1313: Bigfoot Island (2012)

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1313bigfootislands - 1313:  Bigfoot Island (2012)Starring Kathryn Collins, Adam Ballantyne, Steven Love, Callum Gunn

Directed by David DeCoteau

Last year, against my better judgment, I watched a movie entitled 1313: Giant Killer Bees! (review here). I knew it was made for pennies on the dollar, but I did not care. I knew it was part of David DeCoteau’s “1313” line of cheaply made homoerotic horror films but did not care. I love nature gone amok movies and was willing to put up with no-budget special effects and guy-on-guy just so long as I got some fun killer bee action. What I got was a barely 70-minute movie with less than a minute of a single poorly animated giant bee padded with endlessly long scenes of shirtless young men either caressing their torsos in slow motion or walking around not saying or doing a damn thing. To describe the movie as “insufferable” would be like describing the Holocaust as “unfortunate”.

I vowed afterwards to never again subject myself to another “1313” movie. Then DeCoteau went and announced he was making 1313: Bigfoot Island. It’s like he did it just to taunt me. He knew my passion for Sasquatchploitation and wanted to draw me in like a fly to a spider’s web.

Knowing what I experienced last time and knowing that a few of you out there read my 1313: Giant Killer Bees! in disbelief, I decided from the outset that I should probably make it a real-time review, something I haven’t done in a long time. What you are about to read are my actual thoughts in real time as I was watching the film. Without this timeline I don’t think I could fully convey to you in words, fully make you understand clearly and precisely why 1313: Bigfoot Island will go down as one of the worst – quite possibly the worst – movies I have ever had the grave misfortune of experiencing in my entire life. That is not hyperbole. You are about to find out why.

00:00:01 – Here goes nothing.

00:02:31 – The title finally appears after what amounts to a full two-and-a-half minutes of establishing shots set to ominous music. You know you’re in deep trouble when the director is already padding his movie before the title has even appeared.

00:03:31 – It seems the title card was merely inserted to break up the monotony of this extended Canadian wilderness montage. Not even credits – just random scenery.

00:03:50 – Hey, a person! The movie might actually be starting. What a shock; a young guy with washboard abs not wearing a shirt.

00:04:30 – Joy! Now we’re just watching a guy walking around the woods.

00:08:00 – Recapping the movie thus far: the woods, a guy, some growling.

00:08:20 – He just made a phone call. Lousy Canadians can get better cellular phone reception in the middle of nowhere than we Americans can.

00:09:45 – And we now return you to the exciting adventures of a shirtless backpacker on a nature hike.

00:11:15 – A pretty girl spots him and has a quick flashback to something he said to her, I think. That was odd. I wonder what that was ab…

00:11:50 – Never mind. Back to him walking about the woods.

00:12:00 – “Is somebody there?” he asks. Yes, it’s the audience. We’re bored. Do something already, and I don’t mean lay down on the ground and slowly rub your abs.

00:13:13 – I take it back. At this point I would welcome laying on the ground touching yourself in slow motion because at least it would by something other than walking around not saying or doing anything.

00:13:40 – Bigfoot just ran past the camera. Or it might have been a guy in a Smokey the Bear suit late for an “only you” commercial shoot. Not quite sure yet.

00:14:00 – And we’re back to some guy walking through the woods. I would fast forward except I’m afraid pushing the button would upstage the action on the screen.

00:15:00 – Once again updating the movie thus far: not a goddamn thing.

00:15:29 – What is up with this Bigfoot’s face? It’s like someone transformed into a were-Rocky Dennis.

00:16:30 – Bigfoot is clearly the king of procrastination. Do something already! For the love of god, somebody do something; say something; anything other than more woods walking! If Bigfoot wants to lie on the ground and slowly caress himself in an erotic manner I’ll take it.

00:16:50 – Bigfoot has begun chasing him. Finally! It’s only taken 17-minutes to do what any other movie could have done in less than 2.

