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Witchcraft 13: Blood of the Chosen (DVD)

Witchcraft 13: Blood of the Chose DVD (click for larger image)Reviewed by Melissa Bostaph

Starring Tim Wrobel, Zoe Hunter, Jennifer Lafleur, Anjanette Clewis and Roxy Vandiver

Directed by Mel House


Often while writing my reviews I will stick the DVD in question into my disc drive. Sometimes this is for a simple reminder and other times it is more like a trial. In this case as soon as the film began to play again it felt more like I was the one being put through the dunking torture, and I quickly remembered that if I couldn’t finish the review before the film came to an end I would be wishing I had been tied to a stake, set ablaze, and left to anguish as my flesh crisped and spilt and peeled away from my bones. Ah, if that could only be my sweet escape. Alas, here I sit while this ridiculous movie taints my very soul with its mere existence.

My first clue that I should find a new line of work was the 13 in the title. Witchcraft 13THIRTEEN! WTF? Had there ever been a decent Witchcraft film? Does the series deserve a 13th? I honestly couldn’t say. All I know is that if the previous twelve were anything like the 13th installation in the franchise, someone should seriously brew up some true witchery in order to go back to 1988 and stop the first Witchcraft film from ever being made.

The 2nd clue was when the name Zoe Hunter flashed across the screen in the opening credits. No offense to Ms. Hunter but I have had the displeasure of either reviewing or judging several of her films in the past and I have yet to see one that has many if any redeeming qualities. I’m not saying by any means that Zoe’s appearance in a film automatically makes it shit, but I have to confess that I often reach for the toilet tissue when I know she’ll be on the screen. It may just be her choice in titles to attach herself to, but my guess is that it’s more likely the fact that her campy, over the top performances are usually worth nothing more than the stinky, brown streak they leave for the viewer to deal with at the end of her films.

The scariest thing about Witchcraft 13 is that Zoe’s portrayal of the only witch in the film that doesn’t take off her clothes or totally whore herself for the dark forces is the best performance in the whole thing. I’m not exactly sure if that means she is getting better or if everyone else just really sucked that badly! One way or the other I’ve seen better acting when my kids are trying to get out of going to school.

Not sure if one could actually blame the director for a mess like W-13. I don’t even think Spielberg or Scorsese could have made this celluloid turd into a palatable film. Of course even in their earliest days behind a camera, they would have had the good sense to walk away from such a worthless and demeaning project. There should be no contest when it comes to a choice between having your name in the credits of a film or your dignity. Always go with dignity!

I guess I’m supposed to tell you a bit about the film itself, but seriously I’ve watched it twice now and I’m not even sure myself. From what I can tell the lead guy is a warlock and even though he tries to use his powers for good, he is in a constant battle with himself to not be evil… I think. Then there’s this coven of witches who use their womanly wiles, disappearing clothes, and bouncing tits to steal the hearts of every man they come in contact with…LITERALLY! The lead warlock guy seems to be the key to the witches’ evil plan, and he either has to fuck them all or defeat them in order to save himself and all mankind not too certain. But don’t quote me on any of that. I suppose if you really want to know the story you could ask the writer…If they had one.

As far as my true feelings on Witchcraft 13 go… Let’s just say that if I had to choose between watching the film again or actually setting myself on fire?

Hand me the matches please!

“>
1 out of 5*

*As requested by the review author and film’s director.

Discuss Witchcraft 13: Blood of the Chose in the Dread Central forums!

Melissa Bostaph

19 Comments

  1. Thank you all for proving my points over & over again.
    I will be sure to spread the word here in LA that the future of cinema is safe.

  2. Yeah! I loved it especially when she was flying through the air at the end and was sucked up into the jet engine! Oh wait…that was The Simpsons. And by the way, Bloody: it’s called tact. People make bad movies. This cat is lighthearted enough to admit that he hated it as well. If you’ve ever seen any of the other Witchcraft movies, then you’ll know that this movie fits right along with them.

  3. Wow Mel, sorry for getting you in trouble, and here I thought we were just having fun. Oh well, I must just not get it. ;-)

    Speaking if “getting it”, if someone can find that a film like “Witchcraft 13″ is something to “GET”…they have more to worry about than a director posting comments that poke fun at his own movie, (at his own expense) or the reviewer’s “mental capability”.

    Personally I would rather use humor to review a bad movie than shit all over it and the people who were involved with technical “this is why you suck” bullshit. I learned from a certain English nanny when I was a kid…”A spoonful of sugar…” ….well, you know the rest.

  4. Bloody — these comment boxes are not to be used to slander other users. It is possible to get a point across without being insulting. Should you do that again, your account may be suspended which could also lead to deletion depending on the situation. Please do not engage in such activity again. Thanks.

  5. Well by your response “upstartfilm,” you just solidified my opinion of you being starved for attention. I will be on the look out for that Fangoria to hear about your next masterpiece of shit. If it is anything like your directing, I’m sure it will be journalistic genius.
    Now that I have wasted 2 minutes of my life responding to you, I guess you win. Best of luck to you!

