Suckling, The (DVD)

Every now and then a film comes along that redefines how you feel about horror films. A film that is risky and unabashed. A film that will burn itself into the viewer’s psyche for some time to come. The Suckling is not that film.

This is a very hard review to write – not because I’m unsure of whether or not I liked the film but because I am still trying to come to terms with what I just watched. Allow me if you will to bring you up to speed on the story: Two crazy sex indulgent teens end up with an unexpected pregnancy on their hands. Instead of going to a hospital or clinic, the preppy boyfriend somehow convinces his significant other that the local broken-down whorehouse is THE way to go! I mean, honestly, what woman wouldn’t want an obese head mistress by the name of Big Mama poking around her vagina with a coat-hanger? Well, that’s just what happens – coat-hanger scene included.

The fetus is scraped out of its host only to be flushed down a dirty Whore’s Toilet™. I swear, upon sight of this porcelain fecal portal you can almost smell the S.T.D.’s! So here we go! Little junior is riding a wet and wild slide down to the sewers of New York City, but guess where he lands? In a puddle of toxic waste! From there he mutates into a fierce creature with claws for hands and a tentacle-like umbilical cord! Not only that, but our tiny antagonist now has the ability to change his size in order to swim back up through the sewage system and right back into and out of the toilet in which he was originally flushed, beheading a whore along the way.

That’s STILL not the extent of junior’s tricks though! Man, toxic waste can enable you to do all sorts of stuff! His next task? Cocoon the whorehouse in a fleshy membrane (that sort of resembles really bad curtains lit from below) and take revenge on the bastards that dared to send him the way of the Tidy Bowl Man™!

From there on we are treated to some of the best worst lines in film history! Here’s a sampling:

“You wouldn’t know bullshit if you were standing under a bull!” – Whore to house bully.

”Some guys! All they want to do is just blow their load in your face! Ah well, everybody has their problems.” – Whore to whore.

“You got your wish, Penis-Brain™! You’re locked in a whorehouse for life!” – Whore to paying customer that earlier donned a propeller hat and wielded a rotating dildo.

This film(!) is a mess from top to bottom. Yet, I couldn’t take my eyes off of it. It was like revisiting a horrible car wreck. You just end up sitting there staring wide-eyed in disbelief. To The Suckling’s credit there was an ample amount of gore, and considering the budget of this sleazy shitfest, the beastie looked pretty good. Nowadays it would have been all CGI. Here we’re at least treated to a good old-fashioned guy in a rubber suit, complete with shoddy claymation inserts for the more obscure shots.

So is The Sucking worth your time? Personally, I think you’re far better off watching the Larry Cohen mutant baby run amok epic It’s Alive or either of its sequels. However, if you’re in the mood for a filthy little romp that would never get made today, you may just find yourself suckling your DVD remote while tuning in to 89 minutes full of morons, topless nurses with axes, rotating dildos, smart-mouth whores, and of course . . . BIG MAMA! *shudder*

The Suckling (1989)
(Elite Home Entertainment)
Directed by Francis Teri
Starring Michael Gingold, Marie Michaels, Lisa Petruno, and Frank Rivera

Special Features

1 1/2 out of 5

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Steve Barton

You're such an inspiration for the ways that I will never, ever choose to be.

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