Killing Bigfoot (TV)
Foywonder
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Starring the Gulf Coast Bigfoot Research Organization (GCBRO)
Airs on Destination America
Has anyone coined the term “craptozoology” to describe television shows like “Killing Bigfoot,” or do I have the honor of being the first?
Destination America’s new series “Killing Bigfoot” ups the ante for crypto-hunting television shows by following the members of the GCBRO (Gulf Coast Bigfoot Research Organization) as they stomp about the Southeastern United States with one goal in mind: to actually kill a Bigfoot.
Right out the gate the show is crippled by a serious logistical problem. In order to kill a Bigfoot, one must first find a Bigfoot; and if they haven’t found him in six seasons of an actual show called “Finding Bigfoot,” something tells me the Dale Gribble Arlen Gun Club of Cryptozoology is never going to get a chance to fill him full of lead.
Despite the title’s bold mission statement, the only thing truly distinguishing “Killing Bigfoot” from other shows of its ilk is that these particular Bigfoot hunters are, in fact, actual hunters, armed to the teeth; and those teeth reside within heads attached to necks much redder than usual, the exception being the hillbillies of Destination America’s other “craptozoology” series “Mountain Monsters”; their necks are so red they’re turning purple.
When heavily armed men gather in a circle to say a prayer to the Lord Jesus Christ before heading out into the woods to shoot a Sasquatch, you might be a redneck.
The graphics introducing key members of the GCBRO flash by so fast during the opening credits I couldn’t tell you any of their names. Fitting, because in the episode that was made available for review, none of them comes across as having any discernible personality with the lone exception of their team leader, Jim. I only know his name because he gets the most screen time in the episode and made an unfavorable impression for most of it. Either Jim is a condescending jerk in real life, or he ought to be mad at the producers for how he’s portrayed for much of this program. Of course, he’s probably just playing to the cameras, of which there’s quite clearly a considerable amount, to an absolutely eye-rolling degree.
The nadir of disgracefully manufactured moments occurs when the show dares to have someone off-camera quite obviously drop a twig onto the shoulder of a Bigfoot hunter perched under a tree with a sniper rifle so that he can react with startled excitement and begin screaming about how there’s some sort of creature in the trees above them. Even if they acknowledged the phoniness by slapping the words “DRAMATIC REENACTMENT” at the bottom of the screen, this event is shot and staged in such a staggeringly inauthentic manner it bypasses laughable and becomes downright embarrassing to watch.
The only portion of this otherwise boring rehash of every other craptozoology show that I found even remotely entertaining – more like morbidly fascinating – was the great debate at an Oklahoma Bigfoot conference where Joe makes the case for killing Bigfoot, much to the disdain of nearly everyone else in the room. Even the sensible people opposing him begin to sound like unhinged lunatics as they practically froth at the mouth with rage screaming about the sanctity of Sasquatch life. “Who made you God to kill an animal like that?!” declared a particularly riled up pro-life Squatcher.
Listening to a room full of people angrily debate the ethics of killing a Bigfoot… ladies and gentlemen, this is first world white people problems taken to their Elmer Fudd-ish extreme.
I did learn one thing from this squabble. Did you know it’s actually legal to hunt Sasquatch in Texas? Proving once and for all, you can kill anything in Texas.
The arguments Jim and company make for wanting to kill a Bigfoot fall into two categories, the first being that nobody will ever truly believe that Sasquatch exists until someone produces a body. Okay, fair enough. That I can at least understand. The other prime argument bandied about repeatedly is that these creatures are potentially dangerous and one must resort to lethal measures in order to protect their life and property. Like when they interview a woman who tells of how something she believes to be a Bigfoot has been spooking her dogs and stealing fruit from her persimmon tree. Clearly, whatever that is needs killin’.
The subject of the review episode isn’t even Bigfoot, per se. They’re hunting smaller Squatch-like creatures of Central Louisiana referred to as “Devil Monkeys.” Killing any distant relative of the Bigfoot family will suffice, I suppose. It did lead to this particular on-air graphic that for some reason made me chuckle. Not everyone can be a “Monkey Eyewitness.”
