Hatchet Wounds: Ranking the Hatchet Trilogy by Best Kills
Mike Sprague
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Tuesday, February 6th, marks the release of writer-director Adam Green’s fourth entry in the Hatchet series with the reboot/sequel Victor Crowley on Blu-ray!
To celebrate we wanted to take a look back at the original trilogy of films including Hatchet, Hatchet II, and Hatchet III and count out the best kills.
But then I noticed that one of the entries sports a huge number of the series’ best and most brutal kills. And it surprised me. So what we’re going to do here today is expose which of the original Hatchet films sports the best kills.
Not that the other two entries don’t possess their own fair share of bloody good times (this is the Hatchet series after all), but one of the flicks stands above the rest – at least in the kills department.
So let’s take a look at the best kills from the original trilogy and find out which film owns the title of the “Best Kills in the Hatchet Series.”
Let’s get to it!
[NOTE: Kills are merely numbered in chronological order]
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Third Place:
The original Hatchet (2 Classic Kills)
Again, let it be stated right off the bat that I think (almost) every kill in the entire Hatchet series has been fucking awesome. Not dissing the other unmentioned kills from the films. Not my intention. Just highlighting the best of the best.
#1 Head torn in half
And let’s start with the kill that many consider being the best in the entire series – if not one of the best kills of all-time (other than the tent kill in Jason Goes to Hell).
Yes, let’s show some love to the death of Shannon Permatteo (Patrika Darbo) at the massive hands of Victor Crowley. Janet’s head being torn apart from the mouth to the back of the neck is something that I’m sure made even Adam Green cringe when he saw it onscreen.
Utter. Classic.
#2 Belt Sander
The other classic kill I’d like to highlight here today from the original film is poor Jenna meeting the wrong end of a gas-powered belt sander.
Not only is the kill one of the most creative I’ve seen (bet you didn’t expect a belt sander to end your kissing career while out in the middle of the woods huh, Jenna?) but the kill continues!
Yep. After Jenna’s (Joleigh Fioravanti) bottom jaw is all but removed from the history books by Victor and his toolbox, she is then slammed down upon a shovel handle with blood spraying in buckets.
Poor, Jenna.
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Runner-Up:
Hatchet III (4 Classic Kills)
I remember putting Hatchet III off for a while – meaning I didn’t watch it the day it came out. I was worried that without director Adam Green at the helm (even though he still wrote and produced) the film would lose all the charm of the first two entries.
Boy, was I wrong. In many ways, Hatchet III is the best of the series. From its slick 2:35 cinematography to its endless stream of kills, Hatchet III is the Aliens of this slasher-splatter series. And God bless it for that. The third entry in any horror series shouldn’t have been this solid.
Now let’s highlight the top four kills.
#1 The Victor Crowley Chainsaw Massacre
Okay, maybe this first one isn’t a “kill” per say. Don’t worry, if it makes you feel any better I spent way too much time debating on whether or not this should be labeled a “kill” or if it should be added as a “bonus” or something.
Obviously, I went with “Kill” in the end. Why? Because ghost or not, you get banana-splitted like that with a chainsaw, you’re not walking away from it!
Oh, wait…
#2 Defibrillator Head
This kill is one that I find positively delightful. A paramedic named Randy (Sean Whalen) is going about his business on a medical boat when Crowley creeps up and makes good use of the boat’s defibrillator.
When merely bleeding from the eyes, mouth, and ears isn’t enough for the killer ghost, he then turns up the heat so to speak and pops his victim one more time for good luck.
Brain explosion.
#3 Brain falls out
This kill was almost as standard (relatively speaking) as we have come to expect in a Hatchet flick. A startled police officer named Hamilton (Jason Trost) shutters at the base of a tree as Victor raises is trademark hatchet and swings it down with great vengeance and furious anger.
The cop’s head splits in half, top to bottom. I giggled, chalking the kill up to fun times. But then: the man’s brain falls out. Repeat, it falls out. It falls the f*ck out.
God bless, Hatchet III.
#4 Spinal Tap
Like the murder mentioned above, relatively speaking this kill wouldn’t have been much to write home about had it not possessed the added element of Derek Mears (Jason Voorhees from the 2009 reboot) getting the Predator treatment.
We’ve seen unfortunate souls get their skulls ripped out via their spines. Countless times. But we’ve never seen Kane Hodder rip the spine out of one of his Jason successors. And we may never see such a sight again.
Jason vs Jason.
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Winner:
Hatchet II (7 Fucking Classic Kills!)
And here we arrive at the winner, Hatchet II!
