles. You don’t really realize how many movies that guy actually made until you read something like this.

  • theGoldenSimatar

    o.0