See Five New Asylum Trailers Featuring Zombies, Cannibals, Satanic Babies, Biblical Disasters, and Hobbits

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Danny Trejo battles zombies! Bai Ling saves Hobbits! Monica Keena builds an ark! Dee Wallace eats Hansel & Gretel. The antichrist is born… again! It can only mean The Asylum has new trailers for its next five releases!

Get your first look at Rise of the Zombies, Age of the Hobbits, 40 Days and Nights, Hansel & Gretel, and 12/12/12 below.

Enjoy Thanksgiving because it will probably be our last, at least if anything visualized in the preview for 40 Days and Nights comes to fruition circa November 27th when the film washes ashore via DVD/VOD.

When a colossal tectonic shift causes the sea level to start rising, a microbiologist (Monica Keena, Freddy vs. Jason) gathers the DNA of as many species as she can, while the military creates an “ark” in a desperate attempt to preserve life on Earth.

Judging by the trailer, this variation of the story of Noah’s Ark owes less to the Bible and more to Roland Emmerich’s 2012.

12 12 12 - See Five New Asylum Trailers Featuring Zombies, Cannibals, Satanic Babies, Biblical Disasters, and HobbitsLast year The Asylum made an Omen-esque horror movie based around the date 11/11/11. This year there’ll be a December 12, 2012, so you better believe they’ve made yet another Rosemary’s Baby-ish horror flick built around that date.

#HoldYourBreath director Jared Cohn handled writing and directing duties on this date with damnation.

When baby Sebastian is born on 12/12/12, everyone around him starts to die. Soon his mother realizes that her son is the spawn of Hell.

12/12/12 will be released on – you guessed it – 12/4/12. Wait. What? Not even seven days later when it’ll be 12/11/12?

With the first installment of Peter Jackson’s The Hobbit being arguably the biggest blockbuster of the Christmas season, nobody should be surprised The Asylum is getting in on the action with its own version. Age of the Hobbits stars Christopher Judge of “Stargate SG-1” and Bai Ling, aka the insane hooker from Crank 2, as guardians of a race of little people whose name is, apparently, not copyrighted by the Tolkien estate as one might imagine.

In an age long ago, the last village of clever, peace-loving Hobbits is attacked and enslaved by the Java Men, komodo-worshipping, dragon-riding cannibals. Now the young Hobbit Goben, along with his father and sister, must seek help from the “giants” (human hunters) to find the Javas’ lair and rescue the last surviving Hobbits, Goben’s mother among them. In their quest to destroy the Javas, the heroic partnership of humans and Hobbits will transform both species forever.

My first reaction after watching this trailer is that somewhere in heaven Cirio Santiago is looking down and giving this film a great big thumbs up.

The Asylum already has its first film of 2013 in the can. No doubt capitalizing on the upcoming Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters, their version of the classic fairy tale Hansel & Gretel is more of a modern retelling and forsakes the big screen version’s over-the-top, f/x-laden, Stephen Sommers-esque action for more of a down-to-earth fright flick about two teenagers held captive in a house of cannibals led by Dee Wallace (The Howling, Gremlins).

In this modern retelling of the classic horror tale, teen siblings are enslaved by a psychotic recluse within her gruesome house of horrors in the woods.

Boo director Anthony Ferrante directs from a script by Jose Prendes, and I have got to say this looks really good. I don’t mean cheesy good or so-bad-it’s-good; I mean it looks like it has the potential to be a pretty damn good horror movie judging by the preview. Seriously, look for yourself.

Finally, we end at the beginning with the 30-second commercial Syfy has released promoting the October 27th premiere of Rise of the Zombies, The Asylum’s follow-up to last year’s Zombie Apocalypse, which was a big ratings hit for Syfy.

Nobody from Zombie Apocalypse returns (except the director), and I’m not even sure it’s meant to be a sequel. This time Danny Trejo (Machete, Predators), LeVar Burton (“Star Trek: The Next Generation”, “Reading Rainbow”), and Mariel Hemingway (Star 80, Bad Moon) star as survivors of the same/another zombie apocalypse trying to escape from Alcatraz in the San Francisco Bay.

This Asylum/Syfy team-up was originally produced under the title Dead Walking, but someone must have thought that was too mockbustery (or were a bit gun-shy after the whole Battleship/American Battleship/American Warships lawsuit this past summer). Personally, I much prefer Dead Walking over Rise of the Zombies simply because “rise”, “rises”, and “rising” are getting overused in movie titles the past few years.

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