  6. Thanks, Blockbuster. Closet Space comes out in Germany this week, and hopefully we’ll have info on the release in the non-Germanic parts of the world pretty soon. Things are happening with it, slowly but surely.

    Johnny Butane gave us a pretty good review here on Dread Central a while back if you want to search for it and see what he thought of Closet Space.

    And keep an eye out for the new movie I’m working on this summer. It’s a motherf#%ker. I’m sure Dread Central will get some sort of exclusive from me on that – :).

    – Mel

  7. Oh! I googled your name and found out you did Closet Space! I’ve heard LOTS of great stuff about that…and I’m looking forward to finding it somehow and seeing it.

  8. Mel…I think that it takes some real balls to come to a site that ripped your movie that bad, face up to it and even laugh about it…we all have low points…however, I’m looking forward to finding some of the other movies that you’ve done…Essentially, all I’m really trying to say is Bravo! And welcome to the fold…heh.

  9. Yeah, I’m trolling for attention on a message thread for a movie that I’m pretty much embarrassed and haunted by. You got me dead to rights. Well played, “Bloody”.

    “HEY EVERYONE!! LOOK OVER HERE!!! I DID A MOVIE THAT KINDA SUCKS!! IT KILLED A PART OF MY SOUL!!! CHECK ME OUT!!”

    (waves arms)

    If I wanted attention I’d direct you to Fangoria issue #273, on sale this month, wherein I (and several other Southern Indie Horror directors) talk about movies that we are actually proud of.

    I’m here because I like all the people at DC, and I think it’s funny that they ripped on a movie I directed. Sue me.

    Wait, that kinda already happened.

    – Mel House

  10. Now I have seen this movie and it really sucks. Especially the new lead guy!
    But my real concern is with the reviewer’s mental capability. They say they saw this movie twice and still did not understand it. It isn’t that difficult of a movie to get. Also with the asterisk by the knife and some of the posting comments, I question the validity of the review. If that truly is the director commenting, it is a real pathetic attempt for some attention!

  11. Ya know…I think I may have given this film too many knives…I’m afraid I may actually be asked to set fire to myself! LOL!

  12. HAHAHA!

    I look forward to hanging out with you and Melanie again soon!

    As for a “one-knifer”?

    Please see my reviews for:

    Electric Zombies and Chasing Darkness…

    Witchcraft 13 got off easy! Unless you’d like me to take away a knife for you…LOL!

  13. I’ll have to check out Colonel Kill. Heard lots about it, and knowing the budget limitations of course makes me want to see it even more. Ditto on Summer School.

    And Melissa, don’t worry – Melanie hates the movie, too. It is a big, black, blight on our lives, for more reasons than the fact that it turned out kinda shitty. Next time we see you guys in person, I’ll give you all the details.

    My final question to you is: if this movie makes you want to set yourself on fire and you gave it two knives, what does a one knifer do to you?

  14. Well, as far as fans out there goes…like Mel says…they’re out there! I like to peek at the IMDB listings for movies sometimes, and the write up for W-13 is actually postitive and if I remember correctly the guy says it’s the best in the franchise! So there ya go!

    On the subject of budget…I did have a group of buddies make a film called Summer School for just over double the $3000 mentioned above and it is fucking amazing! It has its flaws, but seriously it is still one of the best LOW-budget indie films I have ever seen!

    Now Mel… I was horrified to open your email this morning…LOL! All I could see was your adorable wife and I chatting over coffee at Fear Fest…and then I thought, “Great! That’ll never happen again!”…hahaha!

    I’m glad you enjoyed the review, and like I said in it…Zoe’s performance outshined everyone else’s…It was actually the best performance I’ve ever seen her do. I’ll chalk that up to great direction! *wink*

  15. But what can you do with a $3000 budget?

    Well, Colonel Kill was made for less than $500 and it kicked all kinds of ass.

  16. They are out there, I assure you.

    In my defense on actually taking the gig – At the time (2005) I had very few directing credits. I saw it as a chance to have a movie get out there and get distributed, and I’m sure a lot of “nobody” indie directors would have done the same thing. Of course I foolishly thought I could elevate the franchise. HA! Not on a $3000 budget.

    At any rate, I enjoyed the review Melissa – I’m glad someone hates the movie more than I do at this point, and I’m the guilty party in the director’s chair. But what can you do with a $3000 budget? The only thing I have to disagree with is your appraisal of Zoe…I think she’s one of the only good parts of the whole thing.

    And I still can’t believe you watched it twice. I only wished you had watched it before we met at Fear Fest, so we could have bagged on it together.

  17. Ahhhhhhh…Witchcraft…the 2nd one was always my favorite…mainly because when your 13 years old, your mom won’t let you rent Showgirls or anything else of the sort, but you can get your fix from a softcore porn under the guise of a horror movie…I don’t think my mom ever did figure out why I rented that thing all the time…I still remember the title: Witchcraft 2: The Temptress…the good ol days…

  18. Please, someone point me out a “Witchcraft” fan. They have to exist if they’re making 13 of these damn things.

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