Someone Please Entomb Lomel!

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Uli Lommel's The TombI would like to begin this write-up by re-posting the first paragraph from a story I wrote this past Friday about the July 3rd DVD release of uber hack Ulli Lommel’s forthcoming Mummy Maniac (read the whole thing here);

“By the time you finish reading this sentence I do believe Ulli Lommel will have made at least three new films. The man certainly is prolific. The no budget schlockmeister seems to keep churning out quickie movies that Lionsgate can’t release fast enough. I just recently reviewed his Diary of a Cannibal, a movie that I now rank amongst the worst direct-to-DVD movies I’ve ever had the displeasure of sitting through, and even though that one doesn’t even hit DVD shelves until April 24th, Lommel’s Curse of the Zodiac (which I also have a screener of – God help me) hits DVD shelves a few weeks later on May 15th. It looks like Lommel is going to give us a reprieve for June, but not to worry – you’ll only have to wait until July 3rd for him to strike (out) again.”

That part about Lommel giving us a reprieve for June… I now stand corrected.

Lionsgate will release The Tomb, yet another Ulli Lommel production, on June 19th. That will officially bring the total of Ulli Lommel movies released to DVD by Lionsgate to five in the span of just barely seven months thus far for 2007: The Raven, Diary of a Cannibal, Curse of the Zodiac, The Tomb, and Mummy Maniac. Having already sullied Edgar Allan Poe’s name for his first offering of ’07, this time the good name of H. P. Lovecraft gets dragged down with him. If it’s any consolation, H. P. Lovecraft is used to having his name associated with crappy movies.

As for Lommel’s no doubt masterful take on Lovecraft’s The Tomb:

“Based on a story by the master of outrageous horror, H. P. Lovecraft, this bloodcurdling film introduces the “Puppetmaster.” Imprisoning a group of people in a living hell of darkness and death the Puppetmaster controls the fate of each one. One by one, the captives awake in agonizing pain – some are slightly injured, others are fatally wounded. The survivors are also mentally tortured by the unseen villain, who demands that there can be only one winner at this game.”

Indeed, there can be only one winner at this game, and that winner is Ulli Lommel. If I may paraphrase Kent Brockman from “The Simpsons” episode where Homer became an astronaut, “One thing is for certain: There is no stopping him; Ulli Lommel will soon be here. And I for one welcome our new inept overlord. I’d like to remind him that as a trusted Internet personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in his underground sugar caves.”

The Foywonder

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Jon Condit

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