5 Disturbing Characters That Will Make You Happy You’re Single
Sharai Bohannon
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Valentine’s Day is upon us again. Unlike Hallmark, a lot of us will not be getting more business than usual this weekend. While there are a lot of cool things we could talk about regarding being single during random holidays, I’m a creepy bitch who likes scary movies and writes streaming guides. With that, I present to The Midnight Society: 5 Disturbing Characters That Will Make You Happy You’re Single! Swipe left, stay in, and judge these characters found below!
The Fly (1986)
Seth Brundle, Played By Jeff Goldblum
Where You Can Watch: Amazon Prime
A journalist begins dating a brilliant scientist who turns himself into a giant fly creature. Can you imagine landing Zaddy Jeff Goldblum, and then he turns himself into a fucking fly? He also blames you because he did it to himself when you left to run a damn errand. A fly with an attitude too, as the leaky-handed cheating bastard dares to put Ronnie (played by Geena Davis) out of his gross apartment. He then turns around and invites her back four weeks later when he thinks he’s dying as if this is her problem. Let’s not even get into how off the rails he gets when finds out she’s pregnant and decides to kidnap her and merge the two of them with their fly fetus in his lab of experiments gone wrong. Seth is possibly the most disturbing, and gooiest, character on the list.
Honeymoon (2014)
Bea, Played By Rose Leslie
Where You Can Watch: Pluto TV, Tubi, and Vudu
A honeymoon takes a turn when the bride goes for a walk in the woods and comes back drastically different. This one is especially rude because they made it down the aisle before the horror red flags started waving. What’s the point of getting married if you can’t even have a legit honeymoon? Paul (played by Harry Treadaway) is asking too many questions when he should be leaving. Bea is a different person now, and this relationship is too fresh to stick this out. Also, she’s now bleeding way too much for a partner who is even paying the bare minimum of attention to not wonder if something supernatural is going on. Instead of leaving her to root around in her vag with a stick on the bathroom floor, Paul ties her to the bed and decides to also get weird as they make their way towards answers. This is now the new movie I will be thinking about as my friends announce their engagements. Please check out this bloody mess before you download the apps and get back out there!
It Follows (2015)
Hugh, Played By Jake Weary
Where You Can Watch: Netflix
A woman finds out that her boyfriend gave her something supernatural and deadly when they had sex. All I have to say about this situation is, “No.” The dating scene is scary enough without worrying about catching someone’s demons for what seems like mediocre car sex. Jay’s (Maika Monroe) story is the first case where I’ll even hear an argument for abstinence. Like, how do you tell someone with a straight face that you gave them demons? Throw the whole boy away and take me to the convent immediately. I watched this movie from under my weighted blanket with my friends on the phone and was still not comforted. I may never know comfort again and will be adding “are you demon-free?” to my already long list of questions I have to ask new people.
Pet (2016)
Seth, Played By Dominic Monaghan
Where You Can Watch: Pluto TV, The Roku Channel, Tubi, and Vudu
A guy gets his old crush to notice him by kidnapping her and putting her in a cage under the shelter where he works. While a lot of us think we want secret admirers, I don’t think most people want it to go this far. I know that I would not do well in this scenario as someone who refuses to go camping and was always a little suspicious of public restrooms. I can’t even imagine my response to being shown my bathroom bucket that would be sharing this unsanitary nightmare space with me. Hopefully, the next installment of the Saw franchise takes notes from Seth because he’s making Jigsaw’s traps look merciful. Seth’s casual stalking, and kidnapping, are also major points of concern but I will never get over being caged with a bucket to shit in. This movie broke me in a way that I didn’t know I could be broken. Everything about it was disturbing.
Vampire In Brooklyn (1995)
Maximillian, Played By Eddie Murphy
Where You Can Watch: Hulu and Paramount+
A vampire arrives in Brooklyn looking for his soulmate. This horror-comedy has an all-star cast that almost distracts you from the central idea. Love bites when the rich secret admirer we all thought we wanted is a murderous vampire. Not only is he killing people in Rita’s (Angela Bassett) zip code, but he also has family secrets her mother never told her. I can’t think of a worse way to find out who you are than from the vampire that’s already started to turn you. I wanted Rita to track down a family member, or friend of the family after she staked her supposed soulmate. She deserves to throw hands a few more times for everything she went through.
Bonus:
Scream (1996)
Billy Loomis, Played By Skeet Ulrich
Where You Can Watch: Peacock
I know Scream doesn’t need any more press right now, but I wouldn’t be a millennial if I didn’t put the most disturbing boyfriend of the ’90s on this list. Billy kills Sidney’s mom, her friends, and almost kills her, which sets off a chain of events that will haunt her for decades in this beloved franchise. This is almost as bad as the It Follows situation because whenever she thinks she has peace someone pops up and reminds her of her serial killer ex-boyfriend. I don’t want most of the people I knew during my teens to talk to me, let alone be the reason murder sprees break out around me whenever I get my life together. This is another situation that would lead me to stop talking to men immediately. I would also never use a phone again, but that’s a different streaming guide.
If you want to commit to a disturbing character for more than two hours, you can always check out Joe Goldberg because all 3 seasons of You are streaming on Netflix. If he can’t kill love for you, then no one will, and all of my work is for nothing.
Find me at @misssharai to talk about other disturbing characters that make us happy we’re single pringles this Hallmark season!
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