Starring Dieter Laser, Laurence R. Harvey, Bree Olson, Eric Roberts, Robert LaSardo
Directed by Tom Six
In case you don’t know (or if you’ve effectively erased it from your memory), the human centipede is the creation of a mad doctor who surgically connected a row of people from mouth-to-tush in order to punish them. The first movie was pretty straightforward, while the second was tongue-in-cheek (so to speak). Part three takes it penal (to the penitentiary) as one whack warden creates the world’s longest and most disgusting chain-gang. The films are all written and helmed by Dutch director Tom Six.
The sick scene is set in the fictional George H. W. Bush Prison, presided over by the insane and inhuman Warden Bill Boss (Dieter Laser, who appeared in The Human Centipede). He’s a bald and brutal top-of-the-lungs yeller who’s basically the bastard hate-child of Colonel Kurtz and Gunnery Sergeant Hartman with just a touch of Dr. Frankenstein thrown in for bad measure. He lords over the prisoners with his sadistic iron fist, watching over them from his ivory tower office where he employs Daisy, his perpetually sexually-harassed secretary (Bree Olson), and a nebbish, overweight and overworked accountant dubbed Dwight (Laurence R. Harvey, who appeared in The Human Centipede 2). Director Tom Six makes a cameo as himself, and Eric Roberts and Robert LaSardo also appear (why, I don’t know… unless their salaries were off the charts or they were being blackmailed).
Aside from Laser walking around shouting the entire time (as if being loud is the only way to convey emotion) while just generally being a sleazy person, there’s zero to see here. The whole affair comes off as lazy and offensive, if for no other reason than to try to be offensive. I guess his yelling did at least keep me awake. Once things do start going all ass-to-mouth, The Human Centipede 3 dishes us the usual gross-out fest that is unfortunately too little too late.
It’s hard to stand out as a filmmaker these days, and to come up with a totally original idea is even more of a feat. Like it or not, bad publicity is better than none, or so they say. Surely Six subscribes to this view, as he’s milked this one-note phenomenon for all it’s worth, putting his every waking hour since 2009 into The Human Centipede franchise. Each installment has proven popular, so he’s not bothered to even try to tackle any other subject matter. I’m not sure if that says more about shock-merchant Six or the movie-watching public. Either way, it’s a bit sad for those of us who lean toward the higher brow – entertainment worthy of our love comes few and far between. And let’s just say: I didn’t love The Human Centipede 3: The Final Sequence.
Perhaps even more egregious than its inherently repulsive premise is the fact that The Human Centipede 3: The Final Sequence is cinematically constipated… nothing happens for a long, long time; and when it does, it’s just crap.