Tomb, The (DVD)
Directed by Ulli Lommel
Distributed by Lionsgate
Hi! Welcome to Hell! Today we will be showing you H.P. Lovecraft’s The Tomb which is directed by that master of celluloid, Ulli Lommel. We hope you enjoy your stay in the abyss of eternal damnation and that this film will help in easing the infinite amount of suffering our lord, Satan, has planned for you. Starbucks coffee and coconut covered jelly rolls are available in the Kitchen of Despair.
That, my friends, is exactly what the first level of hell is like. It is a orientation to get you ready for the endless torment that awaits the wicked. Before you are pushed into the pit you sit in a cramped theatre and are shown one of Ulli Lommel’s films. There’s no popcorn, hand jobs or even screaming babies to distract you from the shit storm that is playing on the screen. You … are fucked.
How dare Ulli Lommel associate himself with anything Lovecraft created. When one thinks of H.P. it is doubtful that the first thought that would come to mind would be a Saw knock-off, a jumbled plot, and rape. A real effort has to be made in order to fuck up a short/basic Lovecraft story on a low budget. It takes a special kind of talent to take the creepy work of that famed writer and turn it into a vile and boring waste of energy.
Kicking things off with the budget, when was the last time this man even made a halfway decent movie with a budget over $5,000? Sometime in the 1980s, perhaps? The returns must be really good on Lommel’s films if the studios are willing waste time and money on more of his endeavors. The plan must be to make a movie as cheap and quick as possible just so you can continue to receive a paycheck. Gotta love a man who will cheat not only the system but horror fans as well.
Speaking of cheating … it looks like this latest Lommel DVD doesn’t have his name anywhere on it until you read the fine print on the back. A quick glance at the cover would have many believing this may be a good buy or rental. There’s not even a single screen shot on the back, just lots of stylized images that don’t really appear in the final product. Lionsgate also looks to be shying away from associating with Ulli since their logo is so tiny and tucked away in a corner unlike previous releases from this director.
So is it as bad as the previous paragraphs make it seem? Oh, yes!
In an attempt to capture fans of the Saw franchise Ulli Lommel has crafted a story that has almost nothing to do with H.P. Lovecraft’s The Tomb. Instead of a story about Jervas Dudley and his exploits in a crypt we get a ripoff of Jigsaw complete with distorted voice, references to playing a game and some of the worst audio ever put onto a film.
A man known as the Puppetmaster has abducted many people who have done him wrong in the past and placed them in a warehouse full of death and torment. Each person is either slightly injured or just totally fucked up with massive wounds thanks to the master’s large plastic axe; how a person can survive and act normal after having a large axe planted in their skull is beyond me. The victims who can overcome their injuries can attempt to play the Puppetmaster’s game in order to live, but only one can be victorious.
After what seems like an hour of nothing but muted voices and dead people in caskets one of the captives does manage to escape and finds a Porsche parked outside. The freshly freed chick then proceeds to drive to a motel room where she is raped. Ah, now that is a story that makes total sense. She bashes the guy over the head with a lamp and the movie is over.
Well, at least Ulli got the Saw rip-off out of the way so now he can focus on the next big thing in horror. One thing he still seems to be obsessed with is rape though. It appears that the last three that I’ve seen always have at least one scene of a woman being forced to have sex with someone. This may be a bit unhealthy.
What can really be said about this movie? It was just bad. Not only was it shit, but it was cheap shit. After about 81 minutes it is easy to see all of The Tomb‘s props came from Party City. It is not easy to strike fear into an audience when the bad guy is sitting at a Mac computer with bargain bin Halloween decorations surrounding him. Being a badass does not happen by painting skull faces on dolls.
In short The Tomb is yet another in a long line of horrible movies from Lommel. The lack of a quality cast, script or even camera work show that this man isn’t even trying to make entertaining pictures. His main goal is to keep the cash flowing in so he can one day remake his forgotten Boogeyman movie. Get ready Party Warehouse! Ulli is going to clean you out when those fake hands and plastic cauldrons go on sale!
• Awesome Unrated Digital Mastering!!!
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