Re-Directed by Uwe Boll
Distributed by Lionsgate Home Entertainment
“In 1967, mine workers discovered the first remnants of a long lost Native American civilization – The Abkani. The Abkani believed that there are two worlds on this planet, a world of light and a world of darkness. 10,000 years ago the Abkani opened a gate between these worlds. Before they could close it, something evil slipped through. The Abkani mysteriously vanished from the Earth. Only a few artifacts remained, hidden in the world’s most remote places. These artifacts speak of terrifying creatures that thrive in the darkness, waiting for the day when the gate can be opened again. Bureau 713, the government’s paranormal research agency, was established to uncover the dark secrets of this lost civilization. Under the direction of archaeologist Lionel Hudgens, Bureau 713 began collecting Abkani artifacts. When the government shut down his controversial research, Hudgens built a laboratory hidden within an abandoned gold mine. There, he conducted savage experiments on orphaned children in an attempt to merge man with creature. Hudgens victims survived as “sleepers” – lost souls awaiting the moment of their calling.”
So reads the impossibly long opening crawl for one of Uwe Boll’s most notorious film’s Alone in the Dark, and holy shit is that a mouthful. I’ll never forget the looks of sheer disbelief on the faces of movie-goers who were staring slack-jawed at the screen during it on opening night. It was a moment (or several long moments for that matter) of absolute mad-genius! That’s the perfect way to describe Uwe. This guy cranks out movies that almost always suck yak nuts yet we cannot in some way help but be entertained by the over all absurdity of them. It’s kind of like rubbernecking a horrid auto wreck. I’ve always said, if Ed Wood were alive today, Boll would be his favorite director.
Not happy with the way Alone in the Dark turned out (and honestly, who was?) Dr. Boll decided to have another go at it. What we have here in this unrated director’s cut of the film, is the same movie minus nine minutes plus thirteen minutes. Fucking heavy shit, huh? Allow me to explain …
Uwe re-edited his film by making additions and subtractions. Gone is a grand total of about nine mind numbing minutes, and in their place we have around thirteen new mind numbing minutes of previously reedited or unused material. For example, the ridiculous Slater/Reid sex scene has been sacrificed for better pacing, more action, and a bit more violence. In fact, A LOT of Tara Reid’s performance(!) is missing.
*takes a moment to thank sweet baby Jesus*
So does the movie play better? Well let’s just put it this way … when talking about the films of Uwe Boll, words like better or good are purely relative. Me? I say bring on the silliness, break out the brew, smoke a J, and let’s have a good time.
Along with this latest cut we also get a couple of new features including a commentary which features an extremely enthusiastic Boll. Personally, I miss the old commentary with the cameo appearance from Boll’s dogs, but only because that shit was ludicrously funny! In addition to that is the ten minute featurette called Raging Boll: The Stuff of Legends. Who could forget Uwe’s boxing challenge to critics? Well the story’s all here, but unfortunately there’s no footage of the actual fights. Still, you’ll be more than amused. Returning from the previous edition are the two behind-the-scenes featurettes, Into the Dark, and Shedding a Light: The Visual F/X of Alone in the Dark, and the three storyboard to film comparisons.
So should you double dip? DARE YOU DOUBLE DIP? Don’t look at me! That shit is on you. For a more in-depth review of the original cut of the movie (as well as laughs-a-plenty) check out Foy’s Alone in the Dark review here.
1 out of 5
3 1/2 out of 5
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