Hairmetal Shotgun Zombie Massacre: The Movie (2016)
Mr. Dark
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Featuring new original music from Tim “Ripper” Owens and Marzi Montazeri and cameos by Tom Araya, Randy Blythe, and David Vincent
Directed by Josh Vargas
Hair Metal Shotgun Zombie Massacre premiered at the 2016 Texas Frightmare Zombie Weekend, and it’s a total wreck. The plot is an open ripoff of Evil Dead II right down to the cabin design, the FX are cheesy and awful, the acting is almost universally amateurish, the whole concept is straight-up absurd, and I have no idea how it even got made.
And I loved every single moment of it.
HMSZM is one of those movies that is absolutely more than the sum of its parts. Everything I said above it true; yet, the whole thing manages to be just pure cinematic joy. Everything about it is just way too much fun to get caught up on… well, anything you’d normally care about.
The plot, what there is of it, revolves around hair metal band Witch’s Lips, is set in 198X, and has them going to a shack in the middle of a graveyard to record an album. While there, they raise the dead, the shotguns come out, and mayhem ensues. Along the way we have hilariously self-important black metal bands, cameos by real-life metal greats, and tons of cocaine.
Having been a part of all the things you see in HMSZM, I can say they captured a lot of that era very accurately. (Yes, I was in a band; yes, spandex was involved… and hairspray; and no, I’m not posting pictures.) This is the dark side of the feelings displayed in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. Raw ambition, low IQ’s, mixed talent, and lots of loud music came together to make a magical moment in time where a bunch of complete idiots could actually make music that people would pay money to listen to. That’s all here, with the Witch’s Lips guys stumbling their way towards the dream of metal glory despite their ability to function at a basic level in life.
All the tropes, from the coke- and sex-obsessed lead singer to the burnout zombie bassist (here played by Texas legend Parrish Randall and mostly limited to mumbling “Fuck Deicide!”), are represented; and they’re perfect in their oh-so-stupid glory and set to a killer soundtrack that includes new music by Tim “Ripper” Owens.
One of the few errors in the film is that the filmmakers get caught up in that side of things and take way too long to get to the zombies. A side plot involving a stereotypical evil record executive isn’t needed and drags the film down when it’s just getting to the good stuff. A little less searching for metal success and a little more shooting the undead would have been a good idea. The anachronisms are a little weird, too. It’s 198X; yet, we have laptops, smartphones, As I Lay Dying, and Five Finger Death Punch.
In the end, though, it doesn’t matter. None of it matters. You’ll be too busy laughing at the whole affair and throwing horns at the hard rock in-jokes to care. That has to be said: The harder of hardcore metal maniac you are, the more you’ll enjoy this movie. If Dave Matthews is your idea of rocking out, a lot of the references and humor here may be lost on you. If you think moshing is the best activity one can do with friends and enemies alike, you’re in for a hell of good time.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go fire up YouTube and find some old episodes of “Headbanger’s Ball.”
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Film
Categorized:Reviews
