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Killer Snakes, The (DVD)

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Killer Snakes DVD Review (click for larger image)Reviewed by Kryten Syxx

Starring Kwok-Leung Gan, Chi Chao and Chun Chen

Directed by Chih-Hung Kwei

Distributed by Image Entertainment


Where would bad horror movies be today if it weren’t for snakes? No, not the studio executives … I mean the slithering creatures that managed to bring down an airplane, almost eat J Lo and always seem to be fighting various types of themselves on the Sci-Fi Channel. There’s just something about the little reptiles that always appears threatening, much like spiders. Speaking of which, when can we get more giant spider movies?

Anyway, today we’ve got a ‘70s flick from the Shaw Brothers called The Killer Snakes. A quick glance at the cover art and screen caps do make it look like a cool flick about sex and snakes, but that assumption didn’t hold up once the the movie started playing. Yes, there are snakes that kill and there’s a good amount of nudity; the whole thing just doesn’t gel very well and makes some choices that won’t sit well with animal lovers.

Chen Chih is a tiny guy. Years of mental abuse have left him an empty shell that can only find solace and friendship in snakes. Oddly enough the creatures take to Chen and he realizes that he shares a psychic bond with them. Now, if you were a little pissed of dude who wasn’t getting laid while and getting pushed around by assholes, what would you do with an army of snakes at your command?

 DVD (click for larger image)That idea sounds awesome on paper, it really does. The execution of said idea, however, never comes full circle. The nudity feels awkward (even for me) and it’s never really clear as to why we should even care about the film’s main characters so much. Sure, Chen has been bullied, lives in the gutter and does thankless jobs to get by but he sure as hell doesn’t try to better his situation. He strives for nothing more than to win the heart of some girl who caught him diddling his trouser snake during a wet dream five minutes into the film.

On the other hand, the bad guys of the The Killer Snakes are much more fun. When everything else in the picture is devoid of substance, one can always find entertainment while watching dudes with mustaches and bad suits acting like the slimiest bastards on the planet. A film is in a sad state of affairs when each person the audience should hate actually turns out to be the you’ll root for and shed a small tear when they get lazily bitten by a snake. Oh, and those kinds of characters always get the cheesiest English dubs too.

The Killer Snakes really takes a dive off the deep end when it introduced us to a healthy amount of violence towards real living snakes. While a number of scenes employ fake snakes for the obvious purposes such as attacking humans, the same kindness wasn’t afforded to the snakes when humans were attacking them! During the film’s later scenes we get the see quite a few of the serpents get cut right in half, following shots show the injured bodies still wiggling around. While it’d be nice to believe these bits were all done via special effects, these little guys were way too life-like.

 DVD (click for larger image) If getting chopped up wasn’t bad enough for some of these poor guys, a couple boxes of them get lit on fire for a grand finale! Sweet damn! I’ve seen some nasty things, but watching creatures being burned to death just for a movie is something really disgusting. The terror doesn’t come from a man using telepathy to control serpents, it comes from the filmmakers making the really sick idea to burn the poor beasts alive.

After the DVD player is turned off, there’s little to remember about The Killer Snakes aside from that image of watching the reptiles being really burnt alive. That isn’t exactly a good thing. Honestly, all would have been lost if I hadn’t clicked on the Special Features icon on this DVD. Hidden within this section are near 30 trailers for films that must be better than The Killer Snakes. Each and every single one of the films that can be previewed held more entertainment value packed into a measly two minutes than Snakes’s ninety nine minute run time. Amazing!

There’s no doubt that Image Entertainment is doing a great service by bringing us as many of these pics as possible, but not each on can be a winner. With that being said, we can’t wait to see what other DVDs they have in the works.

Special Features

  • Stills Gallery
  • Theatrical Trailer
  • 29 Trailers!

    MOVIE

    2 out of 5

    Extras

    5 out of 5

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    Inside (Remake) Review – Is It as Brutal as the Original?

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    Starring Rachel Nichols Laura Harring

    Directed by Miguel Ángel Vivas


    While the directing duo of the cringe-inducing and original 2007 French grand guignol thriller Inside have gone on to refurbishments of their own—Julien Maury and Alexandre Bustillo recently helmed a retread of Leatherface’s origin story—their flick now has an American stamp on it with the release of the remake, also titled Inside.

