We’re Going to Eat You (DVD)

We're Going to Eat You DVD (click for larger image)Starring Norman Chu, Eddy Ko and Kwok-choi Han

Directed by Hark Tsui

Distributed by Tokyo Shock

Cannibals are one of the least used evils in the horror genre. This plot device was even under-used and under-appreciated in the most recent Texas Chainsaw Massacre film if you can believe that. In the Seventies it seemed like eating human flesh was all the rage. But then it was back to vampires and monsters. Where did the fad go? Over to the East of course.

Agent 999 has been sent to a remote island village to arrest a thief known as Rolex, but the missing thief is the smallest worry when it turns out that the secluded villagers have had to resort to eating outsiders when the other food stocks ran out. Can Agent 999 capture his prey without becoming the #999 Special with rice?

We’re Going to Eat You is an interesting horror/comedy film out of China. It could be mistaken for a Texas Chainsaw Massacre within the first few minutes after the green masked, apron wearing maniacs attack two wandering men and cut them up for dinner. Oh, they throw live chickens into a boiling pot too. The mindless violence and a taste for human snacks do sound a bit familiar, but luckily that’s as far as the similarities go to one of the genre’s greatest movies.

We're Going to Eat You DVD (click for larger image)Though it’s no classic, We’re Going to Eat You holds its own because of two aspects: dialogue and quality gore. The martial arts action doesn’t exactly get the job done for those who have been spoiled by the latest Jet Li films. The fights often seem to be a bit too slow paced just like the story. Agent 999’s quest to arrest a man named after a watch company is less compelling than watching someone roll a cigarette, which 999 does a lot.

The dialogue is what holds the most entertainment value for We’re Going to Eat You. After only a couple of minutes into the feature, the audience is privileged to be hearing about urination problems and shortly after that a wig-wearing bandit exclaiming “Woooooooooooooooooooooooow!” when seeing what appears to be a dead body. Somewhere near the middle of the flick the same bandit escapes potential rape by Andre the Giant’s disfigured twin sister by stating he has syphilis. If I am not mistaken, there is also a reference to eating farts near the end. These and other mistranslations kept the experience from becoming dull.

We're Going to Eat You DVD (click for larger image)The last saving grace was the quality, not quantity of gore. The film is violent, but the amount of bloodshed is relatively low. Whoever made the body parts that got cut up did a great job of keeping a life-like look to the extremities. There are not many times limbs get chopped off, but when they do, it almost causes a cringe. How about a guy getting sawed in half with a large lumber saw? A hand getting lopped off at the wrist? Someone getting impaled by a bull’s skull? Fuck yeah!

If you were looking for lots of special features or at least one audio commentary, then there is disappointment in store. The image gallery comes with only a few posters and video covers, which is rather sad. Was there nothing else to add? The director of We’re Going to Eat You is still alive and making movies left and right.

It’s a hard sell when all you’ve really got is a bare bones disc.

For the cult following who have had VHS copies or bootlegs, this is a dream come true, but for the average horror fan this may be a rental at best unless you’re a completest. Then again, if you like strange quotable films, this is more infested with them than sores on a whore’s lips.

Special Features
Image Gallery (Oh the joy!!!)


3 1/2 out of 5

Special Features

1/2 out of 5

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Mike Phalin

Since 1997, Michael Patrick Phalin has been a contributing writer to various websites including Dread Central, iMockery, Bloody Disgusting and KrytenSyxx. During the early 1980s, Phalin's love of the movie industry was fueled by the VHS tapes he found during his time spent at the video rental store his mother worked at. Rather than attending a daycare regularly, young Michael would form a tower of tapes with interesting cover art and go watch each one, the very first of these being the original 'A Nightmare on Elm Street.' From that point he was hooked on horror and the process behind creating special effects. In his twenties, Mike met Steve 'Uncle Creepy' Barton and was soon aiding the horror website Dread Central with film reviews. As the site grew in popularity, Phalin soon started writing news stories and conducting interviews on a daily basis. After a few years, he decided to take a break from writing to focus on other opportunities. After moving to a beach community with his wife Michelle, both were cast to appear in the final season of A&E's home improvement show 'Fix This Yard' in 2013. This event rekindled Mike's love of the entertainment industry. Between the time he spends being with his family, Michael continues to contribute to Dread Central both with writing and photography. In his mid-thirties, Phalin took up oil painting after being inspired by an episode of Bob Ross. Pieces of his artwork and photography can be found on his Tumblr and official website.