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Editorial: What the Hell is Wrong With David Cronenberg?





David Cronenberg talks a return to horrorAfter two mafia flicks, I wondered what’s next for goo-great David Cronenberg. I got my answer: he’ll helm The Matarese Circle based on a Robert Ludlum (!) novel. And who might “star” in this film? Ironside? Irons? No. Tom Cruise and Denzel Washington.

Denzel fucking Washington.

Has David Cronenberg lost his fucking mind? Do I need to soak his signature off my Fangoria number 56? I really doubt there are any carnivorous vaginal parasites in this one either.

I blame myself. Maybe I did something to piss him off and he went, “Fuck horror, I’m going to direct Denny’s commercials.” Are you trying to fill Sydney Pollack’s shoes now that he’s dead? Will David Lynch be doing the new Tom Clancy film? And Tony Scott, guess he’ll be directing mutant-dick flicks from now on…

Horror to David: Baby come back. Cinema needs your icy stare and preoccupation with mutation, disease, and Julian Sands. While you're busy cozying up with Cruise, we remain abandoned in our quest to come up with new orifices to fuck in film.

Hell, even the Canadian government has shelled out some coin to accommodate cancer guns and crazed gynecologists. If that isn’t the life, what is anymore?

So go ahead and leave us if you don’t like us anymore, go hang out with your Ron Howards and Michael Bays. We’ll just mail your stuff back. It’s ok; it’s not you, it's me.

But don’t worry; we’ll take you back when you’re done with this “I’m a big boy director” phase. In the meantime “Long Live the New Flesh,” and that means you, Penny Marshall.

- Heather Buckley

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Didn't See It Coming's picture

First of all, why wouldn't they post something damning the man if it's in the pretense of an "editorial"?...Secondly, I never thought it was particularly damning, but rather an irrational rant from another horror fan who feels that directors and writers "belong to them" in a manner of speaking. I don't know you at all, but I've seen so many of these types of rants that I decided to comment on the absurdity of what was written.


Submitted by Didn't See It Coming on Thu, 02/19/2009 - 11:43pm.
Heather Buckley's picture

In that it seems no one knows me or anyone else at DC it is best to react with such venom. Your post was not that bad. I still stand by taking it down. Irrational? How about it was nonsense and absurd, it did reference both Denny's AND Penny Marshall director or "League of Their Own." And right now a ref. "League of Their Own" is being posted on a horror site.

If you need to know me I do the interviews around here (Mears being my most recent), and write about beloved horror directors that are no longer with us (most recently Ray Dennis Steckler). Maybe you should search out my name and read my work or better yet visit the DC table at East Coast shows or maybe even EMAIL me and GO WTF. And I'll go look at the glasses bud, I made my dad take me to see Naked Lunch in the theater. MY DAD. O_o


Submitted by Heather Buckley on Fri, 02/20/2009 - 1:07am.
RingoJ's picture

I'm just glad that you amused me.


Submitted by RingoJ on Thu, 02/19/2009 - 11:21pm.
Heather Buckley's picture

See. Ringo was amused. ((hugs Ringo)) Other things to be amused about is not only does Canada fund David's crazy films, but ALSO funded Happy Birthday to Me and Meatballs. These are the fun facts you don't find under the bottle caps of Snapple bottles people.

http://www.inbaseline.com/company.aspx?company_id=2029968


Submitted by Heather Buckley on Thu, 02/19/2009 - 11:45pm.
Gus Bjork's picture

Canadians are also wacked. No offense, I love the Canadians and spend a lot of time there. But you are batshit insane and also I believe you're quite proud of that.


Submitted by Gus Bjork on Thu, 02/19/2009 - 11:50pm.
Heather Buckley's picture

Dread Central only hires people from Arkham Asylum anyway. Also my mint Fangoria's in red FANTACO slipcases speak of my insanity. Just ask NOMAD he has seen them in person.


Submitted by Heather Buckley on Thu, 02/19/2009 - 11:59pm.
hellbilly_drp's picture

Lucky, Lucky, Bastard!


Submitted by hellbilly_drp on Fri, 02/20/2009 - 10:06am.
Heather Buckley's picture

I got the slipcases in the 90s directly from FANTACO. I was lucky enough to find a seller on email in Chicago to get 4 more. They are like gold. Same with my Cinefantastique binder.


Submitted by Heather Buckley on Fri, 02/20/2009 - 10:10am.
hellbilly_drp's picture

Actually, I was talking about Nomad >;-)

... But I'm envious of your collection too. All my Fangos and Rue Morgues are just bagged and boarded in white magazine boxes. Boring, boring, boring!