The episode boasts a lot more hearsay, than “here-see.” We hear the story of an alleged Bigfoot hit & run resulting in a supposed body on the side of the road. What became of this reported Bigfoot corpse is the key part of that story conveniently left out. Another brief aside tells of a hunter found drowned after reportedly shooting a Sasquatch, the insinuation being that other creatures of its kind killed him out of revenge.
First of all, Squatch Wish sounds like it would have been the greatest Bigfoot movie Charles Bronson never made. Secondly, that story sure sounds like something you’d think a show of this nature would focus more on instead of tossing it out there and quickly moving on without any follow-up.
But I think we all know that’s not the point of shows like this, is it? These cryptid hunting shows are all about people acting foolish or frightened as they endlessly skulk about the woods treating every little thing they comes across as direct evidence. Bigfoot is always Option A. No matter what happens… No matter how trivial the evidence… No matter how much of it is nothing more than speculation and conjecture… It was probably Bigfoot.
Tree branches broken?
Bigfoot.
Animal noises at night?
Bigfoot.
Something moved in the darkness?
Bigfoot.
What’s this tuft of fur we found?
Bigfoot.
When they find part of an animal jawbone in a field, a member of the team with some medical training examines it for three seconds and declares that it is most definitely not human. I would hope not. Otherwise, forget Bigfoot – you’ve just stumbled upon a crime scene.
I’m telling you these people could tie Sasquatch into the Kennedy assassination. Who was that behind the grassy knoll?
Bigfoot.
It doesn’t seem lost on some of these hunters that they’re finding nothing and having to pretend as if it’s proof when on camera.
“Something walked through here. Could be anything.” – Actual quote from “Killing Bigfoot”
You don’t say?
You can also make a drinking game out of every time a GCBRO member utters the word “eyeshine” – the term used to describe the reflection of light in an animal’s eyes at night. We don’t ever really see any “eyeshine,” but they sure love talking about it.
I’m a lifelong cryptozoology/paranormal buff. However, I find most shows like this, the ones where they go out in search of these creatures, to be almost always insufferable wastes of time. I’ve come to realize over the years that whether or not Bigfoot is real is almost irrelevant to me. I regard Sasquatch, the Loch Ness Monster, Chupacabras, etc., as modern day folklore. The way the people of the Middle Ages told of dragons and basilisks, the way lumberjacks sat around a campfire spinning yards about splinter cats and hoop snakes, the modern monsters of cryptozoology I find fascinating more as modern mythology than something tangible that armed men are going to hunt down. But I’m sure if they had camera back in the 1800’s, we’d have numerous seasons of “Hodag Hunters” to binge watch today.
Now, “Monsters & Mysteries in America” was a cryptid show on Destination America I really enjoyed. Just have alleged witnesses tell their stories with dramatic recreations that straddle the fence between spooky and hokey. I’m okay with that. Craptozoology like “Killing Bigfoot” is a whole lot of nothing, and this one fails to even make the men or monsters even remotely interesting. I give them credit for taking the subject matter seriously, but there’s a serious lack of entertainment value.
They’re not going to find or kill anything, folks. Know how I know this for a fact? Not a matter of whether or not you believe Bigfoot exists. If anyone ever actually kills a Bigfoot, you’re going to hear about it on the news, that day, on every single network. You are not going to have to wait to learn of this earth-shattering reveal until Season Three, Episode 11 of “Storage Squatchers” (the show where Bigfoot bargain hunters buy abandoned storage lockers in hopes of finding Sasquatch living inside one. Copyright Scott Foy 2017).
The first season of Destination America’s “Killing Bigfoot” is only slated to run six episodes. Something tells me one could use the disclaimer “No Bigfeet Were Harmed in the Making of this Show,” and it will prove true by the end of the show’s run no matter how many seasons it lasts.
This show made me weep for the species, and I don’t mean Bigfoot’s.
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