Reviewed by Kryten Syxx
Starring Brad Johnson, Carl Weathers, Nathan Anderson, Michael Cory Davis and Lilas Lane
Directed by Robert Stadd
Distributed by Sci Fi
My God! A Sci Fi Channel movie that Foy hasn’t reviewed already?!
Yes, it is true that Alien Siege somehow slipped by the Foywonder, but that doesn’t mean it is really anything special. Alien Siege is a film that housed a very interesting premise, yet lacked the budget and talented people at the helm to steer the ship right and true. All is not lost, however, as there are some redeeming qualities to this tale of blood seekers from beyond the stars.
Alien Siege tells us a tale of a highly advanced humanoid race known as the Kulku. Their home world has been ravaged by a plague and the only cure is the blood of Earthlings. Faced with extinction the Kulku struck a deal with the nations of Earth where in return for a few billion humans, the Kulku wouldn’t blow our world into tiny bits. Now that’s bargining power!
Now, think about that plot for a moment. People are picked at random to be taken from friends and family to be liquefied. It is the ultimate sacrifice to a race that has shown nothing but hostility to us and NO ONE REVOLTS! OK, to be fair there are resistance movements in the flick, but when we’re shown the initial processing areas on Earth … no one is shedding even a tear or trying to overpower the small number of armed guards at each post. What the fuck? Governments all over the world us out and no one is even batting an eyelash before they’re loaded up and taken to the giant Magic Bullet in the sky?!
I may be over-thinking this; the human survival instinct should kick in when you realise that you’re either going to die by liquefaction or die by gunshot if you run and can’t escape. Which one is better? If there are 50 or 100 people all huddled together and only surrounded by 10 armed jackasses … wouldn’t you at least riot if it meant you could see your spouse or child again? Nope, not in Alien Siege. Here the entire human race is a load of butt-fucking quitters.
There’s also some silliness about a dad trying to save his daughter who also turns out to be the ultimate cure for the Kulku’s condition and her father developed and hid technology years ago that just happens to be able to turn the tide of the war when he joins up with a resistance movement. Yes, too many coincidences there to not make one scratch their head and say, “you’ve gotta be kidding me, right?”
That story, despite the LOL quality of it, could have made for a watchable event if the actors portraying these characters we’re supposed to care about didn’t read straight from the script. Each line of dialog sounds like it has been memorized just a few minutes before each scene was shot. Where was the emotion? That seems to be a common problem in Alien Siege. Not a single person cries, gets angry or anything! Even pod people have better range of emotions!
This all made sense when you look at Robert Stadd’s directing career. Not only is this the first film he’s directed, but Alien Siege is also the first one he has written! Oh happy days! Good thing he did the visual effects for Miami Vice and The Mask or else this whole production may have ended up worthless.
Speaking of special effects, Alien Siege’s only redeeming quality seems to be the number of good looking visuals we see. Of course the only ones worth mentioning are done via CGI. Too bad the same kind of time and talent wasn’t applied to the set pieces such as the interiors of the Kulku mother ship. For every cool shot of a battle ship or laser beam it is matched by a disappointing set piece that looks like it was bought straight off an eBay fire sale. Did someone donate sets from the Tom Baker era of “Doctor Who”? Exterminate this movie, please!
Sigh. Well, the movie looks good from time to time and that alone can’t save it from being a total bore. It’s watchable in a way that you keep thinking it could get better, yet it never does. Alien Siege is like getting blown by a woman with sharp teeth who stutters. The experience should feel good, but only if her ever present problem would just go away. I know … I’ve been there.
Oh, there’s some special features too. Production stills? Nevermind. Wait! A commentary track does reside on this disc, that’s a nice change. That means we’d have to sit through the movie again, doesn’t it? Lucky for you fiends I did just that. Robert Stadd and the actors who join him in this commentary do a good job of informing us about how the film came about and all the little things involved with the production. The real let down here is that all the actors express more emotion here than they did in the f’ing movie! That is insulting and this is where the review ends!
2 1/2 out of 5
3 out of 5