Vortex, The: Gate to Armageddon (2014)
Foywonder
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Starring Jack Plotnick, Sarah Lieving, Ted Jonas, Camden Toy, Eve Maruo
Directed by Peter Paul Basler
Stumbling upon The Vortex: Gate to Armageddon on VOD, I was amazed that something that looked tailor-made for Syfy had somehow completely flown under my radar. Despite boasting production values and digital effects more along the lines of those seen in the films the network used to premiere back when they were still called the Sci-Fi Channel, it’s been so long since I’ve seen a film with giant scorpions, the creature feature fan in me decided to give this one a look-see.
One thing I did not expect from the preview I watched was that this low budget flick about soldiers battling giant bugs mutated by a portal to another dimension would turn out to be an intentional comedy. Such an apocalyptic, serious-sounding title for a movie that could have just as easily been called Gilligan’s Stargate.
A government-funded mad scientist (thanks, Obama!) has discovered a wormhole to another dimension within a cave in the Middle East. Islamo-fascist soldiers prove to be the least of an American platoon’s worries when a giant scorpion emerges from the cave, killing them all. A Special OPS team is then given the assignment of finding out what exactly happened and why. This leads to them battling giant scorpions, giant spiders, giant wasps, a stampeding swarm of smaller mutant spiders, Islamic insurgents, and a Bruce Dern look-a-like madman with megalomaniacal metaphysical machinations on his mind.
That’s the great thing about absolute otherworldly power. You may not fully understand it or how to control it, but that’s not going to stop you from wanting to use it to make yourself a god amongst men.
Given how crystals from this vortex have begun supersizing local wildlife (i.e., spiders, scorpions, wasps), you would think when humans come into contact with these crystals, it would transform them into giant Attack on Titan colossuses, right? Wrong. Human contact with the crystals turns men into giant snakes. Giant fire-breathing snakes. Giant fire-breathing snakes that can talk. Damned if I know why or if even the filmmakers have any reason why either. Maybe they just wanted to pay loving tribute to Dragon Wars?
Often times when one compares a motion picture’s computer effects to that of a video game, he’s actually comparing it to Xbox or PlayStation graphics. In this case they’re more along the lines of a Wii game. This will prove instantly off-putting to many viewers. I felt the digital effects had a hokey charm to them made somewhat acceptable once the film established itself as a straight-up comedy. If we were meant to take this all seriously, then the special effects alone would have killed the movie dead. There’s a kill involving a giant wasp with two soldiers in its pincers that wouldn’t have been nearly as entertaining if it boasted top-notch f/x work. And you’ll be amazed at the size of the flame that shoots out of a mere aerosol can.
Before setting out on their mission, the military forcibly recruits a specialist in the field of pseudo-science mumbo jumbo. Enter Dr. Marx, a snarky goofball science geek who just happens to be a former pupil of the mad scientist seeking to harness the power of interdimensional insect-mutating energy for his nefarious world-conquering means. But more importantly, Marx also happens to be the ex-husband of mission leader Commander Deckert.
Talk about a case of opposites attract. She’s a beautiful statuesque soldier with a humorless personality, and he’s a brilliant but bumbling smartass only slightly less dorky than Eddie Deezan. The sex must have been amazing. Or not, since they are divorced. Deckert is now engaged to easily excitable squad leader Lt. Raiger, a most fitting name given his personality, though he’s not really a violent rage-a-holic; more like how some guys get bent out of shape watching their favorite sports team blow a big play. Don’t really understand her attraction to him either. Talk about a Bermuda love triangle.
Raiger continuously makes a big deal about how Marx is always firing off smartass zingers. Not sure why this irks him so since his entire squad consists of almost nothing but smart aleck quipsters. Even when they’re engaged in hand-to-hand combat against terrorists or fighting for their lives against behemoth bugs, you can count on the brave men and women of Comic Relief Team 6 to spout off one-liners in the heat of battle.
There wasn’t a single line I found to be particularly laughable, but given how many similar films of this genre I’ve slogged through where cookie-cutter characters endlessly spout off tiresome protocol, jargon, and mundane/inane dialogue, I’m okay with characters one-dimensional as they may be actually saying things that were meant to be funny on purpose.
Though the film is, to be polite, 100% piffle, I still have to give everyone involved credit for at least trying. If you’re a fan of cheesy b-movies movies, you might also want to give the The Vortex a try.
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Film
Categorized:Reviews
