Chopping Maul! Child Hurt by Mall Robot! Rise of the Machines OFFICIALLY BEGINS!
CAPTAIN CRITIC
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I don’t normally write news, but if I did… I WOULD BE THE BEST DAMNED JOURNALIST THE WORLD HAS EVER KNOWN, LEAVING THE LIKES OF WOLF BLITZER AND BILL O’REILLY QUAKING IN THEIR ADULT DIAPERS AT THE MERE THOUGHT OF LOSING THEIR JOBS TO THE VERBAL ADONIS THAT IS ME!
It seemed like a normal summer day for a woman and her 16-month-old boy at a mall in Palo Alto, California, UNTIL A MENACING MAN-MADE MAYHEM-INDUCING STEAMROLLER OF SECURITY CIRCUITRY GONE AWRY BOWLED OVER THE SMALL CHILD AS IF HE WERE HIT BY A STREAM OF URINE JETTISONED FORTH FROM THE PENILE WONDER OF THE ISLAND-DWELLING KAIJU KING KONG AFTER SUCKLING A MONTH’S WORTH OF RED-NARCOTIC BERRY JUICE FROM THE TEAT OF KING CAESAR HIMSELF!
Thankfully, the child is okay, but is this an unfortunate accident OR THE FIRST STEP IN WORLD DOMINATION?!?
THE HORROR UNFOLDED ON TWITTER…
16 mo old has injuries to leg, foot after @StanfordShop security robot knocks him down and runs him over. #paloalto pic.twitter.com/tJdDNeFJq1
— Lilian Kim (@liliankim7) July 12, 2016
Parents say 300lb security robot @StanfordShop knocks over their son and runs over his foot. pic.twitter.com/5IZ4oOkkNi
— Lilian Kim (@liliankim7) July 12, 2016
Dubbed The Knightscope K5, this machine is nothing more than 300 POUNDS OF SENTIENT CHILD-FLATTENING FURY THAT WILL BRING HUMANITY TO ITS KNEES IN A NERVE-JANGLING DISPLAY OF TECHNOLOGICAL TERROR!
WAKE UP, PEOPLE! THE SIGNS ARE ALL AROUND US! THIS IS THE END! MEET ME AT THE BACK OF A BLUE BUS!
Categorized:News
