Reviewed by The Foywonder
Starring Max Ryan, Ginny Weirick, Maria Conchita Alonso, Chris Mulkey, Billy Drago, Sid Haig, Lin Shaye
Directed by Dana Mennie
Distributed by Lionsgate Home Entertainment
DAY ONE: Just added Wolf Moon to Netflix instant streaming. Very late at night. Lasted about 27 minutes before shutting it off, and not because it was time for bed. Nothing of even the slightest interest has happened. There has been no flow to the story. Not even sure there’s been a story yet. A young woman in a Southwestern desert town meets one of those werewolves with a thing about not killing people. Her dad doesn’t approve of her seeing this handsome drifter. Dad also has a thing for the Latina sheriff. The drifter’s were-daddy has followed him to town and doesn’t have any issues about slaughtering innocent people. Gore – still bored. Breasts – still bored. This movie clearly had production values, it’s a nice looking film, and there are decent name actors like Chris Mulkey and Maria Conchita Alonso that can deliver when given something to work with; why is this movie so deadly dull? How long is this damn movie anyway? 124 minutes? Are you kidding me? Two hours and four minutes for this thing? I’ve just endured a half-hour of nothing, and you’re telling me there’s still over ninety more minutes to go? I’m only one fourth in? 124 minutes? Jesus. I’m going to bed.
DAY TWO: I made it about another 20 minutes before I had to shut it off again. This movie can be summed up in two words: relentless tedium. Over two hours of relentless tedium. Nobody is saying or doing anything of interest. You could replace the actors’ voices with that of Peppermint Patty’s teacher, and it would make absolutely no difference to me. The soundtrack is probably playing on a loop in Honky Tonk hell. Hey, finally a werewolf … for about 15 seconds. Not bad make-up. Looks a bit like Beast from X-Men. Body is a bit rubbery, but I can live with this make-up. But who thought that Rastafarian wig on Lin Shaye’s head was a good idea? Since when do elderly white fortune tellers in the American Southwest have hair like Milli Vanilli? She looks ridiculous. Still over an hour to go and still no sense that it’s going anywhere.
DAY THREE: Today is my birthday. There is no way in hell I am going to spend one second of it watching Wolf Moon.
DAY FOUR: Took in a little over a half hour. Everything continues to feel like it’s at a standstill. I’m over an hour in, and there has been very little werewolf action, a monster boy falls for mortal girl romance that makes me long for an Edward/Bella stare-a-thon, we got a few moments of Sid Haig, and nothing but endless scenes of relentlessly tedious exposition. I honestly wonder at this point — was there anything the director actually filmed that he chose not to leave in? Are there more scenes of Chris Mulkey and Maria Conchita Alonso sitting around droning on about what may be responsible for the recent “animal deaths” around town? Something just dawned on me. My God! I actually turned a year older while watching this film. I am now a year older than I was when I started watching this. Wolf Moon is so ungodly long and boring I have actually aged while watching it.
DAY FIVE: Busy day. No time for Wolf Moon. Dinocroc vs. Supergator debuted on Syfy, and that had my top priority this evening.
DAY SIX: Finally finished it. Who was supposed to be the target audience for this movie? Doubtful horror fans will like it since it’s more interested in being Twilight for rednecks than a werewolf flick. The R rating theoretically cuts down on the teen audience, and even then there’s entirely too much dead air not dedicated to the central romance. Ah, hell, this infernal film is so soul-crushingly boring I doubt most humans in general will make it all the way to the end. I had mentioned to a friend on Xbox Live about how unbearable Wolf Moon was, and I guess he didn’t believe me because he decided to give it a look. He told me today he gave up after 28 minutes – exactly one minute longer than I did on the first night.
The most subdued Billy Drago I’ve seen in a long time finally arrives and immediately goes to work joining Mulkey and Alonso in their exposition marathons. Sid Haig completes his five minutes of screen time getting one funny and cool moment turning the tables on a werewolf by biting it; otherwise, anyone could have played this crazy redneck role or any other role in this flick for that matter. The battle of the wolfmen might have been entertaining if it lasted longer, had a better build, and both actors weren’t wearing identical make-up that made them nearly indistinguishable from one another. At least it’s finally over.
First-time filmmaker Dana Mennie clearly put his heart into Wolf Moon, and I do have to give the guy credit for trying to make something more ambitious than the typical b-movie dreck, but all of that is negated by his complete lack of common sense when it comes to editing this thing down. He seemed to have it in his head he was making some sort of epic. Wolf Moon probably would have still been lousy even at 90 minutes, but at least it would have only been 90 minutes. At 124 minutes, it’s absolutely insufferable.
I noticed Dread Central and Uncle Creepy listed amongst those given thanks during the closing credits. I asked Creepy about this and was told he had been shown a rough cut of the film some months back when Mennie was seeking early feedback. Creepy told him then and there that his film was entirely too long and needed to be trimmed down. He should have heeded that advice. If he had, maybe I wouldn’t have to issue the following rating.
out of 5
1/2 out of 5