Written and directed by Marcel Waltz
Distributed by Phase 4 Films
Seven years later and the sequel to Uwe Boll’s Seed that nobody asked for has finally arrived. Wisely not released as Seed 2 because, honestly, who the hell even remembers Seed? I can barely remember anything about it, and this is coming from someone who can still recount the events of House of the Dead in vivid detail.
Seed, huh? Lemme think. Serial killer Max Seed survives the electric chair and goes looking for revenge. Ralf Moeller. Michael Pare. A rather cringe-inducing scene involving a sledgehammer. I believe he took time out from mass murdering to jazzercise. Still not sure if I dreamed that last part. That’s about all I recall.
You don’t need to have seen Seed before going into Seed 2 because I’m not even sure writer-director Marcel Waltz has ever seen it. I am positive that Waltz has seen Texas Chain Saw Massacre and The Hills Have Eyes. Without the comparisons to those movies, his would have no discernible plot.
This time Uwe Boll merely presents Bloody Valley: Seed’s Revenge, a horror movie that is kind of like The Hangover except with Suicide Girls instead of funny actors and instead of wacky memory loss shenanigans a masked maniac shoots a gun in their vaginas and licks the blood off the barrel while his wife spouts quasi-religious claptrap that wouldn’t even make sense to an angry teenage stoner listening to German death metal.
Bachelorette party in Vegas. One girl has a dark past. Another is German. Another has lots of tattoos. Another is Christa Campbell. These are their only distinguishing characteristics. The movie will have already broken down long before their RV does in the desert.
They meet a mysterious hitchhiker. A cop seemingly comes to their rescue, only to reveal herself to be the barely lucid bride of masked mongoloid maniac and loud grunting enthusiast Max Seed. They also have a heavily tattooed son who is just kind of there. Don’t recall the Max Seed of the first film having a family, as if it matters.
Nearly every minute of The Hills Have Seeds‘ 76-minute run time is incoherent. Virtually no plot to speak of, gibberish dialogue you’ll wish they didn’t speak, long stretches of nothing happening, and most baffling of all, the film is edited in a non-linear fashion that only makes the experience even more tediously impenetrable. Maybe that was the point. Maybe the whole idea was to create a sadistic fever dream. Maybe the director was shooting for an avant-garde grindhouse vibe. The movie is most definitely a grind all right.
I’m watching this on VOD and wishing I had a DVD copy because I’d love to know if there’s a director’s commentary that consists of nothing but the filmmaker autistically shouting, “Brutal!” over and over. That seems to have been the core mentality and quite possibly the script’s one-word logline. Even the giant-sized fonts of the opening credits scream, “Look how brutal I am!”
But it’s not.
Amazing how a slasher movie promises nothing more than sexy women and brutal murders and still manages to botch the formula. A scene of a woman getting crucified to the ground is so painstakingly drawn out and ineffectively edited that the brutal nature of the act only elicits more yawns. The only nudity occurs in a brief, bewildering sequence where a never-before-seen, never-explained naked woman is shown crawling about the desert just long enough to get killed by Seed. Maybe I was confused by the editing, but that random nude kill appeared to have been edited smack dab in the middle of one of those non-linear sequences.
Bloody Valley: Seed’s Revenge has only one positive going for it. Nick Principe, he of “Chromeskull” fame in the Laid to Rest movies, makes for a menacing figure and probably could have really made something out of the Max Seed role if anyone involved had been interested in making an actual movie and not whatever the hell this unwatchable crap is.
It’s easily the worst movie I have suffered through all year, and I am not just talking about the horror genre.