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The King on the Big Screen

Given how damn unsettling a lot of those Burger King ads are, I think this may qualify as horror movie news. Who knows what evil lurks in the heart of the king?! Did you see what he did to the Jack-in-the-Box in that short film this past Halloween? The guy’s a sandwich-whoring maniac!

It was just a week ago that news broke about ABC ordering up a TV pilot based around the Geico “so easy even a caveman can do it” cavemen, and now an MSN.com story about that potential TV show reveals that Burger King is planning a motion picture based around its mascot, recently featured in a series of commercials that have straddled the fence between creepy and cool. Still, a movie? Based around a character that doesn’t speak and whose primary attribute is stalking people until they try the new breakfast sandwich?

“One of the most aggressive has been Burger King Holdings (BKC, news, msgs). The chain has focused over the last year on lifting the profile of its ‘king’ mascot, a mute character best known for his creepy smile. The burger baron recently starred in a series of video games, and the company says it has lined up a studio and distributor for a feature film.

Russ Klein, Burger King’s president of global marketing strategy, won’t reveal the studio’s identity or the likely plot. But he says the movie could appear as early as the end of this year, with the film aimed at ‘creating a back story for the king.'”

I think what Mr. Klein really meant to say was, “We won’t reveal the studio’s identity because they’re currently filled with shame.” Come on, people! The Burger King ads are funny in thirty-second spurts. Who in their right mind thinks they can sustain this for 90 minutes? Only way I could see this working is if they turn it into a Fatal Attraction-esque horror movie about a man being stalked and tormented by the Burger King that’s constantly trying to goad him and his family members into trying the new mega omelet Whopper. More than likely it’ll end up being some kiddy-fied claptrap that’ll make us all want to hurl. If nothing else, assuming this movie ever really comes about, we’re all but assured something all-time bad along the lines of that Garbage Pail Kids movie.

If this happens, then I immediately intend to begin work on that Kool-Aid Man screenplay I’ve been toying with in which Kool-Aid Man is reborn as a Punisher-style vigilante out to get the feuding mafia hitmen that killed some children as they were having fun on a sunny day enjoying a nice cool glass of Purplesaurus Rex. Now Kool-Aid Man dons a .44 Magnum and begin a wall-bursting crusade to eradicate the kid-killing mobsters. The full title is going to be: Kool-Aid Man in THE REFRESHER.

The Foywonder

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Jon Condit