00:18:00 – I don’t freakin’ believe this! Now we’re just watching both of them run around the woods endlessly. Bigfoot is never going to catch the dude at this rate because every time they cut to the big hairy guy he’s running in a different direction.

00:18:30 – That’s it? Over 18 minutes spent just so Bigfoot could fatally slap the guy with his hand and the actual death slapping took place off-camera? Is David DeCoteau the biggest hack filmmaker in the business today or what?

00:18:31 – FUCK THIS MOVIE!

00:19:00 – The love child of Zac Efron and Justin Bieber has just drove up to a cabin. He’s wearing a shirt but it’s unbuttoned.

00:19:40 – That girl is watching him from the woods as he talks on the phone. I swear if the next 16 minutes is just this guy walking around the cabin…

00:21:00 – He’s getting undressed for a shower. I’m amazed it took DeCoteau this long.

00:23:00 – That didn’t take long at all. Over 16 minutes of a shirtless backpacker in the woods yet only two of a guy showering? Is DeCoteau targeting the rarely catered to gay nature hiking enthusiast demographic with this film?

00:24:40 – A new guy is walking to the cabin. In a surprise development, he’s shirtless.

00:26:00 – God almighty! Yet more filler as a guy walks around the woods mixed with POV of Bigfoot skulking about the woods interrupted only by another brief phone call. There isn’t even any pretty scenery to look at this time. So much deforestation it looks like Paul Bunyan rampaged through this area high on meth.

00:31:00 – This movie is the reason why Kirk Cameron doesn’t like gays and for reasons that don’t actually pertain to homosexuality.

00:32:15 – “Oh, great spirit of the forest, avenge me. Avenge your maiden.” This young woman is sitting on a rock praying to Bigfoot.

00:32:30 – Wait a minute. DeCoteau cuts to a cave from which we hear Bigfoot growling as if to signify her prayer ceremony has awoken the monster to action. But we’ve already been watching Bigfoot stalk this guy for the past seven minutes!

00:34:20 – Something this guy sees before him makes him stop dead in his tracks. The camera zooms in on a section of trees in the distance, accompanied by a loud crash on the soundtrack. Bigfoot is… Not there. A quick cut to stock footage we’ve seen multiple times already of the guy in the Bigfoot suit walking forward in an open field. Cut back to the tree line as the camera pulls back almost as if the cinematographer has realized they made a mistake zooming in the first place. The guy runs away in terror. This is hack filmmaking on an awe-inspiring scale. This isn’t even filmmaking. I don’t know what to call this.

00:35:16 – Ten more minutes of nothing just to end in another off-camera Bigfoot bitchslap. FUCK THIS MOVIE!

00:35:50 – Another guy arrives on the island via ferry. That wasn’t a gay joke. Ferry. F-E-R-R-Y. Grow up, people.

00:36:00 – His turn to make a phone call. The process begins anew, except this time – brace yourselves – he’s wearing a shirt.

00:39:00 – He’s gone kayaking. At least he’s not walking about the woods. Business is picking up.

00:40:00 – The Efron-Bieber human cloning hybrid experiment decides to go for a run in the woods. We’re about to get nothing but a guy kayaking and a guy jogging for 15 minutes, aren’t we?

00:40:45 – Guess not. Kayaker has come ashore.

00:41:00 – And there’s goes the shirt.

00:42:16 – He’s just sunning himself on the very uncomfortable looking rocky shore. I believe this scene was guest directed by Victor Salva.

00:44:45 – I just noticed Bieberfron put a shirt on to go jogging. He wears an unbuttoned shirt to go driving but puts on a shirt to go jogging. Figure that one out.

00:46:30 – You know what would make this more exciting? Anything.

00:49:00 – I bet you could go to any costume shop in the country right this very moment and rent a better looking Bigfoot costume. No wonder DeCoteau tries to blur or obscure it as much as possible.

