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Halloween Pussy Trap Kill! Kill! (DVD)

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Halloween Pussy Trap Kill KIll

Halloween Pussy Trap Kill KIllStarring Sara Malakul Lane, Richard Grieco, Demetrius Stear, Laura Parkinson, the voice of Dave Mustaine

Written and Directed by Jared Cohn


At first I thought I was watching the wrong movie. You don’t expect a film titled Halloween Pussy Trap Kill! Kill! to open in the Middle East with American soldiers in combat against Islamic terrorists. This unexpected war movie opening sequence does set the stage for what’s to come – sort of.

Back in California, years later, a predominantly female punk band named Kill, Pussy, Kill! wastes no time making some of the biggest mistakes anyone can ever make in a horror movie.

Hold on a sec. First of all, if you’re a small time rock band trying to make it big and your vehicle breaks down while on a road trip you might as well accept that you’re going to die very shortly. Someone’s gonna kill you. It’s just how the world works. I’ve seen enough movies. I know this to be true.

And if you breakdown in the dead of night – on Halloween, no less – at a seemingly abandoned gas station in the middle of nowhere and are immediately greeted by a white trash weirdo offering you a ride up the road to be reunited with a member of your group who has already gone missing, you might as well just go ahead and kill yourselves.

Actually, that’s kind of what ends up happening – sort of.

The band quickly find themselves taken captive inside the Honeymoon Saw Suite and forced to face their fears as they partake in a game of life or death orchestrated by an unseen madman referred to as The Mastermind, voiced by Megadeath frontman Dave Mustaine. Talk about 99 way to die…

The Mastermind is a mummy-wrapped, wheelchair-bound, psychotic ex-soldier who got his face chopped off by ISIS in the opening and now wheels around California looking and sounding like the deranged bastard lovechild of Darkman and Jigsaw with just a dash of Batman nemesis The Scarecrow. The Mastermind wants to teach you a lesson about appreciating your life and freedom or something like that. His negative reinforcement musings are so nonsensically loopy that with a little bit of tweaking to the script The Mastermind’s rants could have functioned as a sly parody of the santimonious empty moralizing that constitutes much of Jigsaw’s allegedly life-enriching torments.

I also don’t know why this band needed to be tortured into killing one another because given how quickly they’re ready to turn on each other it’s apparent they were destined to kill each other eventually, regardless. Wanna get out of this trap-filled room? One member of the band has to find a gun and shoot another. There’s not a ton of hesitation when she finds that firearm. This is record time for characters that are not complete strangers to turn on one another in a horror movie.

Heck; before they even get taken captive they’re giving one of their male bandmates the boot after he attempts to rape another. That guy comes back into the picture later on and displays such a sadistic streak of his own The Mastermind really should have just put him on the payroll.

Hard to get invested in any of these band members or feels much by way of suspense because none of them have any real personality. Two of them are lesbian lovers, that one guy I mentioned seems well on his way to being a sociopath as is, and another guy has big hair. That’s about the extent of their characterizations. I can’t even recall any of their names.

Nobody in the cast really stands out except for killers. Oh,how I really wish Cohn had focused more on The Mastermind and his family than his victims. The Mastermind has a wife attired in the cheesiest, most generic Halloween witch costume imaginable and they have a special needs daughter. When trick or treaters show up at their hovel in the middle of nowhere they murder them, too, in rather hilarious fashion. Nothing about them is every delved into. This is just who they are and what they do.

Then there’s Richard Grieco as the gas station attendant whose ties to the Mastermind are also never really explained. Is he a relative? A friend? On the payroll? Who is this guy and why is he part of this? Nor is it explained why he seems to be almost impervious to pain — and death! Or, for that matter, why he does most of what he does during the last third of the film. The focus shifts from The Mastermind’s game and more to whatever Grieco’s character feel like doing at that very moment, whether its playing his own mind games, getting in on the killing, or just just feeling rapey. It’s here that this train wreck of a movie finally derails and, believe me, it was already on the verge of jumping the tracks for much of its running time.

For all its fault, and there are many, I really was modestly entertained by Halloween Pussy Trap Kill! Kill! until the third act when the bandmates-in-peril storyline mostly takes a powder in favor of a new set of even less likeable victims, and Grieco’s weirdo actively enters the trap rooms for no discernible reason.

“For no discernible reason” also summarizes most of why anything happens in this movie, taking one of the worst cues from Rob Zombie’s 31, thankfully minus that film’s smug sense of satisfaction believing itself to be far cooler than it actually was. Cohn’s microbudget production lacks the slickness of Zombie’s but isn’t afraid to revel in the sleaze of it all, somehow making it a bit more palatable in my eyes.

Why am I for the most part giving Halloween Pussy Trap Kill! Kill! a pass? For mostly the same reason everything that happens in the movie occurs — for no discernible reason.

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User Rating 3.09 (11 votes)

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7 Guardians Of The Tomb Review – Rest Easy, Indiana Jones – There’s Not Much To See Here

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Starring Kellan Lutz, Bingbing Li, Kelsey Grammar

Directed by Kimble Rendall


If it only weren’t for those friggin’ spiders. Kimble Rendall’s adventurous flick, 7 Guardians Of The Tomb is one of those “wanted to be, yet couldn’t quite hit the mark” action-films that will probably entertain those looking for some cave-dwelling escapades caught on celluloid, but for the more picky aficionado of said slam-bang pics, this one might be viewed as a bit stagnant. Let’s strap on our mining helmets and pick around this one, shall we?

