Machined (DVD)

Machined DVD (Click for larger Image)Starring David C. Hayes, Jose Rosete, Patti Tindall

Directed, edited, produced, filmed, and written by Craig McMahon

Distributed by Lionsgate

It’s a good time for new filmmakers. Getting your work distributed on DVD seems pretty easy these days. People can see their visions come to life and be loved by millions … unless you make something horrible. That something, for today at least, is Machined.

Machined is as simple as you can get when making a Frankenstein themed film. We have our mad, masturbating scientist Motor Man Dan (David C. Hayes). He’s a big fella. He likes the best things in life. He enjoys collecting weapons used by serial killers and wearing rubber gloves while stroking his love sausage.

A mad scientist always needs his creation. Ryan (Jose Rosete) was in the wrong place at the wrong time when his car ran out of gas. With no one in sight, Ryan decides it’s best to flag down the next car and get help. Too bad the person he waved down was Motor Man Dan, who was busily thumbing through his mixed tape collection while driving.

Ryan, Ryan, Ryan … When you see the person driving the car is looking away from the road, it’s always the best decision to get the fuck out of the way. Ryan’s ignorance leaves him mangled, bloody, and in the care of our hairy palmed fiend Dan.

The rest of the movie is a mess. No, wait, the whole movie is a mess. Motor Man Dan’s monster is nothing more than Ryan dressed up in some football gear and a welding helmet. I guess he’s more of an S&M plaything for Dan because he sure as hell isn’t scary.

I can understand why Uncle Creepy stopped watching Machined and offered it to me. It’s hard to resist turning the DVD player off a good 10 minutes into the story. I was so tired of the grey, washed out filter that was being used. It was so inferior that I think I got some sort of hard-on whenever the slightest hint of color flashed on the screen. Machined does for the color grey what The Omen (2006) did for red: It makes you hate it!

Machined DVD (Click for larger Image)Machined is loaded with problems. Victims can’t hear the heavy breathing killer right behind them. Dan is dumb as rocks, but he manages to make a cyborg out of a $50 shopping trip to the Sports Authority. Boobs didn’t even wake me out of the daze!

This is just a tragically sucky film, and the acting is startched. The camera work is as exciting as my grandmother’s closet. The list can go on and on. There’s just no upside to this work. All the gory bits are shot from far away or through a first person view. Ack! It just aggravates me so much when a film is this useless.

Could the special features possibly make up for this? No, not one bit did the large list help. The special features read a lot like what you used to find when DVDs were first released in the 1990’s. Remember when a menu system was always listed on the back of a box as something “special”? Those good old days are here again thanks to Machined. Lionsgate did its best trying to sell this pile of poopy to us. The trailer shows that they tried so hard to make it look good, but at the end of it you still know it’s low budget garbage that is sure to please a tiny amount of horror fans.

With the flood of direct-to-DVD films on the market already, you will probably be able to find a movie that is ten times more watchable than this. Trust me, I’m a doctor.

Special(?!?) Features
• Letterbox Presentation
• English 2.0 Dolby Surround
• English 5.1 Dolby Digital
• Optional English Subtitles
• Optional Spanish Subtitles (The best Special Feature! It’s even better than the movie itself!)
• Trailer Gallery
• Digitally Mastered
• Closed Captioned
• Interactive Menus
• Screne Selection

Keep in mind that according to the box NONE of these Special Features are rated. I do hope more DVDs come with totally cool UNRATED 5.1 Dolby Surround Sound!

1 out of 5

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Mike Phalin

Mike Phalin is a contributing writer, reality television star and engineer.

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