Personally, this surprised me as I was looking back at the original trilogy last week. I love the original film, and the third entry was one hell of a surprisingly badass time at the movies, but I always looked back on Hatchet II as kind of a boring affair. Sorry, but true. To be fair, the film takes an hour to get going. Literally. But once it does, my God, are the kills fantastic and non-stop!
After re-watching the films again back-to-back, as intended, this week, I would now place Hatchet II right there amongst the other entries for sure. I’ll just remember to fast-forward through the first hour next time (while making sure to pause for our main man Steve Barton’s cookie-cameo!).
Now let’s show the love for Hatchet II‘s 7 classic kills!
#1 Intestines Decapitation
If the title of this entry sounds like the title of a death metal song, that’s because it should be. And probably is. This kill – which in a fun bit of trivia takes out Friday the 13th Part VIII: The New Blood director John Carl Buechler – is one for the books.
Not only are guts pulled out. Not only is Jack Cracker strangled with said intestines. But the piss-drinkin’ yokel’s head then splatters around his cabin in the swamp like… well, like that one dude’s head from Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood‘s SHOULD HAVE splattered.
Boo, MPAA. Yay, Adam Green.
#2 Jaws
This is a kill that always seems to be forgotten or buried in other “Top Hatchet Kills” articles/videos I see. And I don’t understand it. Not only is this one of the grossest kills I’ve seen, but just the thought of someone pulling my jaw off makes me never want to talk (or scream) again. Just to be safe.
Bonus Points: The Hipster-Hatted Hunter who gets a mouthful of Crowley is played by Wrong Turn 2/Mayhem director, and Adam Green’s The Movie Crypt co-host, Joe Lynch.
#3 Face-Off
I love that this kill happens to Frozen star Shawn Ashmore. Somehow that makes it all the better. But add in the look on his face – even as it slides off – and Victor Crowley slicing off faces like he was a backwoods plastic surgeon keeps a smile on my face. I’m actually smiling ear to ear right this moment as I type this out.
Gotta love it.
#4 Hatchet Wound
Genre favorite A.J. Bowen as Layton is having some sexy-time with his gal pal, Avery (Alexis Peters), and gets more head than he expected. Waka, waka. Think that innuendo was bad? Just wait. I’m not going to make the obvious joke here, but having Victor Crowley wank-a-mole our blonde lady’s privates with his weapon of choice makes a well-known sexual slang far too literal and far too hilarious. Add in a bit of TNA and this kill is one of the best in any horror movie. Hatchet series or otherwise.
Bonus Points: Bowen keeps doing his thing after his head has been liberated from this neck. Oh, boy. Someone’s getting an e-mail.
#5 Chainsaw Built for Two
“Biscuits and chicken. And gravy. And biscuits and chicken and gravy. And chicken with the biscuits on the gravy with the biscuits and the chicken. Want some biscuits, for the biscuit, is me.”
#6 Table Stomp
Not only is this an awesome play on the world-famous “curb-stomp” from the classic American History X starring Edward Norton. But add in the fact that Victor treats non-other than Leatherface from Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part III (R.A. Mihailoff) to the said curb table stomping and this kill is one we’ll be showing our grandchildren one day. When they’re older, of course.
NOTE: Looks like DC boss Steve Barton from this angle.
#7 Skin Peel
Victor Crowley vs. Candyman!
It doesn’t get much better than witnessing Kane “Jason Voorhees” Hodder going toe-to-toe with Tony “Candyman” Todd. Oh, wait. It does! Hodder’s Victor Crowley proceeds to chop Candyman down like a big, black, gravel-voiced tree with his guts spilling one way and his torso falling the other way. Great shite! It really doesn’t get better than that.
Oh, wait. It totally does! Victor Crowley then stomps on the very-much-alive Tony Todd’s back, grabs his spine like the pull-start on a busted lawnmower, and then yank-f*cks the man’s torso right out of its skin!… And then he blinks. Jesus Christmas! Holy Jesus jumping Christmas sh*t!
Best kill from the Hatchet series. Hands down.
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And there you have it. Those are our picks for the best kills in the Hatchet series and Hatchet II is our pick for the film with the best kills.
Do you agree/disagree? Let us know below!
And don’t forget to buy Victor Crowley on Blu-ray Tuesday, February 6th.
Synopsis:
In 2007, over forty people were brutally torn to pieces in Louisiana’s Honey Island Swamp. Over the past decade, lone survivor Andrew Yong’s claims that local legend Victor Crowley was responsible for the horrific massacre have been met with great controversy; but when a twist of fate puts him back at the scene of the tragedy, Crowley is mistakenly resurrected and Yong must face the bloodthirsty ghost from his past.
Categorized:Editorials News
