Fury: The Tales of Ronan Pierce (UK DVD)


Fury UK DVD SleeveStarring Michael McCarthy, Kane Hodder, Jordan Elizabeth, Wade Gallagher

Directed by Kevin McCarthy

Distributed by Monster Pictures UK

In Kevin McCarthy’s comic book-styled Fury: The Tales of Ronan Pierce, eponymous rogue cop Ronan takes the law into his own hands in the wake of his family’s targeting by the brutal and sadistic criminal overlords that rule his city from the shadows.

Cue lots of low budget violence, brutality, torture, popular comic pastiche and some of the most horrendously obnoxious ADR you’ll ever bear witness to.

Now, with that out of the way — and so that spending these precious few minutes of your life reading this isn’t a complete waste of time — here are 5 Amazing Facts That You Probably Didn’t Know (Number 3 Will Blow Your Mind).

Feel free to take these with you so that you can astound your friends/colleagues/postman/pets with your scholarly insight into totally random popular misconceptions at your next meeting/cocktail party/housewarming/orgy or whatever. You’re welcome.

FACT 1: The fear of the number 666 is called Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia.

FACT 2: Human beings actually have at least 9 separate, scientifically agreed senses. Alongside the primary pentad of Sight, Hearing, Taste, Touch and Smell, it is now commonly agreed that Thermoception (the sense of heat on our skin), Equilibrioception (our sense of balance), Nociception (perception of pain) and Proprioception (the unconscious sense of where our body parts are in relation to the rest of us at any one time, even when they’re out of sight) are standard senses that are at the core of our biology. Eat that, M. Night Shyamalan.

FACT 3: In ancient Rome, when the Emperor desired the death of a defeated gladiatorial combatant… he gave their opponent the thumb up. The signal for fighters to be spared was, in fact, the thumb tucked into a closed fist. The thumb down was never a gesture in these times. Eat that, Ridley Scott.

FACT 4: Contrary to popular belief, chameleons do not intentionally change colours in order to blend in as camouflage. They merely change colour in response to emotional state — for example fear, excitement or sexual stimulation. The actual colour produced is decided by skin pigments reflecting different spectrums of light, and is ostensibly random. They’re also deaf.

FACT 5: The guillotine was not, in fact, invented by Dr. Joseph Ignace Guillotin. He suggested the initial idea of such a standardised and efficient method of execution in 1789, but was shot down by the French National Assembly. Regardless, Dr. Antoine Louis took the idea and ran with it, eventually producing what was known in its early days as the Louison or Louisette in 1792. Still, Guillon’s name became attached to the device despite him being a rather humane and pacifistic fellow — and there it remains despite the protestations of his family.

Many thanks to the QI Book of General Ignorance for these, and many, many other enlightening anecdotes.

Alright… I guess I owe a few more words on Fury. Listen — I don’t like to be the bad guy. I don’t get off on being an asshole, and I don’t like to pick on the little guy in any situation.

But I also don’t like to have my time so completely, inexorably pissed away by shoddy, talentless product like Fury: The Tales of Ronan Pierce.

The Sin City-on-a-shoestring vibe doesn’t work at all. The acting is atrocious, except, perhaps, for Brad Potts and Harry Aspinwall as a couple of decent villans. Kane Hodder does his best but just looks lost for the whole couple of minutes that he’s involved. Editing and direction are simultaneously all over the place — including a fast-mo club sequence that suddenly made both the “eject” button and the copy of Punisher: War Zone on my shelf look very, very inviting indeed — and the eye-pummeling visuals, which somehow manage to be both garish and indecipherably murky at the same time, make it seem as though the production team have figured out the first technological step toward capturing moving images using only a carrot… but have just reached the prototype stage at this point in time.

No more. That’s it. Hey, go ahead and watch it — you might love the hell out of it, and can tell me I’m being unfair. I don’t even know at this point. All I know is that, for the first time in what has been an incredibly long time, I was genuinely, deeply angry that I had to continue to bear witness to a film.

Monster Pictures bring Fury: The Tales of Ronan Pierce to UK DVD looking like it was shot, edited, mastered and transferred to disc through the magic of CarrotVision(tm). No special features worth mentioning, thank fuck.

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