Reviewed by Melissa Bostaph
Starring Tim Wrobel, Zoe Hunter, Jennifer Lafleur, Anjanette Clewis and Roxy Vandiver
Directed by Mel House
Often while writing my reviews I will stick the DVD in question into my disc drive. Sometimes this is for a simple reminder and other times it is more like a trial. In this case as soon as the film began to play again it felt more like I was the one being put through the dunking torture, and I quickly remembered that if I couldn’t finish the review before the film came to an end I would be wishing I had been tied to a stake, set ablaze, and left to anguish as my flesh crisped and spilt and peeled away from my bones. Ah, if that could only be my sweet escape. Alas, here I sit while this ridiculous movie taints my very soul with its mere existence.
My first clue that I should find a new line of work was the 13 in the title. Witchcraft 13…THIRTEEN! WTF? Had there ever been a decent Witchcraft film? Does the series deserve a 13th? I honestly couldn’t say. All I know is that if the previous twelve were anything like the 13th installation in the franchise, someone should seriously brew up some true witchery in order to go back to 1988 and stop the first Witchcraft film from ever being made.
The 2nd clue was when the name Zoe Hunter flashed across the screen in the opening credits. No offense to Ms. Hunter but I have had the displeasure of either reviewing or judging several of her films in the past and I have yet to see one that has many if any redeeming qualities. I’m not saying by any means that Zoe’s appearance in a film automatically makes it shit, but I have to confess that I often reach for the toilet tissue when I know she’ll be on the screen. It may just be her choice in titles to attach herself to, but my guess is that it’s more likely the fact that her campy, over the top performances are usually worth nothing more than the stinky, brown streak they leave for the viewer to deal with at the end of her films.
The scariest thing about Witchcraft 13 is that Zoe’s portrayal of the only witch in the film that doesn’t take off her clothes or totally whore herself for the dark forces is the best performance in the whole thing. I’m not exactly sure if that means she is getting better or if everyone else just really sucked that badly! One way or the other I’ve seen better acting when my kids are trying to get out of going to school.
Not sure if one could actually blame the director for a mess like W-13. I don’t even think Spielberg or Scorsese could have made this celluloid turd into a palatable film. Of course even in their earliest days behind a camera, they would have had the good sense to walk away from such a worthless and demeaning project. There should be no contest when it comes to a choice between having your name in the credits of a film or your dignity. Always go with dignity!
I guess I’m supposed to tell you a bit about the film itself, but seriously I’ve watched it twice now and I’m not even sure myself. From what I can tell the lead guy is a warlock and even though he tries to use his powers for good, he is in a constant battle with himself to not be evil… I think. Then there’s this coven of witches who use their womanly wiles, disappearing clothes, and bouncing tits to steal the hearts of every man they come in contact with…LITERALLY! The lead warlock guy seems to be the key to the witches’ evil plan, and he either has to fuck them all or defeat them in order to save himself and all mankind not too certain. But don’t quote me on any of that. I suppose if you really want to know the story you could ask the writer…If they had one.
As far as my true feelings on Witchcraft 13 go… Let’s just say that if I had to choose between watching the film again or actually setting myself on fire?
Hand me the matches please!
1 out of 5*
*As requested by the review author and film’s director.