Seamstress, The (2009)

The SeamstressReviewed by The Foywonder

Starring Kailin See, James Kirk, Lara Gilchrist, Andee Frizzell, Lance Henriksen

Directed by Jesse James Miller

This is going to be a difficult to review to write. It won’t be a long review. That part isn’t a problem since the movie was only 75 minutes (but feels much longer). The reason this is going to be a difficult review to write is because The Seamstress was the first of five movies I viewed in a 48-hour period (four of which I’ll be writing reviews of), and I’ll be damned if I can barely remember much of anything about it.

The only thing I remember vividly is the opening text. If you thought the opening text at the outset of Halloween 2 explaining the psychological meanings of envisioning a white horse was laughable, then just wait until you see the dictionary definition of the word “revenge” spelled out for us at the outset of The Seamstress. Now that left me in stitches. No offense to the filmmakers, but I think we all know what revenge is.

Allie (Kailin See, Decoys 2: The Second Seduction) is a young woman returning to the small rural community in which she was raised determined to find out the truth about her missing and presumed dead father. We know she’s adamant about finding out the truth because she’s prone to yelling at people when questioning them. This will later be replaced with an abundant amount of loud weeping.

What happened to Allie’s dad will have ties to a local tale from decades past, that of an innocent woman brutally murdered by an angry lynch mob back from the grave as a murderous ghost. If you have ever seen Darkness Falls or Dead Silence, then you know what to expect from this revenge-minded murderess.

You may have noticed Lance Henriksen’s name in the credits. He has a fairly small part as the sheriff. His role has more to do with using his name to help market the movie than it does contributing to the actual plot.

We all know that every good movie slasher needs a hook. Not literally, mind you, except for the I Know What You Did Last Summer killer, in which case – yes, literally. I mean the slasher needs a gimmick: the theme of their physical appearance, a decorative mask of some sort, a particular murder weapon, a specific way in which they kill you, etc. The Seamstress is no different. Being a seamstress means it makes perfect sense when she leaves behind mangled bodies with their eyes and mouth sewn shut.

Movie slashers also seem to prefer isolated woodland areas, even supernatural seamstresses bearing a grudge. Allie gets some friends together and they head off to the small nearby island the Seamstress is said to haunt. Everyone pairs up for some camping and nookie until it finally comes time for the hideous Seamstress to thread the needle and begin killing them off-camera, leaving behind their gory stitched-up corpses.

There were many things I was quite unsure of watching The Seamstress. Characters in the film appeared a bit confused at times as well. There was much talk about rules getting changed, rules I was never fully clear on in the first place.

The only thing I was absolutely, 100% positive of was how bored I was. Even the score sounded bored with the movie it was accompanying. This is a shame because The Seamstress is a great looking low budget horror film, and the actual idea behind the Seamstress character could have been sewn into a more intriguing tapestry. Unfortunately, this was a 75-minute movie where very little happened until the film is already halfway over and what did happen wasn’t worth the wait.

Here’s your bad critical pun for the day: The Seamstress is more yawn than yarn.

1 out of 5

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