Skull & Bones (2007)

Skull & Bones reviewStarring Derrick Wolf, Michael Burke

Directed by T. S. Slaughter

For reasons unbeknownst to even myself, I am reviewing a movie called Skull & Bones. I am doing so against my better judgment, but hey, ask my husband … I don’t always use my best judgment anyway, so why start now?

Skull & Bones claims to be a campy, gay-themed, slasher flick about … let me quote this directly from the DVD cover; “Gay sex buddies”. Touting the tagline “A Tale of HOMO-cidal Mania”, this film follows these two “gay sex buddies” as they combat boredom by luring unsuspecting male victims into traps of deviant sexual abuse and eventual demise.

Although it seems to be trying to come across as a politically driven commentary on the declining state of society and the world today, Skull & Bones just ends up being an unintelligent, insulting, despicable mess wrapped in a nifty DVD case. I honestly can’t find one redeeming quality in the entire film, unless I count the fact that they use gorgeous specimens of some of my favorite species of snakes and tarantulas in the ludicrous finale. But, I don’t even think that an Albino Burmese Python and a few Coastal Carpet Pythons (which are from Australia by the way, not Brazil) can pull this film out of the shitter for me.

Basically all you get from Skull & Bones is a 73-minute string of horrendous gay clichés, hideous man asses wagging back and forth or having various objects forcibly inserted into them, atrocious acting (even for camp), and some of the most ridiculous editing I’ve ever seen. The violence is as laughable as the plot, and I’m not even sure if it should be categorized as horror. A better classification would be HORRIBLE.

I can’t even tell you how appalling it is for me to think that MY gay (or otherwise) friends could pick this piece of drivel up thinking that they will enjoy it. Let me assure them and you right now: you will NOT! It will more than likely upset you, hurt you, or even downright offend you, but I promise you one thing it will not do is entertain you.

I’ve seen some top-notch gay cinema and I guarantee that this film is nowhere even close! I’d rather lick the inside of my trashcan lid than watch Skull & Bones again, let alone recommend it to my friends. Hell, I wouldn’t even want my enemies to suffer through its inane bullshit!

The fact that the opening sequence of the film has these two “gay sex buddies” lying in bed, bitching about how lousy their sex life is, and then going into a whole spiel about how the only thing that turns them on is watching horror movies, and then they go on to list a dozen or more classic genre films (like it’s an homage). And then later yet they show stills of notorious serial killers during a “class lecture”.

Give me a fucking break!

To quote a good friend of mine “I call shenanigans!” All it really does is feed into the senseless retardation that perpetuates the belief in the simple minded that horror films cause people to turn into homicidal maniacs. And throwing a “Gay Theme” onto it to pull in a larger audience or be able to play at gay film festivals is simply contemptible!

As a critic it’s my job to provide my readers with the best information I can about the films and assorted projects I come across. I know that it may just be my personal opinion, but in the case of Skull & Bones my personal sense of duty to the genre and honor to my friends requires me to dissuade people from seeing this film. Stay away from Skull & Bones; STAY FAR AWAY!

0 out of 5

Avoid discussion of Skull & Bones in the Dread Central forums!

Box of Dread Black Friday
*Some International Shipping now available!

Melissa Bostaph