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Hell Hath No Fury...







In the last holiday shopping entry (dig it here), I stressed the importance of paying more attention to your inner child by offering it a traditional standby imbued with a little morbid flair. This week, I’m here to help you avoid certain doom by getting you pointed in the direction of all the dark and lovely ladies in your life. Not only do you want to make sure you’ve got those special sweeties on the gift giving radar, you want it to be perfectly obvious that you’ve got the wherewithal and taste to snag ‘em something special yet still cool enough that she’ll allow in the house.

I want your skullsUrban Outfitters is here to help. Not exactly the first place you'd go looking for ghastly accoutrements but someone over there wants to throw us a few bones like these kickin’ skull and spider sheet sets that aren’t just for boys!

Keep away pesky sunlight!Spread these babies on your dream-machine and feel wicked all night long. If the sheets aren’t enough, let the lady coordinate with some blood red and black floral curtains and listen! Be sure to order fast! The bedding items have been discounted which typically means "discontinued" and then you’ll have to pray to the dark ones for them to hit shelves again in the near future. Maybe the walls and boudoir don’t need re-decorating or maybe you’re shopping for a girl who’s better left alone while in Martha Stewart mode.

He's just big-boned!In that case, go for the soft spot 8 out of 10 females have (whether they admit it or not) and get a load of the Creature Co-Op and their undeniably cool I-must-have-one-of-each-NOW plush creations. I’m determined to acquire both Yeti and Porco as soon as possible (and maybe a green Klong) but seriously? They are all totally BADASS and you know she’d love at least two of them.

Don't take him camping...Every monster creation is handmade and with the return/exchange policy looking pretty cut and dry, you could totally buy an entire menagerie and if you can’t figure out how to wrap them all in one big super duper, oh my God what could it BE package? Well then just contact customer service and send some back. I’m sure another, more loving buyer would rather have your orphans anyway... Grinch...

Casual, dressy, only $30Lastly, if monsteriffic plush and trendy yet ghoulish home fashions simply won’t do, there’s always tradition. Not flowers or chocolate (mmm, chocolate...) or perfume but gorgeous shiny, sparkly trinkets. Yessss, hypnotize her with rings and bangles.

Say yes to bootyRecommended by Dread Central’s own personal Woman in Black (yeah that’s capital W, capital B worm), After Dark Jewelry has the selection and quality backing up their designs. The website is a breeze to navigate with specials and best sellers singled out if you’re on a budget or just can’t decide and I must say, After Dark’s methods of displaying their shiny wares are just as fine as the products.

Prices range between $8 and $75 for bracelets, earrings, and necklaces with choices varying from the overtly gothic to ornate and classic pieces. They even have a gift registry service/wish list service.

So yeah, it’s simple. Hell hath no fury indeed and I hope this starter guide has been helpful in preparing you for the enjoyment of the holiday gift giving to come.

And seriously, before Hell could even begin to meekly dip its puny toes into the black depths of a righteously pissed off female, she’d be toasting its sweetmeats over an open fire, casually chatting on her pink, devil horned cell phone...

Don’t let this happen to you!

- Michelle Lee

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