15 Nauseating Horror Sequels
Texas Chainsaw 3D – The one and only Uncle Creepy described this one as a “glorified fan film,” and he’s almost spot-on. It’s actually more like a really lazy glorified fan film. This pic is filled with more holes than two boxes of Cheerios, and no matter how well done any other element of the film might have been handled, that one weakness alone would have sunk this decrepit sub. But that wasn’t the only issue with the movie. Not even close. The film boasts about two well-shot sequences and features a group of “protagonists” (Let’s just be real: They’re victims) that wouldn’t in two million years hang out with each other. Really, there’s a weird, slightly Goth girl in the mix; a wannabe suave, “tough” black dude; a dork who seems to serve... well, no purpose whatsoever; and then there’s the stunning Tania Raymonde, who looks like she showed up thinking, "Fuck it, it’s a paycheck." Terrible cast. If the cohesiveness of Scream 3’s cast was awful, this is... I’m not certain a word for it has even been invented yet! And for the record, I’m still struggling to figure out the timeline of this film... is Leatherface now like 65 years old? Or what about the main chick? Shouldn't she be in her forties? Is this supposed to have taken place in some time frame not too distanced from 1974? Is this really a sequel? Did anyone think any of this through? Did I miss that detail while contemplating numerous suicidal methods to avoid reaching its conclusion?
Hellraiser: Revelations – There’s a part of my inner core that accepts a willingness to embrace the thought of anyone other than Doug Bradley portraying Pinhead. Someone could certainly make it work! Then it unfolds on screen, your innards overturn, and your brain is cast into pure upheaval. Because it sucks, harder than Judy and her breakfast habits (Cornershop fans will pick up on that one). Hands down the worst Hellraiser production to be created, and the one true sequel you know – without a doubt – is actually guaranteed to be more putrefying than Halloween: Resurrection. Uh... kudos to director Víctor García, I guess? It can’t be too easy to completely liquesce all things great about a franchise like Hellraiser... right? Still, bonus points for the weirdness of the incestuous scene involving eating soup with no spoon and the hilarious moments in which Pinhead reacts to people touching the Lament Configuration "I Dream of Jeannie" style.