Submitted by hellbilly_drp on Fri, 02/20/2009 - 10:35am.
Heather Buckley's picture

Yes Nomad is lucky to know me. :P teehee. My dream is to fill out the front of my Fangos. I will marry the man that gets me a number 9 in VG+.


Submitted by Heather Buckley on Fri, 02/20/2009 - 11:12am.
hellbilly_drp's picture

Would there be joint custody of lil' #9 in the event of a divorce? I need to check out eBay, this could work out cheaper and more interesting (in a gore geek kind of way)than that Russian internet Bride I've been considering. I mean how many times can ya watch Night Watch, already!


Submitted by hellbilly_drp on Fri, 02/20/2009 - 3:43pm.
Kyle Reese's picture

Wow. What a repugnant "article".

Come on guys, you shouldn't post things this juvenile. I'm all for strong opinions, but reading that was embarrassing.


Submitted by Kyle Reese on Thu, 02/19/2009 - 10:21pm.

I just wanted to thank this ungrateful but so adorably candid teenie-bopper for opening my eyes with her insouciant snark: What can I say? I was blinded by my love for the showbiz life. Ever since Heart Condition, I'd been looking for a project to do with Denzel; and Tom and I have been developing a feature film of Manimal for some time now, so I figured, what the hey?

Tomorrow's Variety will reveal my announcement that I am withdrawing from The Matarese Circle (which shall instead be directed by the highly capable Philip Noyce) in favor of a personal project that shall return me to my classical auteurist path:

It's called The Surgery Liturgies:

All characters shall be portrayed by a new form of puppetry developed by the geniuses of KNB.

The puppets in question represent a bold innovation in "FX" technology: while I shall save some of the magic for the inevitable Cinefex article and DVD commentaries, I will reveal that all of the main characters shall be portrayed by exposed stumps of amputees and, in one case, a highly expressive neck goiter--all with faces painted on them (seriously, you'd SWEAR they was peoples!) Oh, and full frontal Michael Ironside. (With a special IMAX sequence of him eating corn on the cob!)

The story is my own blending of the later short stories of JG Ballard, Nabokov's "Pale Fire", and a history of the invention of the I.U.D. that I read on a series of sugar packets.

That said, I must thank the passionate, passionate voices that have risen here in my much-needed defense (kudos to you on your sense of humor and sense of proportion, my friends, kudos to you!)

And to the purveyors of DreadCentral (which is second only to preciousmoments.com in my most visited Bookmarks):

Please don't ever, ever, ever publish this sort of hateful, humorless screed again--It ill serves your legacy of high-minded criticism (perhaps best exemplified by Susan Sontag's much-anthologized meditation on Howling III: The Marsupials). Noone comes to a horror movie site for frivolity, after all.

P.S. Coming in 2012: David Cronenberg's Legally Blonde 3: The Blonde Leading The Blonde (Guess who's a judge now? That's right, and now that she wields the gavel, the legal system won't know what hit it!)

That's right! I AM KING OF THE A-LIST! KIIIIIINNNGGG!


Submitted by David Cronenberg on Thu, 02/19/2009 - 9:47pm.
Sirand's picture

Now THAT was funny!


Submitted by Sirand on Thu, 02/19/2009 - 10:12pm.
Aghora Eats Kittens's picture

One can only explore the same subject material for so long before losing your voice. The man has moved on and has found other things that interest him. Let him be, his skill as a director has not lessened.
www.myspace.com/mesqua
www.reverbnation.com/stevenguerrero


Submitted by Aghora Eats Kittens on Thu, 02/19/2009 - 9:33pm.
Didn't See It Coming's picture

I agree with Franco because it doesn't even come off as an editorial. At least not one worth reading.


Submitted by Didn't See It Coming on Thu, 02/19/2009 - 9:33pm.
Sirand's picture

This "editorial" also failed to note that Cronenberg just directed The Fly Opera...


Submitted by Sirand on Thu, 02/19/2009 - 9:20pm.
Foywonder's picture

Uwe Boll's next movie is not a horror movie but a serious drama about the genocide in Sudan starring Edward Furlong. I am going to write an editorial titled "What the Hell is Wrong with Uwe Boll?" It will be 10,000 pages long after I lose track of my original point and just begin talking about his career in general.


Submitted by Foywonder on Thu, 02/19/2009 - 9:15pm.
traumahound00's picture

Who...effing...cares?

If Cronenberg doesn't wanna do horror flicks right now, he doesn't have to! A History of Violence and Eastern Promises are FANTASTIC movies, and if you can't look past the fact that they're not horror, then you're an idiot.

Christ, DC is full of whiny bitches.


