Extraterrestrial (2014)
Matt Boiselle
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Starring Brittany Allen, Freddie Stroma, Jesse Moss, Melanie Papalia, Gil Bellows, Michael Ironside
Directed by Colin Minihan
Distributed by IFC Midnight
Young lads heading into the woods for a sabbatical at a cabin are picked off one by one by aliens from outer space… Sorry, I hope I didn’t give anything away there, but then again with Extraterrestrial, the latest alien-abduction film from director Colin Minihan, I just don’t have that much more of a descriptive mile-marker to worth with.
Much like MANY of its predecessors, the film starts off with a terrified woman who is being chased down by an unidentified pursuer. (You thought I was gonna say “object,” didn’t you?) After being turned away at a closed down roadside business, she manages to find one of the only remaining phone booths left on our beloved Planet Earth, and after the see-through talkie-box is obliterated, we realize that there may be something much bigger at stake here.
The introduction to our characters begins as hum-drum as the individuals themselves: our main happy couple, April (Brittany Allen) and Kyle (Freddie Stroma) are making the trip to the doomed deckhouse for some contented alone time – STOP. However, good old Kyle thought it would be a novel idea to add a few bodies… um, sorry… friends to the mix, and believe me when I tell you, you’ll be counting on all applicable fingers and toes until every one of their demises are complete. The group borders on unwatchable at times, especially April (who is a less-than-latent malcontent) and Seth (Jesse Moss), the guy whom, if you encountered him at a party, you’d be inclined to drop-kick in the voice-box.
As the partiers arrive at their fortress of finitude to begin their hedonistic marathon of activity, they are immediately questioned as to their identities by Travis (Michael Ironside in a completely inane performance), a burned out, yet completely paranoid Vietnam vet who claims to have the all-knowing information as to why the government has never dealt with the alien problem in this country (not the illegal one, for those who are asking). His rambling, fatuous actions are a far cry from his memorable Scanners days, that’s for sure.
So as fate would have it, the aliens from outer space come calling, and when they do, they make A LOT of noise – and for a movie that is derivative and lacking on so many fronts, this actually was one of the few bright spots – a blazing red light descends from the sky, followed by an ear-piercing siren of sorts that would be enough to drop a circus elephant, whereafter the hapless victim at the time is plucked from the ground at hyper-speed and whisked away to the spacecraft that LOVES to probe (yes, Virginia, there is an anal probe).
The group’s actions are made of just the correct amount of stupidity and pointless rationale that you’d find in nearly any horror film that simply wants to set out and slaughter a nonfunctional cast. Sadly, the good news must end here, as I’d had serious hope for The Vicious Brothers (directors of Grave Encounters) to blow me away with a fresh take on the alien-abduction setup and delivery, and I’d love to offer more on this less-than-desirable way to spend 106 minutes, but I’m waiting for Scotty and the boys to beam me up, or out, or anywhere far, far away from this lunar fiasco.
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Film
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