    A cheerless Christmas eve sets the stage for heavily-pregnant widow Sarah’s (Rachel Nichols) oncoming ordeal. It’s a frigid and snowy night. She’s got a huge house to herself, following the accidental and violent death of her husband. She wants to sell the home that was meant to hold a family, to forget the nascent memories it once held. But she’s got to ride it out until the baby is born. While Sarah is lonesome, she won’t be alone. She’s got her genial gay neighbor nearby, and her mum is going to come and stay with her for a few days. Oh, and there will be an unexpected visitor too.

    When a shadowy, seemingly stranded stranger (Laura Harring) knocks on the door pleading to be let inside, Sarah instinctively balks. She even calls the cops. But the woman leaves and all seems well. Crisis averted. Sarah puts the housekeys in the mailbox outside for Mom, and goes to bed. Big mistake.

    Mystery Lady shows up at Sarah’s bedside armed with chloroform, an IV bag, and a case full of sharp-and-pointies (sorry, ’07 fans… those implements do not include a pair of scissors). The horror unfolds and the expected yet lively game of gory cat-and-mouse ensues. Then the tete-a-tete becomes a body-count chiller featuring one shocking moment after another.

    Nichols is fantastic in the role, giving it her all. When the original Inside came out eleven years ago, she was starring in another French-helmed horror, P2—also set on Christmas eve—and she stole the show. She does the same here but with a less-intense adversary. Harring’s killer character, unlike her European counterpart, has a lot to say—which takes away from her initially mysterious manner as the minutes tick off. Still, the girl-on-girl action is a welcome change from the usual gender dynamic one sees in these things. Both deserve kudos for their performances.

    While Inside isn’t a died-in-the-wool “Hollywood” remake (Miguel Ángel Vivas directs, while [REC] co-creator Jaume Balagueró wrote it) it feels like one. For those who’ve seen the original, there will be mild disappointment (which turns to major letdown at the very end). However, Inside is still a serviceable thriller that’s well-acted, beautifully shot, and effectively scored. Folks coming in fresh, and casual horror fans, will more than likely enjoy it.

    • Inside (Remake)
    3.0

    Summary

    Inside is a serviceable thriller that’s well-acted, beautifully shot, and effectively scored. Folks coming in fresh, and casual horror fans, will more than likely enjoy it. For those who’ve seen the original, there will be mild disappointment (which turns to major letdown at the very end).

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    User Rating 1.67 (3 votes)
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    What If Tina Fey Wrote Jennifer’s Body? My Friend’s Exorcism Book Review

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    “Rummaging in one of his duffel bags, [the exorcist] pulled out and athletic cup and slid it down the front of his pants. ‘First place they go for,’ he explained. He then adjusted himself and picked up a well-worn Bible. ‘Let’s do the Lord’s work.'”

    It was about a year ago now (it seems) that I first saw the cover of “My Best Friend’s Exorcism.” If you haven’t seen it for yourself in all of its glory, make sure to click the image over to the right for a more in-depth look. Awesome, right? Got to love all the VHS details such as the “Horror” and “Be Kind Rewind” stickers. Classic. Utter classic.

    Now I’m fully aware that one should not judge a book by its cover. Literally. But still the moment I saw this work of delicious art crop up in the inbox I had to read the book asap. Well, it turns out asap was about a year later, but all the same, I’ve now had a peek at the inside of the book as well as the outside. Does the content inside match the content outside?

    Let’s find out…

    For those who might not know, “My Best Friend’s Exorcism” (henceforth referred to as MBFE) tells the tale of two best friends named Abby and Grethen. One night the two, and a few of there other friends, drop a bit of acid for the first time. While the drug never kicks in (no worries, there’s no lame twist-ending to be had here) poor Gretchen still wanders off into the woods and gets possessed like a motherf*cker in some creepy abandoned building. From there, things go from bad to worse until an unlikely exorcist is called in and things go off the wicked walls in all the best ways possible.

    Now, to review. First of all, let it be know that MBFE is more of a teen romance (between two friends) than a straight tale of terror. Think of it as “What if Tina Fey wrote Jennifer’s Body?” and that will give you a good hint at what the book holds in store for you. Not that that’s a bad thing. Still, you should be aware that the first 2/3 of the book is almost exclusively teenagers not getting along, bitch about losing touch, who is sleeping with who, and yada, yada, yada for pages on end. Dramarama for days. Mostly.

