The Top 8 Dumbest Ideas in Horror History
Steve Barton
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The horror genre is riddled with ups and downs. Today, however, we’re here to poke an appropriate amount of fun at some of the lowest of the lows. Prepare yourself. This is gonna get ugly.
Hellraiser: Revelations in its Entirety
It’s widely known that Bob Weinstein wanted this movie made in order to hold on to the Hellraiser franchise rights so Hellraiser: Revelations came together in just a few days, and holy shit, does it show! In it we get a completely miscast Stephan Smith Collins as Pinhead instead of the great Doug Bradley, and believe me when I say this guy is as about as intimidating as a cosplayer who decided that his rendition of the classic character should be more on the cuddly side of the fence. To make matters worse, Collins looks as if Pinhead has spent a little too much time eating fast food. I can just see the prince of pain standing in line with Butterball at the nearest Taco Bell. Gary J. Tunnicliffe created the effects for this one so there is some good gore to speak of, but wow!
A special “WHAT THE FUCK“ nod has to go to whoever decided that every time someone touched the Lament Configuration, Pinhead would be jarred inside “I Dream of Jeannie” style. And then of course, let’s not forget the most incestuous soup-eating scene ever committed to film. They even forgot to include a spoon for this laugh-out-loud funny moment. Our hero slurped; Jesus wept. We did a little of both.
Jasonless Friday the 13ths
Even though I loved Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning, which technically had no Jason in it, I cannot stand when knuckle-headed filmmakers decide, “You know what would be be cool? Let’s make a movie about its main attraction and NOT have the main attraction in it.” Hey, dickheads… what do you think we’re paying to see this shit for? We don’t wanna see Jason’s “essence” body-jumping like The fucking Hidden! We came to see one of our favorite killer’s latest body count! This is especially insulting when you have Kane Hodder playing the character with a really unique design to work with. Five minutes of screen time? Really? And, oh yeah… don’t even get me started on the whole homo-erotic shaving thing again! Jason doesn’t groom! Thanks for the fuckery.
Psycho‘s Shot-for-Shot Remake
I haven’t the slightest idea what Gus Van Sant was thinking when he decided to make his update of Psycho a shot-for-shot retelling. We already had the original. Remakes really only work when they actually try to bring something new to the table. Something that reveres what came before it… Give us more of what we loved! In other words, give us more Psycho; don’t mimic it! “Bates Motel” runs circles around this. Now that I think of it, so does Psycho IV: The Beginning! Whoever’s idea this was needs to be kicked in the ass and shoved in the fruit cellar. For shame.
Having Africa as the Setting for Sequels to The Exorcist
Here’s the thing… Let’s look at the history of The Exorcist franchise…
The original – Awesome. Takes place in Washington.
Part 2 – Blows goats. Spends a lot of time in Africa.
Part 3 – Awesome. Takes place in Washington.
Both Part 4’s – Blow double the goats. Completely set in Africa.
Am I the only one who sees a pattern here? Is it that hard? Why? Of all the things to happen to Father Merrin… there was nothing significant to talk about other than his time in Africa? And furthermore… if you insist on the Africa setting, why can’t you at least deliver a movie that’s semi-watchable? Maybe Africa is the true curse of The Exorcist.
The Wolfman‘s CG Transformation
There’s no doubt about it; the creature in Universal’s 2010 The Wolfman is damned impressive, and that’s because makeup maestro Rick Baker was tasked with updating the look of the creature while at the same time staying true to the original design. It’s just too bad the powers-that-be decided to go with a CG transformation rather than let Baker pull off what could have been the new benchmark in werewolf transformations. I mean, why utilize your strongest asset when you can have a digital artist create yet another cartoonish transformation? Honestly? I’d rather have had another Jack Pierce style frame-by-frame transformation. Congrats, Uni! Make sure to put that Biggest Boneheaded Cinematic Move of 2010 Award in a safe place.
