5

Killer Nurse (2008)

Killer Nurse reviewReviewed by The Foywonder

Starring Steve Robert Olson, Pia Pownall, Hollie Overton, Collette Claire, Victoria Lea, Jaquelyn Aurora

Written & Directed by Ulli Lommel


Nietzsche said “When you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks into you.” Know what else you see when you look into the abyss? Ulli Lommel movies.

The other day I found myself in the position of getting to view a new Ulli Lommel movie that won’t even be getting released to DVD until sometime next year. Why on earth would I want to subject myself to yet another Ulli Lommel movie after my past experiences with his filmography? Probably for the same reason that idiot kid saw the Jackass crew set themselves on fire and decided that would be a great stunt to recreate in his backyard. Or perhaps it was because I just found myself mesmerized by the thought of watching a movie titled Killer Nurse.

Yep, Killer Nurse, the not-so-true recounting of the true events of killer nurse Charles Cullen who from 1988 thru 2003 murdered countless hospital patients with lethal injections out of some deranged belief that he was functioning as an angel of mercy. All one need do is Google the name Charles Cullen and you’ll quickly come to find out that the only thing Lommel’s movie has in common with the facts of the case is that there was a killer nurse named Charles Cullen who killed his victims with a lethal injection. The rest is typical Ulli Lommel bullshit.

Being that it’s typical Ulli Lommel bullshit means it’s like watching some film school dropout’s attempt to make an existential European art house flick: minimalist plot, endless droning exposition in both dialogue and voiceover, hallucinatory imagery shot with different filters and lighting, random editing, constant attempts to be symbolic and surreal, massive amounts of repetition, operatic arias polluting the soundtrack, and a constant sense that much of the no-budget production was improvised on the spot. All pointless! All typical Ulli Lommel bullshit!

Killer Nurse opens with Charles Cullen in prison talking about himself in voiceover. It ends with Charles Cullen in prison talking about himself in voiceover. In between, Charles Cullen talks about himself, not always in voiceover.

Cullen talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks…

To the credit of the actor playing Cullen I think he had to memorize several hundred pages of dialogue. That actor looks a bit like an older version of McLovin from Superbad. Instead of McLovin, his name could have been McNevershutsthefuckup.

Charles Cullen sees himself as a compassionate seraphim doing God’s work by releasing people from their mortal suffering. According to Lommel, he also both hated his dead mother and was sexually obsessed with her. According to Lommel, most of his mommy issues stemmed from the day she screwed the plumber and he had to listen to the sounds of their loveless fornication. I wonder what the real Charles Cullen would have to say about this.

All of Cullen’s victims just happen to be attractive young women with medical ailments that renders them wheelchair bound and in near catatonic states. He wheels them into the hospital chapel or the head nurse’s office where he tries talking them to death. I think his real master plan was to tell these young women about his personal issues and beliefs for so long that by the time he got around to giving them the lethal injection they were ready to embrace the sweet silence of death.

Then he’ll wheel them to a secluded room where he’ll administer the fatal shot. Here’s where Lommel gets truly tasteless. Cullen removes their tops and dances with their limp bodies. Then he’ll put their tops back on and wheel them to another empty room with a slab so that he can lay them on it, strip them down to their underwear again, and tease possible acts of necrophilia while having dream-like fantasies about his mom, often topless, often attired in sexy nurse lingerie. Facts, shmacts … Typical Ulli Lommel bullshit!

Cullen really goes over the edge when a policewoman investigating the hospital deaths turns out to be the spitting image of his dead mother; the same rather young actress who’d been appearing half-naked in his delusions for the past hour.

Don’t even get me started on his surreal delusions of walking up a flight of stairs with a knife while wearing a scary hobo mask. I have to wonder if any of this even makes sense in Lommel’s mind.

Now repeat this same victimization formula, same order of events, same types of delusional asides, over and over again about a half-dozen times with very little variation. Typical Ulli Lommel bullshit!

This would be the part where I’d normally type FUCK THIS MOVIE! Instead I’m just going to type FUCK ULLI LOMMEL! While I’m at it, FUCK MYSELF! Hey, no one put a gun to my head and made me watch Killer Nurse so I have to accept some of the blame, too.

Since I began this review with a famous phrase I think I’ll end it with one. If you want some idea just how mindnumbing it is listening to this Charles Cullen guy constantly running his mouth, well, a picture is worth a thousand words.

Killer Nurse review

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0 out of 5

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Foywonder

  • razorkeen

    In response to The Foywonder’s review of the film KILLER NURSE, I have to say, that was the funniest fucking review I have ever read in my life. I hit the floor with all of the “and talks”, and nearly shit the bed when I read “McNevershutsthefuckup”. Good job, Foywonder! McNevershutsthefuckup…classic!

  • Kane86

    I am going to eat broken glass

  • michael_somain

    I’m going to check that flick out, it looks pretty good.

    • Gus Bjork

      Why?

  • El Regio Dude

    “From the Director of Boogeyman”… i guessed that line will be used forever in his films, considering the crap this man is making.

    Are we gonna have “The Worst to DTDVD 2008″ podcast?

    I really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really hope so.

    “Chuletas de vampiro, Chabelo!”