Welcome To The Bad Moms Club: A Streaming Guide
Sharai Bohannon
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After watching Umma, I started thinking about all of the other questionable moms in the horror scape. There are so many questionable moms on TV these days, but specifically horror excels in the bad moms club. Because I was down this questionable mom rabbit hole, I figured I should share my findings. However, I needed it to be dramatic so I’m going to welcome these awful women to a very special club for bad moms. Read below to see who made this first round, and what landed them here, in the first streaming guide dedicated to characters that shouldn’t have had children.
The Brood
Nola Carveth, Played By Samantha Eggar
Where You Can Watch: HBOMax
We meet Nola in a fancy institution while she’s in the middle of a divorce and custody battle. You want to feel bad for her until you notice these little hellions in this movie are killing people that upset Nola. As you start to figure out she’s responsible for these devil gnome kids, she sends them to kidnap her daughter. This is where the movie goes way off the rails as her ex-husband shows up and she lifts her regulation cult dress to show that she is birthing these deadly kindergarteners. When you think it can’t get worse, she reminds you that this is a David Cronenberg film and adds a new definition to the phrase “throat goat.” She uses her damn teeth to get the new bundle of doom free (and guzzles her bloody fluids) while she makes it known that she will kill her daughter before letting her leave with her ex. It would be quicker for me to describe why Nola doesn’t belong on this list because the only answer is…I guess her commitment to sparkle motion. Everything about her parenting style is wrong, gross, or chaotic.
Flowers In The Attic (1987)
Mother, Played By Victoria Tennant
Where You Can Watch: Tubi
It doesn’t matter what version you watch, or what edition of the book you read, it’s a fucked up story. However, in addition to the incest, this title is known for its duo of bad moms running loose in this house. Mother and Grandmother (Louise Fletcher) are both responsible for locking these kids away in an attic. They also both conspire to murder them because they don’t fit the idealistic widow life Mother feels she has earned. So, while we mostly think of Mother, and she deserves to be dragged, let us not forget the accomplice who raised her. Back to Mother. The Momacity to lock four kids in your estranged mother’s attic while you start dating to find your next family to try on is peak mom-ster. Slowly poisoning them and pretending you don’t know why they’re sick as you make the occasional appearance is a whole new level of what the fuckery! Of all the ways to let your kids know that you don’t want them, this is the most dramatic.
Friday The 13th (1980)
Mrs. Voorhees, Played By Betsy Palmer
Where You Can Watch: Hulu and Paramount+
Mrs. Voorhees would rather kill random camp counselors than go to therapy. As a community, we don’t talk about that enough. As a Gemini who almost drowned at summer camp because the lifeguard was busy flirting, I understand wanting to get revenge. What I don’t get is how that escalates to murder. More importantly, murdering people who weren’t even at the camp the year it happened. This “If my son couldn’t enjoy his time at camp then no one else will” mentality is big boomer energy. I’m going to need Mrs. Voorhees to have a drink, put on an even looser knit sweater, and look at her choices. Surely, she’s heard the phrase, “work smarter, not harder,” before. Why do all of this extra work when you could be more direct in your revenge? This is also how you win audiences over because we love a woman with a to-do list we can follow. This would also give her time for hobbies like teaching her (maybe) dead son to swim seeing how he’s about to lead a franchise where he’ll become an unkillable adult.
Mama (2013)
Mama, Played By Javier Botet
Where You Can Watch: HBOMax
The critter in Mama failed while trying to kill her kid and then turned around to come back and kill someone else’s kids. I know the girls were already in danger when Mama found them because their dad was about to kill them. While I’d like to give her points for the save, she ruins it by trying to get them to jump off of a cliff with her near the end of the movie. She’s successful in getting the youngest one to go with her in what is the most unexpected turn of the film. This is not the way you want a mothering entity to succeed though. Let’s not forget Mama is a jealous being that makes one of the girls worry about what it’ll do if she gets too close to their new guardians. This is not a success story about finding a mothering figure after a tragedy. Nor is it the ideal situation for these two girls to find themselves in. However, it will help the uncle get custody because he’s looking mighty good compared to the murderous spirit that has a hold on his nieces.
Scream 2 (1998)
Mrs. Loomis, Played By Laurie Metcalf
Where You Can Watch: Paramount+
Mrs. Loomis decided to pick up where her son left off when it comes to ruining Sidney Prescott’s life. She raised the boy who started this never-ending game of “Duck, Duck, Ghostface” and shaped another young man as a sidekick for her killing spree. At no point did old raccoon eyes (half the budget went to this woman’s eyeliner) think she’d caused enough pain and suffering. Instead, she put on her church linen suits and went all Karen on Sidney and friends in a school theatre. Shooting this expensive lighting equipment is the biggest crime committed in this franchise. I hope the theatre department sued Mrs. Loomis’ family so fast that they ended up collecting from the fake Debbie Salt estate too. Take all of her personalities to court immediately. We can protect Sidney after we protect the work of these technicians being destroyed because Mrs. Loomis’ suits gave her the aim of a Storm Trooper.
The VVitch (2015)
Katherine, Played By Kate Dickie
Where You Can Watch: Showtime
I imagine things in the 1600s were bad enough with the lack of bathing, no entertainment, and everything else. This is why Katherine going out of her way to win “Worst Mom Ever” was so unnecessary. The way she bullied Thomasin the whole movie while treating her like an indentured servant makes me think this woman didn’t want kids. She was so awful that when she died I cheered. This mom is so bad that her daughter asked Black Phillip to help her sign her name (because she can’t read) in the book and the world said, “Good for her!” Not only does she blame Thomasin for her husband’s temper tantrums, not watching the four other kids she’s dragged out to the middle of nowhere, and not doing her chores, but she also has the momacity to want to send her away from the family. Like, anywhere else would be an improvement but it’s her tone when she tells her husband to send her away that sends me. This woman is evil in a bonnet which is why I giggle when the crow goes to town on her nips. I said what I said!
Let me know if you’re also seeking out questionable mothers at @misssharai.
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