Untraceable (DVD)

Untraceable DVD review (click for larger image)Reviewed by Uncle Creepy

Starring Diane Lane, Billy Burke, Colin Hanks, Joseph Cross

Directed by Gregory Hoblit

Distributed by Sony Pictures Home Entertainment

My name is Owen Reilly. I am the villain or hero of Untraceable. The reviewer you were expecting, a chubby bald man by the name of Uncle Creepy, has been incapacitated. As I type this, he’s hanging upside down from a bar over millions of broken razor sharp DVD copies of Strawberry Estates. The reason for his capture and newfound dilemma is simple — He was going to give my movie a negative review. ROFL. Can you imagine? You would think that someone who makes a living typing on a computer would have more sense. We’ll get to him in a little while. On to the plotline of my masterpiece.

Agent Jennifer Marsh spends her time working for the FBI’s Cyber Crimes division. Once my website KillWithMe.com went live, she immediately started meddling in my affairs. You see, I had plans. I just wanted to capture some folks and film them with my webcam. The more of you who tuned in to watch, the quicker the victim died. Sure I stole my idea from an episode of the TV show Millennium called ““The Mikado”, but art has been known to imitate life and … Wait … hang on … BRB

*Stops Creepy from thrashing about by threatening to break his vintage Six Million Dollar Man doll*

Untraceable DVD review (click for larger image)OK, back. Here’s the deal. My DVD is on store shelves. You will go buy it, or your reviewer will be lowered onto the deadly tower of broken Bonk until he is cut to shreds and eventually bleeds out. The faster my DVD sells, the faster Creepy dies. I will be keeping an eye on sales charts.

What? You need more incentive? WTF?!? How about supplemental materials? There’s almost an hour’s worth here, and some have said what’s included is even more interesting than the film itself. Those people have since been dealt with. QFT — There are behind-the-scenes featurettes on the production design, the cast, and of course your traditional making-of stuff. Plus there’s a commentary if you want to listen to the filmmakers sing my praises.

Break out your credit cards. Hit your Best Buys. I’m doing this not just for me but for everyone Creepy has ever lambasted in a review. Ron Bonk? Rejoice! James Dudelson? It’s party time! As an added bonus, the mastermind behind the far superior Night of the Living Dead: The 30th Anniversary Edition, John Russo, will be filming this and then shooting more footage to be spliced in at a later date. The clock is ticking.


Special Features

  • Audio commentary by director Gregory Hoblit, producer Hawk Koch, and production designer Paul Eads
  • Tracking Untraceable: Behind-the-scenes featurette
  • Untraceable: The Personnel Files featurette
  • The Blue Print of Murder: Production Design featurette
  • The Anatomy of Murder: Make-up Special Effects featurette
  • Trailers


    1 1/2 out of 5

    Special Features:

    3 out of 5

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    Steve Barton

    You're such an inspiration for the ways that I will never, ever choose to be.

    • Uncle Creepy

      I am the center of my own machismo

    • The Buz

      Saw Creepy the other night. He was in one piece. Though now he has a battle scar running down the length of the left side of his face. It’s bad ass looking though.

    • Uncle Creepy

      For the record … I have Austin, Goldman, Maskatron (with JOHN SAXON face), and Sasquatch.

    • Chainsaw

      Also, you cannot call yourself a pimp unless you have the Oscar Goldman doll. That’s where the real power lies.

    • Chainsaw

      I am surprised and dismayed that Knetter did not come to your rescue and beat Owen by drowning him in menstrual blood.

    • Uncle Creepy

      No worries guys … due in part to my extreme testicular fortitude, and my Kung-Fu grip, I’ve sent Owen packing. Can someone help sweep up all these broken DVDs? Oh and you may wanna call a doctor too. Somehow Mr. 30th Anniversary Edition got analed with his camera during the fracas.

    • thedudeabides
    • Spaceshark

      Now that’s just dirty.

    • Cash Bailey

      Maybe I should have said ‘His Royal Saltiness’.

    • Spaceshark

      Sorry, a penis joke came to mind.

    • Spaceshark


    • Cash Bailey

      Could it be true?

      Could ‘The Salty One’ really be gone from us…?

    • Uncle Creepy

      Not …

      dead …

      yet …

    • ImTheMoon


    • Uncle Creepy

      *swings lifelessly*

    • Spaceshark

      I don’t think Creepy made it.

    • Uncle Creepy

      *tries knocking*

      *wants to do it twice*

      *can’t see the wall due to Russo’s lighting rig which incidentally is far superior to the one that they didn’t bother using in AVPr*

    • Terminal

      Creepy, I’ve called authorities. Knock once if you’re okay, knock twice if this movie sucks.

    • Sirand

      Don’t worry, Creepy. I’m coming to save you!

      *jumps in car equipped with On Star*

      Aw, shit!

    • Uncle Creepy

      *continues blinking with great vigor*

    • ImTheMoon

      wait does anyone here know morse code?

    • frank_dracman

      Threating a helpless Steve Austin doll? That son of a bitch! Don’t worry dude, we’ll find you and go in all gangbusters style FTW!

    • Uncle Creepy

      *blinks furiously*

    • Sirand

      Quick, Creepy! Blink morse code so we know where you are!