Submitted by traumahound00 on Thu, 02/19/2009 - 7:35pm.
Chainsaw's picture

Hey, man's got to eat and create. I wish him the best. I hope he'll do another horror film sometime, but let him spread his wings and try some new stuff, Heather. Maybe it's just the reflection of age, he's looking to do stuff that's as complex as stuff like Videodrome and Shivers, and not have to worry about the headaches involved with studios saying, "well, it's a horror movie, but this is too fucking dense for the kids to spend money on it opening weekend. It's not going to make shit, and there's no way we can get it PG-13. We're going to pass." Ask Clive Barker if shit like that happens these days.

Hey, if this was the worse crime he's ever committed, he's not doing too bad. Remember, he was in Jason X.


Submitted by Chainsaw on Thu, 02/19/2009 - 6:38pm.
OthelloNYC's picture

I don't see how you all could feel this way. Cronenberg has obviously torn her heart from her chest and literally fed it to her through her ass. Though she DOES fail to understand the most important threat to cinema: TOM CRUISE. TOM FUCKING CRUISE! Has Cronenberg converted to Scientology? Can we tell? Are we in trouble? Will his next movie be a non shitty remake of Battlefield Earth? I think these are questions we TRULY need to ask!!!


Submitted by OthelloNYC on Thu, 02/19/2009 - 6:18pm.
PelusaMG's picture

As a very frequent visitor to DC, I would prefer not to see this sort of article on the site... This is more like the rantings of a teenage know-nothing blogger, than a respected seasoned horror "know-all".


Submitted by PelusaMG on Thu, 02/19/2009 - 4:22pm.
Gus Bjork's picture

I like how it angrys up everyones blood and gets them chatting. I say we need more!


Submitted by Gus Bjork on Thu, 02/19/2009 - 8:29pm.
Ultimo Franco's picture

Yeah, we need more dumb shit posted under the banner of "Editoral."


Submitted by Ultimo Franco on Thu, 02/19/2009 - 8:42pm.
Gus Bjork's picture

Sure. It's fun. If I would be critical it would be that it shouldn't be considered or labeled an editorial not at the piece itself (which I disagree with as much as most people). Besides as I write this there is a user named David Cronenberg online. Now we're in for the business. *gulp*


Submitted by Gus Bjork on Thu, 02/19/2009 - 9:15pm.
Gus Bjork's picture

See, it's like a who's who on DC all going at it here. I think that's neat.


Submitted by Gus Bjork on Thu, 02/19/2009 - 11:25pm.
moderator I didn't interpret this
Debi Moore's picture

I didn't interpret this piece as simply a rant against Cronenberg for doing things other than horror but more a plea for him to return to the genre at least once in a while to help counteract all the crap we've been forced to stomach lately. I absolutely loved Eastern Promises and feel filmdom would have definitely suffered had it not been made. But that doesn't mean I want Cronenberg to stay within that realm at all times. His ability to branch out and constantly stretch his wings is among the most impressive of all our modern directors.


Submitted by Debi Moore on Thu, 02/19/2009 - 4:07pm.
Ultimo Franco's picture

What??? You don't "interpret" this story as simply a rant against Cronenberg doing things other than horror? Maybe you missed the following line: "Has David Cronenberg lost his fucking mind? Do I need to soak his signature off my Fangoria number 56?"

Since when is suggesting that someone has "lost their fucking mind" a "plea" for anything? WIB, I know you're just trying to defend your dopey writer, but why bother???

That line needs no "interpretation." None at all. Instead of interpreting, how about you just READ it. It's not that challenging of an essay. It's Ranting-101. It's full of useless snarky insights like "Maybe I did something to piss him off and he went, "Fuck horror, I’m going to direct Denny’s commercials."" The writer goes out of her way to repeatedly insult the man. That crap about his "big boy director phase" was insulting and ignorant.

This "piece" for the site was atrocious. Pure empty-headed nonsense. It belongs on a lesser site, not DC. Here's another gem: "So go ahead and leave us if you don’t like us anymore, go hang out with your Ron Howards and Michael Bays. We’ll just mail your stuff back." I suggest that Heather mail her "stuff" back if she's so pissed. The rest of us will keep ours, thanks very much. We'll continue to enjoy Cronenberg's intense, intelligent films as long as he continues to make them.


Submitted by Ultimo Franco on Thu, 02/19/2009 - 8:37pm.
moderator I'm not defending anyone.
Debi Moore's picture

I'm not defending anyone. I'm pretty sure Heather can take care of herself. I just happen to know her and appreciate her sense of humor, which is obviously lacking around here (i.e., the comment she posted along with the article on her Facebook page, which said "Enjoy the humor. David is still my number 1.").


Submitted by Debi Moore on Thu, 02/19/2009 - 9:03pm.

It's not like he's making a movie that's ANYTHING like anything he's made before...he's making something completely different... What realm has he been in that he's staying?


Submitted by G.D. on Thu, 02/19/2009 - 6:00pm.

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