Reviewed by Uncle Creepy
Starring Diane Lane, Billy Burke, Colin Hanks, Joseph Cross
Directed by Gregory Hoblit
Distributed by Sony Pictures Home Entertainment
My name is Owen Reilly. I am the villain or hero of Untraceable. The reviewer you were expecting, a chubby bald man by the name of Uncle Creepy, has been incapacitated. As I type this, he’s hanging upside down from a bar over millions of broken razor sharp DVD copies of Strawberry Estates. The reason for his capture and newfound dilemma is simple — He was going to give my movie a negative review. ROFL. Can you imagine? You would think that someone who makes a living typing on a computer would have more sense. We’ll get to him in a little while. On to the plotline of my masterpiece.
Agent Jennifer Marsh spends her time working for the FBI’s Cyber Crimes division. Once my website KillWithMe.com went live, she immediately started meddling in my affairs. You see, I had plans. I just wanted to capture some folks and film them with my webcam. The more of you who tuned in to watch, the quicker the victim died. Sure I stole my idea from an episode of the TV show Millennium called ““The Mikado”, but art has been known to imitate life and … Wait … hang on … BRB
*Stops Creepy from thrashing about by threatening to break his vintage Six Million Dollar Man doll*
OK, back. Here’s the deal. My DVD is on store shelves. You will go buy it, or your reviewer will be lowered onto the deadly tower of broken Bonk until he is cut to shreds and eventually bleeds out. The faster my DVD sells, the faster Creepy dies. I will be keeping an eye on sales charts.
What? You need more incentive? WTF?!? How about supplemental materials? There’s almost an hour’s worth here, and some have said what’s included is even more interesting than the film itself. Those people have since been dealt with. QFT — There are behind-the-scenes featurettes on the production design, the cast, and of course your traditional making-of stuff. Plus there’s a commentary if you want to listen to the filmmakers sing my praises.
Break out your credit cards. Hit your Best Buys. I’m doing this not just for me but for everyone Creepy has ever lambasted in a review. Ron Bonk? Rejoice! James Dudelson? It’s party time! As an added bonus, the mastermind behind the far superior Night of the Living Dead: The 30th Anniversary Edition, John Russo, will be filming this and then shooting more footage to be spliced in at a later date. The clock is ticking.
1 1/2 out of 5
3 out of 5
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