Titanic II (2010)



Titanic II ReviewReviewed by The Foywonder

Starring Shane Van Dyke, Marie Westbrook, Bruce Davison, Brooke Burns, Michelle Glavan, Carey Van Dyke

Written and directed by Shane Van Dyke


On the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the "Titanic" on its maiden voyage, a modern luxury liner christened "Titanic II" sets sail on its own maiden voyage. A huge chunk of a Greenland glacier collapses into the ocean, setting off an 800 mph tsunami that pushes an iceberg right into the ship and causing history to repeat itself. As the voyagers and crew attempt to abandon ship, an even more massive chunk of glacier collapses, unleashing a mega tsunami high enough to knock planes out of the sky heading straight for the already floundering "Titanic II".

It sounds like the makings of a deranged parody film. Titanic II is anything but. Nary a whiff of irony is to be found; this latest offering from The Asylum doesn't so much as wink at the audience. That approach is also what sinks Titanic II more so than any walls of water or blocks of ice. Take away the novelty of the "Titanic II" name, and you're left with a rather trite Poseidon Adventure-ish disaster flick made on the cheap. It's not good enough to be engrossing, nor is it made to be intentionally bad, and even as silly as the scenario is, none of it is ever quite silly enough to provide unintentional fun. Action and suspense are constantly hampered by the low budget and the special effects answer the question, "What would James Cameron's Titanic have been like if most of the digital effects looked like animation from a Wii cut scene?"

But wasn't so much of Titanic's success due to the love story? The rich douchebag (writer-director Shane Van Dyke; looking at him I'd swear he was related to Reb Brown, not Dick Van Dyke) with the audacity to build a luxury liner named "Titanic II" has the nerve to arrive on the ship on which his working class ex-girlfriend is employed as a nurse walking arm-in-arm with a harem of Tiger Woods' hand-me-downs; we're expected to buy him as the romantic hero when history goes for a twofer. He's really just a poor little rich kid at heart, bland as can be, still opining for that even blander girl from a lower social class. Her heart really belongs to daddy (old pro Bruce Davison, conveniently playing a Coast Guard search and rescue pilot determined to save his little girl from the sinking, and later exploding, ship). This romance was all wet even before the first tidal wave hit.

Assuming someone ever did have the gall to build a modern luxury liner and dub it "Titanic II", would you really want to take a trip on it? If nothing else, wouldn't you at least wait until it had its maiden run just to make absolute certain history didn't repeat itself? Maybe that explains why the extras playing the first passengers aboard for this lavish luxury liner designed to be the most extravagant on the planet look more like random tourists recruited from lines at SeaWorld than the upper crust of high society that set sail on the original in 1912.

Did I mention that Brooke Burns is also in the film? She is. Did I mention what her role is? That's because she doesn't have much of one.

Unless my mind was playing tricks on me, I'd swear the TITANIC II name kept disappearing and reappearing from the side of the ship's bow.

You know what bugged me the most about Titanic II? An 800 mph tsunami is cutting a swath across the Atlantic toward the US, followed by an even more devastating mega tsunami. So much focus on the plight of this one cruise ship and next to nothing is said about the catastrophic implications these waves could have on the Eastern seaboard of the United States and every poor island in between. I saw that episode of "Mega Disaster" on the History Channel about mega tsunamis, and let me assure you if such an event ever occurs, there are going to be greater tragedies awaiting us than the loss of a few hundred people aboard a luxury liner foolishly named after one of history's greatest tragedies. This to me is like making a movie about the peril of passengers trapped aboard a bus that has broken down on railroad tracks in the path of an oncoming Nazi train transporting Jews to Auschwitz; the greater devastation occurs when that train reaches its final destination, not the well-being of the people in the bus it hits on the way there.

Titanic II - Trailer
Uploaded by dreadcentral. - Watch feature films and entire TV shows.

For those of you wondering why this movie is being reviewed on Dread Central in the first place, I did a story about it several months back as a total goof because of how ridiculous the very notion of anyone making a Titanic II movie is. The trailer you see above went on to do over 170,000 hits. It's become something of a running joke behind the scenes at DC. A pity the punchline didn't prove more amusing.

