Bear Scary (Short)

Bear ScaryReviewed by The Foywonder

Starring Louie Russo Brownlie, Lauren Bushby, Sophia Disgrace, Tabbather Ecco

Written and Directed by Dan Brownlie

If there’s one thing the UK horror short Bear Scary made apparent to me it’s that I just don’t understand the current state of British parenting. What kind of mother hires a babysitter who looks like she should be the prize that goes to the winner of a crowbar fight between drunken soccer hooligans? Were there no wholesome girls to watch over her child that don’t swear like a sailor, proudly display unfinished tramp stamps, or wears a hoodie every waking moment? For that matter, what kind of mother keeps a house full of booze but warns the babysitter not to touch the ice cream? I seriously question this woman’s parenting skills.

That ever surly babysitter displays zero interest in looking after this weird little wanker, so little she tosses this boy’s favorite teddy bear out of the window. Go to bed and don’t bother me while I invite my two gal pals over to get liquored up is her babysitting philosophy. The cast of Trainspotting would make better babysitters.

Her two female friends – one covered with so many tattoos I think she may have broken up Sandra Bullock’s marriage on the way over – sit around and get snookered before engaging in the least enthusiastic pillow fight I think I have ever seen in any form of entertainment built around slutty babysitters. The babysitter and the heavily tattooed one will get into an argument that I didn’t even realize was meant to be an argument until the tattooed one got offended and walked out.

The teddy bear out on the front lawn undergoes a gruesome metamorphosis sprouting fangs and claws and looking like something Alice Cooper would keep in his toy box. Don’t ask why this occurs.

I will ask how and why in a movie with only a three person body count a filmmaker would have a teddy bear turn monstrous and then waste a kill by having it smother someone to death with a shower curtain. I don’t know; the teddy deaths just didn’t excite me the way I think a good killer teddy bear rampage should and that’s a bit of a problem for me considering this schlocky shocker only exists so that a teddy bear can turn evil and kill skanks.

I wanted to enjoy Bear Scary more than I actually did but it never fully clicked for me. Perhaps if much of the short hadn’t been scored with headache-inducing thrash metal music that sounds like the band Acid Reign running over a Stomp concert with a bulldozer…

Bear Scary is available for viewing via Amazon’s Video on Demand. It’s still better than most of Charles Band’s recent killer toy offerings.

2 1/2 out of 5

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  • FireRam

    After reading that review, I guess I’m confuzzled at how it even obtained 2 1/2 knive thingys.

    Abashed the Devil stood and felt how awful goodness is.

  • e-x-i-t

    that was the day the teddy bears haaaaaaaad their raaaaaampage. stephen colbert called it “a terrifying tour de force”. great review…the sandra bullock line was classic.

  • James Coker

    You know what Foy, I really want a movie, hell even a short about a Killer Teddy beart NOT turning into a monster bear to kill like this or that quick scene in stuart gordon’s DOLLS BUT just Killing people as a normal teddy bear with a knife or something Hell even if it’s made by charlie band I’ll still want to see it, because come on when has that ever been done before