Monster Man (2003)

Starring Eric (Not Another Teen Movie) Jungmann, Justin (Horror 101) Ulrich, Aimee (Critters 3) Brooks

Directed by Michael Davis

I guess I just didn’t get it. After watching this movie I decided to check out some other reviews of it online, just to see if my opinion was alone in the wilderness. Turns out I’m going to be eating berries for a long time cause almost everyone else out there seems to have really dug this movie. Me? Well, we’ll get to that…

Your story involves a 25 year old virgin named Adam (Jungmann) who’s on his way to see one of his best friends get married, a girl he’s been secretly in love with for years. His annoying friend Harley (Ulrich) decides to tag along, seemingly so he can make Adam feel worse and worse about himself for the entire road trip. You see, they used to be friends but it was cut off when they had a very heated argument about the promiscuity of the girl Adam’s in love with. Tension prevails.

Along the way they stop at a bar full of yokels watching a monster truck show on the tube and Harley, being the incredibly annoying human being that he is, decides it’s a fun idea to make fun of them, too, very loudly. After getting back on the road they’re soon terrorized by a monster truck which they assume is one of the aforementioned yokels trying to get some revenge, but it turns to be a lot worse…I guess. Oh, and along the way they pick up a really hot chick (Brooks). Can’t forget that!

This movie really doesn’t have any idea what it wants to be. It’s trying in vain to be a horror/comedy, but it’s main drawback to the horror aspect is that it’s not even remotely scary or threatening, since they have maybe a total of three run-ins with the titular man throughout the course of the film, and it’s drawback on the comedy side is that it’s not funny. At all. Don’t get me wrong, it thinks it’s funny. They try and inject humorosue Kevin Smith-like dialogue between our two “heroes”, but all it does is serve to annoy the viewer. My fast forward button got a lot of use on this flick.

Harley is probably one of the most annoying humans to ever be portrayed in a film. All he does is rip on Adam for his status as a virgin, he gets very loud for no reason, and walks around thinking he is God’s gift to women. In fact he’s an overweight moron that would most likely be still living in his parents basement in real life while all his friend matured and decided to stop speaking to him because he still acts like the over-compensating jock he most likely was in high school. And I hated every second he was on screen.

So what does this movie have going for it? Very little. The last, say, 10 minutes have some decent gore and cool effects, but the events going on around said gooey stuff makes what could’ve possibly been the film’s only saving grace pretty much nil.

Lions Gate has just released the film on DVD after what seems like a long time, so now you can just go rent it for yourself. Only make sure you’ve got a free rental coming when you do, cause yo’re gonna be mad. Of course, given how many other horror sites out there have praised Monster Man, maybe I’m just insane. Either way I found it to be a horrible waste of my Sunday afternoon, and I want that time back.

Most people, like our friend Scott Foy, can write for pages about how horrible a particular movie was, and thank God for people like him to entertain us. For me, though, the less I write about it the less I have to think about, and the sooner I can forget about it. So I’ll just leave it with this: don’t waste your time with Monster Man, unless you enjoy pain.

0 ½ out of 5

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Johnny Butane

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