1 1/2 out of 5

Discuss Titanic II in our forums!




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James Coker's picture

...sigh....
Sirand and Terminal COME ON!!!!
the site is not phasing out of horror
there's a few Non-Horror related things every now and then but THAT IT


Submitted by James Coker on Thu, 08/26/2010 - 1:06am.
Sirand's picture

Joking, dude. Joking.


Submitted by Sirand on Thu, 08/26/2010 - 11:47am.
Terminal's picture

Yes, Sirand was just joking. God leave him alone.
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"We are bad guys. That means we've got more to do other than bullying companies. It's fun to lead a bad man's life."


Submitted by Terminal on Thu, 08/26/2010 - 2:16pm.
And this is
Sirand's picture

And this is horror...HOW?

Just making up for the absence of Terminal's douchebagerry.


Submitted by Sirand on Wed, 08/25/2010 - 9:07pm.
Terminal's picture

That's uncalled for, Sirand. You know, comments like that hurt my head and they hurt my heart, and I stay up nights whimpering to Steely Dan and that's just not fair. I mean... *whimpers*

But the fact you're aware of the site's phasing out of horror and are cushioning it by making jokes, shows you're not truly incompetent.

But seriously, the comments are really mean, man. Really mean. Take a good look and you'll see the tracks of my tears. Stop it.

God if you love me so much why don't you marry me?
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"We are bad guys. That means we've got more to do other than bullying companies. It's fun to lead a bad man's life."


Submitted by Terminal on Wed, 08/25/2010 - 10:39pm.
Foywonder's picture

We're phasing out horror? That must explain why only 99 out of 100 articles we post are directly related to the horror genre. How did I not see this before?


Submitted by Foywonder on Wed, 08/25/2010 - 11:06pm.
Sirand's picture

Terminal caught on to us, dude. We should just come clean right now...

Starting October 17th, this site will be officially called UNICORN CENTRAL. Sorry, guys.


Submitted by Sirand on Thu, 08/26/2010 - 12:18am.
Terminal's picture

Sirand, are you being sarcastic? I'm sensing some sarcasm from you. Hmmm... you're a screenwriter aren't you? I think you can do much better than a joke about unicorns. Try again.
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"We are bad guys. That means we've got more to do other than bullying companies. It's fun to lead a bad man's life."


Submitted by Terminal on Thu, 08/26/2010 - 12:23am.
admin moderator Terminal, STFU.
Jon Condit's picture

Terminal, STFU.


Submitted by Jon Condit on Thu, 08/26/2010 - 2:00pm.
Terminal's picture

That's uncalled for Jon. I'll meet you in the playground after school.
----------
"We are bad guys. That means we've got more to do other than bullying companies. It's fun to lead a bad man's life."


Submitted by Terminal on Thu, 08/26/2010 - 2:18pm.
admin moderator Hahaha. It's so on!
Jon Condit's picture

Hahaha. It's so on!


Submitted by Jon Condit on Thu, 08/26/2010 - 2:43pm.
Terminal's picture

Bring your Pokemon cards or else.
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"We are bad guys. That means we've got more to do other than bullying companies. It's fun to lead a bad man's life."


Submitted by Terminal on Mon, 08/30/2010 - 2:53pm.
Terminal's picture

Foy stay out of lover's quarrels. No good can come from it.
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"We are bad guys. That means we've got more to do other than bullying companies. It's fun to lead a bad man's life."


Submitted by Terminal on Wed, 08/25/2010 - 11:17pm.
Sirand's picture

"God if you love me so much why don't you marry me?"

Cause California still won't allow it.


Submitted by Sirand on Wed, 08/25/2010 - 10:57pm.
Terminal's picture

Sirand, tell me more about my eyes.
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"We are bad guys. That means we've got more to do other than bullying companies. It's fun to lead a bad man's life."


Submitted by Terminal on Wed, 08/25/2010 - 11:16pm.

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