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Bloodlines (DVD)

Bloodlines DVD (click for larger image)Starring Tracy Kay, Douglas Tait, Grace Johnston

Directed by Stephen Durham

Distributed by ThinkFilm


One glance at the cover of Bloodlines, and immediately the first thing that comes to mind is, “Oh, great. Another torture porn, wannabe slice of bullshit.” However, if you turn it over and read what it’s about, you just may be as intrigued as I was. That tale (although done before countless times in one way or another) seemed to offer a bit more than the usual fare, but could it deliver?

When a college beauty’s car breaks down on a back road, she finds herself kidnapped by inbred mutants. However, these misshapen monsters don’t mainly want to eat her. Hell, they’re not even that into torturing her. Instead, they just want to fuck. Yet, there is another twist to the story… Our heroine wakes up to find herself captured with a bunch of other women. Turns out she’s now a member of the inbred hillbilly branch of Fight Club in which the mutants pit their chicas against one another in fights to the death. The winner(!) gets the honor of being raped as a means to continue expanding upon the mutants’ ever twisting family tree.

Bloodlines DVD (click for larger image)So there you have it. The game is afoot! Bloodlines opens with a scene that shows a poppin’ ready pregnant woman stab herself through the belly, offing herself and her child with one swipe of a butcher’s knife. You don’t see things like this very often so for a minute I thought we might be in for something special. I mean, fuck man, they’re stabbing fetuses here. HOT DAMN!

Then it happens; things get boiled down into your same old run-of-the-mill shit-fest. As soon as the movie starts, it goes straight to hell in a handbasket. There’s barely any good violence to report on as most of the kills feature your standard shoot ‘em with an arrow gags and more fake looking neck snapping than I have ever seen in a single film before. If you do make it through all the monotony, you will be treated to quite possibly one of the worst endings I have seen in about ten years. I was literally laughing at the screen. That’s never a good sign.

As for extras, there’s a commentary with the cast and crew in which you’re led to believe they’re watching a different movie than you are. How they could be so pleased with themselves is beyond me. That’s it.

I was hoping Bloodlines would offer up a little mutant mayhem and be a quick fix while we all wait for Joe Lynch’s Wrong Turn 2. Man, was I wrong. Skip it. Shun it. Hide it at the store if you see it. Do your part to keep the viewing public free from this mess.

Special Features

  • Audio commentary with the cast and crew

    Film:

    1 1/2 out of 5

    Special Features:

    1 out of 5

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  • Steve Barton

    You're such an inspiration for the ways that I will never, ever choose to be.