Welcome to HorrorScopes, a new Dread Central weekly feature devoted to helping you navigate the scariest challenges of everyday life. My name is Kristal Lake, I am a renowned astrologist based in the woods near the great Standing Stone. I’ve been acquired by the powers that be to help you map out your week with honest —and sometimes scary— advice.
A word of caution from this contributor: do not seek what thou cannot understand. The veil between this world and the next is thin and sticky, so I’d like to keep as many readers safe from the Sleeping Darkness as possible. I’m sure there will be a few casualties, but that’s to be expected.
Are you ready to get a head start on your life? Tired of waiting around for the universe to make the decisions for you? No more. Today you take the goat by the horns, you stare into its eyes and you mutter: Shub-Niggurath. Let’s begin.
Here are your HorrorScopes for September 10th – 17th:
Dying in a fiery blaze isn’t what we picture for ourselves in the end. I think you’re going to make the best of things. You’re the type who always does. Just don’t allow your need to be the leader to stop you from getting some rest. Is it maybe time for a little vacation? Someplace hot.
You either get into the school spirit, or the school spirit gets into you. If it’s easier to avoid everyone and continue existing in isolation, I’m not here to judge that. Just keep your eyes on the window. You might find yourself a surprise. Love seems likely for you this month. Not new love. Ancient love. A terrible love that’s been sleeping for centuries. Much longer than you’ve been awake.
Take your best friend’s advice seriously this week. She tends to know what she’s talking about. However, I would watch out for a few of your subscribers. They don’t always have the best intentions. It’s not your friends who need to be worried about right now, but keep your eye on them, too. Especially your sister.
There’s someone new causing problems nearby. At first glance, they may seem destructive and ill-meaning, but look closer. They might just be hungry. Make them lunch or go to McDonald’s together. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised by the results. I’d steer clear from beaches and sewage entrances this month. Just to stay on the safe side.
You can’t distract yourself at all times. At some point, you’ll have to make peace with the silence. It seems scary, but you’ll start to get used to it in no time at all. That’s when you’ve got to keep your wits about you. It’s in the silence where you’re at your most vulnerable. It’s then when she can hear you the best. Wear socks and tip-toe through the house. No sudden moves. Be careful. She’s listening.
There’s a place and time for complacency. But it’s not today. Allow your impulse to serve justice rise to the surface. You’ve made the world a better place ever since you invaded it, why stop now? We need your protection, and we depend on your sword. Take the risk of doing what’s right. It will serve you well this week.
Part of you is missing. Is it a physical part? Has someone lopped off your thumb or your tongue? Possibly. Or, in a more likely scenario, is it a figurative part that’s been misplaced? A family member, or a friend? Maybe a job? If you’ve lost something recently, don’t give up hope. If you get to urgent care quickly enough, there’s a good chance they’ll be able to sew it back on.
Not you again. I thought I told you, there’s no reason for you to come here. I can’t help you and you know that. If you’re just intending to waste my time, that’s one thing. I can work around that. But if your objective is to drive me mad until I take my shoes off and walk into a lake, reconsider. I’ve got this new writing gig and I’ve got a lot to live for right now. Please be compassionate. There are so many other innocent souls to collect. Please spare mine.
Patience is king. It can mean the difference between life and death if you’re in the wrong predicament. And, the wrong predicament is just around the corner, sorry to say. Don’t blow up on the people you love. Try to stay calm and focused. It’s the only way any of you will ever reach the shore. While sharks are generally friendly, there are still a few hungry enough to cause problems. Don’t be fish food. Try to relax.
Summer is over. It’ll be easier for you if you get over it now.
Have you heard of Swimply? It’s kind of like Airbnb, but it’s for pools. It could be useful if you start to itch or shed. There’s been plenty of rain this summer, but you and I both know you don’t always take advantage or pre-plan. The best way to keep wet is a bath, a pool, or even a dip in the lake. Keep your health at the forefront of your properties. Self-care is key this week.
If your sex life is leaving something to be desired, you’re not helpless. It’s about communication with your partner. They’re just as weird about asking for change as you are. Maybe you’ll be pleasantly surprised by their willingness to try new things. If that doesn’t work you can set fire to your bed while they’re out at work. That way no one gets hurt, but the house and the bed will be gone and you’ll have to leave the country. Adventure is on the horizon, either way.
If you’re not happy with your reading this week, don’t blame the messenger. Keep your wits about you this week. Lots of opportunity for love and danger. Keep your eyes to the sky and your ear to the ground. That way you’ll be well-prepared for the arrival of Shub-Niggurath. Don’t think her name, don’t write it down.
I’ll be here for you again soon to help navigate your fearful weeks.
Lastly, what did you think of this week’s Dread Central Horrorscopes? Let me know via Dread’s social media channels.