Acting as a bit of a search-and-rescue formation, the movie tails alongside Dr. Jia Lee (Li) as she hunts down the whereabouts of her missing brother after losing contact with him while he was on expedition in Western China. Apparently he was looking for a secretive Emperor’s tomb that supposedly holds a potion that can reanimate, or re-invigorate…or rehabilitate – anyway you slice it, the juice has got some pretty potent powers. So a search team is assembled, led by Mason (Grammar – glad someone got Frasier off of the barstool), and he’s latched onto all-American fella Jack (Lutz) to assist this operation. As it turns out, the initial journey is cut off fairly quick when a violent electrical storm forces the group to head underground, and that’s when things get creepy and crawly…like 8-legged style. The film is ripe with some feverish action and a few decent performances, but it’s the overall framework that acts as the big bully, tauntingly kicking sand in the little guy’s face at the beach.

We’ve got love interests, a flurry of backstories, and oh my lord, those spiders! Yep, even the heartiest of CGI can effectively ruin a good case of the willies when it comes to arachnids and their powers of sucking humans and animals dry of their lifeforce. It’s an intently goofy movie, and even the dialogue seems a bit showy at times, leaving plausibility and intelligence at the entrance to the caves. Lutz is fun to watch as the burly rescuer, and he looks as the type who is just waiting for his cinematic moment to step into the spotlight. What pains me is that this movie really could have been something much bigger, and apparently it looks as if the majority of the film’s budget was wasted on those hokey-looking computerized spiders. All in all, 7 Guardians Of The Tomb is spotty entertainment, even if you despise those little skittering aphids racing towards you, programmed or not. Give it a peek if Raiders Of The Lost Ark isn’t readily available at your disposal…even that crappy Crystal Skull one.

  • Film
2.5

Summary

A film that could have been so much more, adventure-wise instead comes off looking like a lesson in how not to waste too much time on computer imagery.

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Who Goes There Podcast: Ep 160 – A QUIET PLACE

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Lately, it seems as though comedy actors are cutting their teeth as horror directors and absolutely killing it! This year’s indie horror darling comes in the form of John Krasinki’s A Quiet Place. Chris has been sick as a dog, so the haomie Christine from Horrible Imaginings Film Fest is filling in to discuss whether A Quiet Place is 2018’s horror heavyweight, or just a lot of noise.

What Bruno took was what changed me; it only amplifies your essence. It simply makes you more of what you already are. It’s the Who Goes There Podcast episode 160!

If you like what you hear, please consider joining our Patreon subscribers. For less than the cost of a beer, you get bonus content, exclusive merchandise, special giveaways, and you get to help us continue doing what we love.

The Who Goes There Podcast is available to subscribe to on iTunes right here. Not an iTunes user? You can listen on our Dread Central page. Can’t get enough? We also do that social media shit. You’ll find us on FacebookTwitterInstagramTwitch, and YouTube.

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THE DEVIL AND FATHER AMORTH Review: Friedkin Goes Mondo Catholic

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Starring Father Gabriele Amorth

Directed by William Friedkin


Hitting theaters this weekend in NYC and LA is William Friedkin’s new documentary, The Devil and Father Amorth. And right away I am asked: “Is it ‘good’?” You don’t watch a documentary like this with that in mind. Faces of Death, Traces of Death, Mondo Cane. They are not here to be “good”—they are beyond words like that. Beyond good and bad.

It is more like the sideshow—Behold! See what has not been seen before! The Horror! The Forbidden! And you hand the man your ticket — you see The Arabian Giantess at the flea market in New Jersey, and maybe it is a sleight of hand and made of papier-mâché, but it was worth that dollar, and now you have a story. You have bought your way into the unknown.

The Devil and Father Amorth is light on science (and length – it runs just 68 minutes) and heavy on faith. If you have been exposed to Friedkin’s — or more specifically, William Peter Blatty’s — work, there is the struggle with belief in the Roman Catholic faith, and also in the search for evidence of the miracle. You could also prove the Force of Divine Good if you could face the opposite side of the coin—the Force of Evil, in the vernacular of Catholicism—the Devil himself. Paradoxical, yes—faith exists without proof; and so what is the drive to tell the world God exists, the Devil exists?

In the documentary we learn Rome is filled with the possessed. Hundreds of people are contacting the Church about their own possession or the possession of their loved ones. The Most Holy Father Amorth is the person the Vatican has tapped to perform exorcisms—thousands of them. And sometimes he has repeat business. Christina is one such woman, exorcised nine times and still susceptible to the Force of Evil. Those of us who are non-believers look at this woman as someone who is troubled—but “through the eyes of faith,” obviously it is a demon.

Surrounded by her family, the rite begins, and you see… an actual exorcism. There is no enhancement, no Dick Smith make-up; it is not as dramatic as we want it to be. Should we get her help that is not in the form of a witch doctor? What about doctors? And so we meet them.

Friedkin brings the footage to top hospitals in NYC. Psychologists give their point of view. Then neurosurgeons. They don’t know what’s going on—the exorcism seems to help, but they do see that it might be a cultural remnant. There is a medical diagnosis for it, as it can affect anyone of any faith. But the doc never digs too deep. I am disappointed: I needed to know more. I don’t believe it.

Are they hurting Christina? Is she just another female the Church is suppressing, as they did with witches—the control, the stigma, of the female body and identity? None of this is explored because it’s just a 1-dollar ticket under the striped tent, just left of the dancing girls and the strong man—Actual! Exorcist! Footage! Hurry up and see!

As Friedkin mentioned himself, when someone asks you to film an exorcism, you say yes. So see it for the freak show. Expect nothing else. And either you believe or you don’t, based on how you were raised — mythology, religion, or superstition.

  • The Devil and Father Amorth
2.0

Summary

See it for the freak show. Expect nothing else.

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