00:50:15 – Bigfoot fatally whacked the tanning guy across the face with his kayak. This might have been a fun moment if not for the hopelessly incompetent staging, framing, and editing. You know; like maybe not showing Bigfoot swinging his arm that clearly is not holding a 15-foot kayak before showing a section of kayak zoom past the victim’s face so unconvincingly it required two edits in mid-motion. David DeCoteau has been directing movies for nearly 30 years. Watching this you’d think he’d only been doing so for 30 minutes.

00:50:55 – “The fun has finally arrived!” Fuck you.

00:51:30 – Two more young men. Another phone call. These conversations are all there is that constitutes a plot.

00:52:50 – “Great forest spirit, prepare your worst?” You mean things can actually get worse than the previous 52 minutes?

00:53:30 – What the hell is going on? One of the new guys is running down a road and the other – suddenly shirtless – is running through the woods? Are they having a foot race to the cabin to see who can get there first taking different paths?

00:54:00 – Why do I suddenly feel like I’m watching b-roll of the foot race from the end of Meatballs.

00:59:00 – Take a wild guess what I’m still watching. No. No. Go on. Guess.

01:01:00 – “This isn’t funny!” This isn’t a whole lot of adjectives.

1:02:00 – Hi, Curse of Bigfoot, it’s me, Foy. Remember that time I called you the worst Bigfoot movie ever made? I just called to apologize. I’m so very sorry.

1:04:30 – The movie that puts the running in running time. More of this movie’s running time is devoted to characters running and jogging than that of Forrest Gump and Chariots of Fire combined.

1:05:20 – Another fatal off-camera slap death. Imagine all the incompetence of Birdemic without any of the laughs.

1:07:20 – Let me see if I got this straight. A year ago all of these guys gathered at this cabin to party and ended up raping this cute girl who appears to live all alone in the forest. For this year’s get-together she’s using some sort of ancient forest magic to compel Bigfoot to kill her attackers. Really should have titled this movie I Squatch on Your Grave.

1:09:15 – This particular guy must have really wronged her because Bigfoot is death slapping him repeatedly. And still all we are allowed to see is the blurry Bigfoot swinging his arms at the camera. Gotta maintain that PG – Pointless Garbage, that is.

01:10:30 – What? They didn’t rape her? They just made vulgar comments to her and got fresh with her? The Bieberfron guy pulled them off of her before things could get out of hand? And she still went to supernatural lengths to have them killed for that? Doesn’t that kind of make her, I don’t know, evil? At the very least it makes her a psycho bitch.

01:12:00 – She is an evil psycho bitch. She’ll let Bieberfron live only if he agrees to live with her forever in the forest. I’ll admit it; I didn’t see that coming. Then again, up until this moment, there was nothing coming for anyone to see.

01:12:30 – Roll credits. That’s the ending? That’s it? That’s all? Mark the time stamp. I’m making it official. David DeCoteau is worse than Ulli Lommel.

01:13:00 – STORY BY DAVID DECOTEAU AND CHARLIE MEADOWS. A 72-minute movie with 72 seconds worth of plot and it took two people to come up with it? Did one of them say “Bigfoot” and the other say “island”?

01:16:08 – Nearly four minutes of end credits. Plenty of time to look back upon the movie you just watched and contemplate all the poor life choices you’ve made that led up to your doing so.

I cannot even begin to comprehend why 1313: Bigfoot Island exists. I cannot fathom anyone that would derive entertainment from watching it or why any self-respecting filmmaker would be willing to put their name on it. It is easily one of the worst monster movies I have ever seen. It is without a doubt one of the worst movies of any kind I have ever seen. I hate to even describe it as a movie at all. Since there’s barely any of the overtly homoerotic stuff for that specific audience, using that argument to defend the film doesn’t fly either. Just who the hell was supposed to be the target audience for this film besides snarky online movie critics who should have known better than to watch it in the first place?

fthis - 1313:  Bigfoot Island (2012)

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