13 Ways to Die In a Zombie Apocalypse
Cherokee Hall
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If you love zombies, like everyone else, then I’m sure you’ve thought about what you would do when the eventual zombie apocalypse happens. Unfortunately for you, the only place you’ve gotten any ideas is from the movies. The kind of “advice” they spew out in the form of “plot” will make you the best seller on the McZombie dollar value menu before you know it. Basically you’d last about as long in the apocalypse as Lamar Odom’s wallet in a brothel.
Lucky for you, the folks at Escape from Zombies have come together with Dread Central to save your life by identifying 13 zombie movie ideas that totally work in movies but would make you a zombie shish kabob in real life. So, unless your life is a movie, do not try these at home… during the zombie apocalypse, that is.
1. Just act like a zombie… they’ll never know the difference.
See a massive mob of the living dead moseying your way? Just walk like a T-Rex that has Tourette’s and a broken leg, and no one will be the wiser. If you mimic their walk and growl, they’ll think you are one of them.
WRONG! Zombies use their sense of smell to track their prey. They’ll have a more acute sense of smell than we humans have now, and it will be on par with our ancestors who used to fight off cave bears and dinosaurs. Smell is the main reason they can tell each other from humans, and they aren’t eating each other all the time. They’ll sniff you out as a faux zombie within seconds.
2. Cover yourself in zombie gunk so they won’t notice you.
Let’s say during the zombie apocalypse you find yourself inside a building knee-deep in zombie corpses and you need to get out of there and back to your safe house… BUT swarming outside the building at every exit is a horde of those undead bastards. So you decide to grab some freshly dead zombie goo and lather yourself up. You’ll blend in since they use smell and all. You’ll be able to walk among them unharmed.
WRONG! First of all, if you have any open wounds, accidentally get some in your eye, swallow some, or get it too far up your nose, there’s a good chance you just infected yourself in the dumbest possible way. Second, you don’t know if “fresh zombie goo” will even mask the smell enough to turn them away from you. After all, the chances of any place having running water is very low so it’ll have been a long time since you had your last shower, and you know how stinky you get from just a long weekend on the couch doing the new “Let’s watch Netflix and chill” pickup line on that hottie you pretend to know.
3. Splattering the dead without a face mask.
Without a doubt there will come a time where you’ll have no other choice but to fight your way out of a jam. So grab your trusty brains-bashing weapon and scream “Play Ball” as you wade neck-deep in a pool of zombies. Wearing a face mask of course, right? No?
WRONG! Let’s say that you are capable of bashing in a skull with one stroke. Are you also capable of dodging all the muck and grey matter that will come splattering out? Let me answer that for you, speedy… No, you are not. If any of that stuff gets in your mouth, eyes, or too far up your nose, guess what. You’ve just joined Team Zombie without getting bit.
4. Blindly run into a building for supplies.
This is just poor planning on your part and will eventually lead to getting trapped inside where more zombies lay in wait for food delivery. It’s not hard to plan your route out and include a Plan B, C, D, E, or more. Never enter a building without at least knowing where the exits are. Keep in mind that once you are in a building, you should feel free to tear the walls down if you have to. If there’s only one way into a room via a door, there are probably many ways out via a drop ceiling or even knocking a hole through some drywall. They can bill you later for any damage… if “they” even survived the zombie apocalypse.
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