Strawberry Estates (DVD)

Let me start out first by saying that I LOVED The Blair Witch Project. As a matter of fact, I loved The St. Francisville Experiment (for all the wrong reasons mind you; it was cheese at its funniest). When I got this one into my creepy little paws, I was excited to say the least! Especially since:

A- this movie(!) was filmed 2 years before Blair Witch


B- because the acting(!) was rumored to be quite good

I’m a sucker for these schlock-docs to begin with so it was now cinematic party time!

*Fast forward 1 hour & 40 minutes later*

*makes sign of the cross* Please sweet baby Jesus, damn the creators of this friggin’ mess! I’ve seen better acting in high school plays! Hell, I’ve read better dialogue written for high school plays. I’ve never been so bored. There is NOTHING good about this. Nothing. Did I mention nothing? Wow.

Viewers are treated to a twenty-minute plus onscreen conversation between a pinhead and a bimbo about religion. Oh, and let’s not forget about the jump scare by someone wearing a WCW Sting™ mask and the vital exposition delivered outside during a windstorm (even if you want to, you absolutely cannot make out what the hell the character was saying). Then when the ghosts FINALLY do show up, some were wearing Ocean Pacific™ T-shirts and Champion™ sweats Really scary, eh? Would it have been too much to ask to have the actors(!) at least show up in dress clothes? You know, something that kinda looks like what they may have been, oh I don’t know, buried in?!? And to make matters even worse, director(!) Ron Bonk even deprives the viewer of a proposed boob flash! Un-Fuckin-Real!

I now present to you my new uses for my Strawberry Estates DVD:

5- Doorstop

4- Paperweight

3- Furniture leg prop (i.e., table, couch, etc.)

2- A good reason to watch something else

1- Something other than change or food to offer the homeless should they happen to ask

Do not watch this! Not even out of morbid curiousity. It’s NOT so bad it is good. You have been warned!

Strawberry Estates 1997
Sub Rosa Entertainment
Directed(!) by Ron Bonk
Starring(!) Lisa Chelezna, Chrissy Frick, Bob Fullenbaum, Jason Reed

Special Features
More stuff that sucks

0 out of 5 Mugs O’ Blood

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Steve Barton

You're such an inspiration for the ways that I will never, ever choose to be.