Sledge (2014)

Sledge (2014)Starring: Kristian Hanson, Dustin Bowman, Tino Faygo

Directed by Kristian Hanson and John B. Sovie III

Distributed by Maxim Media International

There is bad cinema, and there is atrocious cinema… and then we have movies which fall under the category of “What did I just step in?,” and after watching Kristian Hanson’s horror/comedy Sledge, I’ve been wiping the bottom of my boot off ever since.

Taken from an idea cooked up by Hanson (he used to review videos online using a puppet affectionately known as “Assley”) – he uses the puppet as an introduction to a horror movie-showcasing TV program called “Assley’s True American Horror Show.” We first see a teen girl sitting in her living room getting ready to settle in with a bowl of popcorn and view the film through her eyes as she stares into the flat screen, unbelieving of what she’s watching (what a coincidence) and blowing off people to watch this particular movie.

The movie in question is Sledge: a story about deranged killer Adam Lynch and his murderous actions with an industrial-sized sledgehammer. You see, Adam isn’t too bright and believes that he’s stuck in a video game, unaware of the fact that he is NOT the hero that he believes he is, but a monster clad in a cheesy mask, spitting out horrible jokes at his victims that even the lamest lounge comedian would take a dump on.

Adam protects his territory in the woods from all infiltrators, and the unlucky five in this case are Dustin Bowman, Russell Matoes, Travis Hanson, Desiree Holmes, and quite possibly one of the MOST annoying characters I’ve seen in any genre of film in a long time, Stephanie Tupper as Sarah (I SWEAR if this girl wasn’t pissing or moaning about something in the film in her best “Jersey Shore” attitude, then she would have never spoken a single line). The group has come to the woods to party, have sex, and be bludgeoned mercilessly by Lynch’s tool of punishment. Aside from an odd take on a love-triangle, there wasn’t much more to their dialogue other than some snarky insults and a lot of complaining.

Hanson’s depiction of Lynch would have been much more effective if he kept his pie hole shut while swinging his brain-splitter, and I know that’s how he intended the character to be (infused with inane humor), so I’m sure that there is an audience for this type of killer, just not here. Normally I’ll kick a rating up a notch or two based on how good the gore looks, but unfortunately I can’t even go that route with this one – the effects (while already a low budget film) look bargain-basement bought and their presentation looks as hokey as anything you’ve seen before. I’ll stand up and applaud Mr. Hanson for wanting to make a “horror movie for horror fans, made by a horror fan,” but in my consummately useless opinion, I’ve got to lie down while this one is playing, as it’s just too painful to sit through.

1/2 out of 5

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