Reviewed by Kryten Syxx
Starring Sirpa Lane, Marina Hedman, Venantino Venantini, Vassili Karis
Directed by Alfonso Brescia
Distributed by Severin Films
Poor Sipra Lane. She was the symbol of all things sex during the ‘70s in Europe. Sadly, her death from AIDS in the late 1990s puts a bad taste in one’s mouth when having to review a flick where she engages in rampant sex with anyone and anything, even Vassili Karis and his super moustache! Let’s not dwell on the downer side of life, but take a look back at one of the notorious films to come out of the Grind House era, The Beast in Space.
Nothing compares to Italian grind house cinema. The colors, the camp and sexuality are all totally unmatched by all other movie producing companies. Sometimes, however, there is just a point where all those unique qualities of cinema-Italiano crest at such a mind-boggling high “WTF” level where even the most jaded of us wonder “Did we just see that?“
That question gets asked quite a bit when talking about The Beast in Space. Essentially, this is just a cash in on Sipra’s other flick The Beast, but with the cheese factor turned way up and the bestiality even more strange … if that’s even possible. The film is a cross between a really bad “Doctor Who” episode, a quirky porno and every lame sci-fi action film to come out of the 1950s and ‘60s.
Trying to follow the plot of The Beast in Space is a chore in itself, but we’ll break it down. A bloke with a mustache bangs Sipra Lane, a woman who has odd visions of a beast man. Mustachio Supremo and our sexy heroine set off with a group of other people, who enjoy wearing tight pleather, to some distant planet. While scouting out past the landing site, our team of fetish suit enthusiasts encounter…
The women are turned on and the men just sort of stare into the middle distance. After the audience is totally creeped out by this, the sickos in tights meet a robed man who takes them to his palace for food, wine and random acts of sex both inside and outside his home.
While a majority of the crew are busy playing slap-and-tickle with their dangly bits, our mysterious robed entertainer chases after Sipra. Cornering her in the woods (?!), he reveals that under his manly gown lies the lower portion of a great beast with great big testicles! OK, you only get a quick glance at his junk, but if you buy the XXX version there’s probably more to be seen. Since this is the Unrated cut, we’re treated to generic bumping and grinding – mainly while looking at the ass end of a very bad Furry suit.
There’s some silliness with a giant computer and various other sci-fi schlock that was thrown in to cover for the breaks between sexes. Chunks of the film that don’t involve exchanges of bodily fluids are pretty forgettable, but just watching those parts of the film make us glad that George Lucas turned the genre around. Then again, he did have brother/sister kissing scenes. At least there was no sex with Ewoks.
Three different release for The Beast in Space found there way onto the market this year, and it looks like we got the one with fewest features. A two disc special edition is out there along with the XXX cut, but with the Unrated DVD only one special feature is present. That is a tough pill to swallow; no one out there was available to talk about how this film changed their lives? No one could tell us more about Sipra Lane? What about that dude that tried to sell me and my best friend pictures of “…horses doin’ it“ outside the Hollywood Video? Wasn’t he around to shed some light on how fornication between these animals could get chicks off?
Once Upon a Time in Space is just an interview with Venantino Venantini and it’s not much of an interview at that. Most of the run time here is eaten up by audioless video of Venantini walking around and talking at an art gallery. Boy, it sure would have been nice to know what he was saying. No worries, he does eventually sit down for a proper talk and reveals how the movie came together and his experience, most of which is audible.
The Beast in Space is a weird one. If you’re comfortable watching horse sex with friends, then this may be just the thing to get drunk and watch just for the amount of unsolicited laughter it brings. Better yet, purchase the XXX version and sit alone with yourself and a box of tissues. Pervert!
3 1/2 out of 5
2 out of 5