    That said, not only is the teen drama bearable (and truthfully quite sweet in spots), Hendrix keeps the horror in the spotlight just enough that I never lost faith the book was heading somewhere truly balls to the wall. And it does. Oh, boy does it. From the time the unholy shite hits the fan in the last third, to the time the last word is read, the book is filled with horror moments that will make even the most jaded fright-fiction fan gag, grimace, or stand up and cheer!

    You just have to get through all the angst first…

    But speaking of angst, let me get a bit of extremely personal business out of the way real quick. Can I trust you with this info? Sure I can. MBFE made is cry like a baby. Not kidding. There have been very few times in my life that I have literally burst out crying. I’ve had some sad shite happen in my days, and I have seen some sad-ass movies, but nothing has made me cry out of the f*cking blue like MBFE. I’m not going to go into details about the final 10 pages of the book, but it tore my poor horror-heart a new one. It was bad. Like snot and hyperventilating type shite. Again, not kidding. Thank the lord I wasn’t in public is all I can say. I would have arrested and thrown in the booby-hatch.

    MBFE goes along like a slightly horror-centric version of Mean Girls and Heathers for most of its page count. If you’re a straight horror fan, you’ll be at odds with whether you should bother finishing it or not. You will. Trust me. But listen to me now and know that once our heroine goes into the dark, dank bedroom of the school’s resident bitch to find out why she hasn’t been in school the past few days/weeks, the horror hits like holy hell. And it only gets worse (RE: better) from there.

    In the end, MBFE is a book ever horror fan should own – if only for the cover. I dug the hell out of the book (eventually) and I’m sure the majority of you guys will too. But even for those hard-hearts out there that just can’t stand to read about things like uncompromising love, and hellfire-forged friendship, you still need to own the book. You still owe it to yourself to give it a try. If you don’t care for it, that’s cool, just display in on your bookshelf in all it’s VHS glory. It will make you look cool.

    • My Best Friend's Exorcism - Book Review
    3.5

    Summary

    Grady Hendrix’s “My Best Friend’s Exorcism” is a killer mixture of Mean Girls, Heathers, and The Exorcist. Just think of it as “What if Tina Fey wrote Jennifer’s Body” and you’ll have a good indication of what lies in store for you within the amazing VHS-inspired cover art.

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    Knock Knock Review – This Throwback To The VHS Era Packs A Fun Punch

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    Starring Kerry Tartack, Sisi Berry, Chuk Hell

    Directed by Toby Canto


    I remember the glory days of my youth back in the early to mid-80’s, renting every friggin horror flick on VHS and keeping the cassettes well past the return dates, eventually blacklisting my name from damn near all of the movie shops in my hometown. For the sole reason of wanting to hop back in the time-machine, I’ll never turn down the opportunity to check out a film that promises to ship you back to the days of all of that cheesy-neon attire and overblown hairdos.

    Director Toby Canto was generous enough to offer his latest film up onto the sacrificial stone, and it’s called Knock Knock – about a WAY past his prime pugilist named Sam (Tartack) who is unwillingly thrust into a throwdown with a bloodsucker who happens to reside in the same apartment – damn noisy neighbors! His only birthday wish is to spend his 60th go-round safely hold up in his domicile, away from pesky residents alike. Well, that plan goes to shit when his kooky neighbor (Berry) comes by and pitches the idea of throwing hands with the newest tenant: a real creature of the night (Lucas Ayoub).

    Sam initially nixes the idea wholeheartedly, but when more of his quirky neighbors show up to his place to substantiate the vampiric-claims, Sam finds himself lacing up the leather for one more round…or two, depending on if he can still take a beating. Filled with more than a handful of goofy instances, this near-hour presentation won’t blow the doors off of the horror/com vehicle, but should more than suffice in the short-term until the next spooky-laugher comes slithering out of its hole.

    • Film
    3.0

    Summary

    Historians alike, this movie’s for those who want a reminder of how loopy those VHS days were, and the best part is you don’t have to rewind a freakin’ thing.

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