Editorial: What the Hell is Wrong With David Cronenberg?
After two mafia flicks, I wondered what’s next for goo-great David Cronenberg. I got my answer: he’ll helm The Matarese Circle based on a Robert Ludlum (!) novel. And who might “star” in this film? Ironside? Irons? No. Tom Cruise and Denzel Washington.
Denzel fucking Washington.
Has David Cronenberg lost his fucking mind? Do I need to soak his signature off my Fangoria number 56? I really doubt there are any carnivorous vaginal parasites in this one either.
I blame myself. Maybe I did something to piss him off and he went, “Fuck horror, I’m going to direct Denny’s commercials.” Are you trying to fill Sydney Pollack’s shoes now that he’s dead? Will David Lynch be doing the new Tom Clancy film? And Tony Scott, guess he’ll be directing mutant-dick flicks from now on…
Horror to David: Baby come back. Cinema needs your icy stare and preoccupation with mutation, disease, and Julian Sands. While you're busy cozying up with Cruise, we remain abandoned in our quest to come up with new orifices to fuck in film.
Hell, even the Canadian government has shelled out some coin to accommodate cancer guns and crazed gynecologists. If that isn’t the life, what is anymore?
So go ahead and leave us if you don’t like us anymore, go hang out with your Ron Howards and Michael Bays. We’ll just mail your stuff back. It’s ok; it’s not you, it's me.
But don’t worry; we’ll take you back when you’re done with this “I’m a big boy director” phase. In the meantime “Long Live the New Flesh,” and that means you, Penny Marshall.
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