Shelved (2016)
Starring Sarah Bertz Thomas, Jennifer Inks, Denny Crum, Kenley Mead.
Directed by Michael E. Cullen II
Christmas is on its way, but Shelved has arrived to bring holiday cheer to you and your fellow horror freaks. So, hang up your stockings, set the gluten-free cookies and soy milk out for Santa, and gather around for a Christmas story that reminds us why that big green tree looks so much better drenched in dark red blood.
The story begins Gremlins-style, with Mr. Montgomery, an average father, completing his last-minute Christmas shopping at a pawn shop and setting his sights on an ill-advised present. But rather than the high-maintenance pet monster of the aforementioned Joe Dante film, this lack-wit goes for the creepy elf doll with the sinister grin, and presents it to his family as an addition to their Yuletide countdown. But the doll isn’t what it seems; it’s a runaway elf named Private Gumdrop, who used to excel at keeping an eye on children worldwide until his fellow elves got jealous and tortured him to madness. The only one to see the doll’s true form is Alice, the young child of the Montgomery family, and Gumdrop threatens to kill her and her parents if she tells anyone he’s real.
Here’s what I love about Shelved: it doesn’t take itself super seriously. It’s silly—a “slashomedy,” as director Michael Cullen calls it—and silliness in horror films is fantastic when it’s done well. The general consensus of how to do it well is to walk a bit of a narrative tightrope, balancing perfectly between horror elements and comedy but always remaining focused on your horror-loving audience, who are likely the ones paying good money to watch your movie. Now, while Shelved may not walk that tightrope with Joseph Gordon-Levitt perfection, there are a few genuinely sublime characteristics which, at the very least, outperform anything Krampus-related of the past few years.
Take the sheer creepiness of Gumdrop, for instance. Everything about this miniature menace, from his soot-covered expression to his threats spoken in nasally rhymes, made my skin crawl for all the right reasons. As a big-time lover of short-round antagonists like Chucky the Good Guy Doll and Lubdan the Leprechaun, I was delighted by this little bastard’s particular brand of mayhem. From stealing toy cars and playing live-action Grand Theft Auto, to shitting in the Christmas cookies and letting Alice take the blame, Gumdrop is a menace who’s as quick with a knife as he is with campy Christmas humor.
Another high point, particularly on the comedic side, is Alice’s place in the Montgomery family dynamic. Most parents encourage innocence and blissful ignorance in their young children, but not Alice’s parents—her mother, Janet Montgomery, has a pathological aversion to anything gluten-related, sugar-related, or commercialism-related, and she preaches her beliefs so often Alice knows her rants by heart. This is all in the spirit of keeping her daughter healthy, yet when Alice tells her “There was someone scary in my bedroom last night,” Janet’s first reaction is to have Alice see a shrink. It goes on and on like this, and I nearly fell out of my chair laughing when Alice rattled off her mother’s latest diatribe to the shrink, whose dumbfounded expression really sells the scene.
But despite being of the personality type most people strive to avoid, Alice’s mother earns a little sympathy from the audience. Daddy Dipshit dresses and speaks like he’s never interacted with another human being, Grandma’s the bible-banging boogeybitch our rock idols warned us about, and keeping up with the proverbial Joneses has left Janet unable to form any meaningful connections with her friends. The character has depth, which rescues the movie from collapsing into only silliness.
There are also numerous creative kills, which is the real reason we watch campy horror movies, and each mutilation and murder is complemented by Gumdrop’s twisted holiday humor.
But since honest critique is the difference between a review and an advertisement, I must point out a few things that troubled me as a viewer. I was a bad kid this year, and I’m sure I’m getting nothin’ but coal, so it’s time to hurl a few jingle bells at the good kids behind the camera.
As far as the setup goes, there’s nothing really new here: kid discovers doll is alive, parents don’t believe kid, doll kills people until Doctor-Loomis-type shows up and believes kid, doll is vanquished with an opening for a sequel. That’s not to say the story is bad, only that it doesn’t stray far from the safe route, and I would’ve been so much happier if this big, bow-wrapped present of a horror flick featured a few more surprise razor blades tucked into the ribbon.
There’s also the matter of special effects, which were, across the board, underwhelming. Visible puppet strings, CGI fire, and slapdash gore makeup all took me out of the movie at various points, and once the illusion’s been shattered it’s difficult to enjoy even the good parts, because I’m suddenly on the lookout for those slips. As far as the puppet strings go, I think an easy remedy would’ve been committing to either CGI doll movements or puppetry, not both. I was impressed by the slick editing when the doll’s movements were CGI, but every scene involving practical doll movements really bummed me out because they just didn’t work.
All told, Shelved is a damn good time, and the silliness goes beyond just what’s presented in the story. Every actor turns their performance up to 11, and even if you’re of the eyerolling, facepalming personality, you’ll pick up on the overwhelming sense of fun pervading even the bloodiest scenes. And that’s what Christmas is all about, isn’t it? Creating magic with friends, rallying together to put on a good show, and smiling warmly as you throw buckets of blood on a well-lit fir tree?
Not every viewer will be on the same page as Shelved, but the cast and crew surely were.
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Film
Categorized:Reviews
