When I was a child in 1979, I saw Laserblast in a drive-in movie theater with my dad and his girlfriend, who were both tripping on acid. This had the rather interesting effect of bringing them both “down to my level” so to speak, and the night was wild and crazy, full of weird aliens, strange transformations and . . . well, laserblasting. Today on Retro 13 I’m paying tribute to that classic sci-fi creature feature by trotting out the sequel that never was: Son of Laserblast. Scroll down to the end of this article to see my swell new poster, based on the film.
Let me be clear: There was never a film called Son of Laserblast. But today’s Retro 13 celebrates this unseen follow-up which exists only in my demented imagination, reprising the best elements of the original.
And speaking of the original. Ahem. Laserblast is a notorious valentine to schlock lovers everywhere, thrown together on a wing and a prayer by legendary B-producer Charles Band, and eventually immortalized nearly 20 years later on “Mystery Science Theatre 3000”. In fact, that particular episode of “MST3K” is very, very special for many reasons. It was the last “true” episode of the show, at the end of it’s much celebrated run at Comedy Central. It was the last episode to feature Trace Beaulieu as Doctor Clayton Forester. And, if you are a true fan of the show, it is, minute for minute the funniest, most heartwarming episode they produced. (It even has the “beyond Thunderdome” sketch!) Plus, they were showing freakin’ Laserblast. It’s one of the rarest alignment of disparate, meaningful elements in all of TV history, and remains my absolute favorite Mistie of all time. Please seek it out. It’s on the Shout! Factory 20th anniversary set.
The film itself is truly amazing, sporting some terrific home-spun special effects work from immortal stop-motion animator Dave Allen, who would later work with Band on many films, including the equally notorious Robot Jox. The awesome “Low-tek” synth score by Richard Band and Joel Goldsmith is worthy of note as the starting point of those two composers, who went on to great success as some of the genre’s favorite sons in music. And if you need even MORE legendary, well look no further than the cast, which includes Roddy McDowall, Eddie Deezen, Gianni Russo (the scheming abusive husband from The Godfather, hilariously attempting a turn here as a government spook) and Cheryl Rainbeaux Smith—she of Charlie Band’s “X-rated” Cinderella reboot and the absolutely bonkers Revenge of the Cheerleaders, in which she co-starred with David Hasslehoff, who played a drugged-out basketball jock named “boner.”
Yeah, how can you go wrong, right?
The sequel I imagine here would have taken place just at the turn of the 1980s, as Charles Band mounted his ambitious 3-D productions of Parasite and Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn. The original Laserblast made a pretty big splash when initially released, and the follow-up film would have been rushed into production to capitalize on that success, deploying all of the actors and technicians responsible for the original—with the notable addition of cinematographer Mac Ahlberg, another historical figure in exploitation films. Having shot everything from Re-Animator to The Brady Bunch Movie, this guy is tops in my book, and would have elevated Son of Laserblast a cut above its predecessor.
The story of the sequel?
Well . . . that’s for YOU to invent, kids!
Here’s the set up. Nine months after Laserblast, Cathy (Cheryl Rainbeaux) gives birth to the son of her dead lover, who of course, turned into a monster and went berserk in the last film before being zapped dead by turtle aliens. The child inexplicably grows to adulthood in just three years. And then weird things start happening . . .
But what are those weird things? Talk to us. Tell us what you think Billy Jr. should be up to in this movie. Post a comment. Talk to me at my website. TWEET THIS MOTHERFUCKER. Who knows, maybe old Charlie will take note and make the movie for us? Stranger things have happened.
Meanwhile, enjoy the Laserblasting. It’s dedicated to those fallen heroes who live on through the magic of film.
Click here for the full-size image.
AUTHOR’S NOTE: This poster is intended as FAN ART only and is designed to be shared, for free, for anyone who wants to own it for themselves. Download it, share it, spread the horror! And come see me at my website for more fun.