Mega Shark vs. Kolossus (2015)
Foywonder
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Starring Illeana Douglas, Ernest L. Thomas, Amy Rider, Brody Hutzler, Team Unicorn
Directed by Christopher Ray
There’s a moment of truly sublime madness leading into the climax of Mega Shark vs. Kolossus. A monolithic Megalodon shark rules the seas and the skies above it while a colossal Cold War Russian robot loaded with enough explosive energy to make Hiroshima look like a hiccup stalks the lands; in order to kill two birds with one stone by getting these two to fight to the death, one has to first figure out a way to lure these two together. What better way to do so than to get this walking Communist doomsday device to give chase after a helicopter trailing a giant American flag? Well, obviously, right?
With the fourth installment of The Asylum’s Mega Shark series, it would seem they have taken my previous Godzilla analogies to heart more so than ever before. Mega Shark vs. Kolossus fully embraces its Japanese giant monster movie motif from the get-go with an introductory montage of mostly stock footage with news voiceovers explaining the Megalodon shark’s worldwide reign of terror and crippling impact on all aquatic enterprises in language straight out of many a Godzilla flick.
Though, perhaps, just maybe, rather than the “King of the Monsters,” Cthulhu might actually be a more apropos comparison. In addition to striking fear in the hearts of all humanity, the mere presence of the god-like mega shark is enough to drive previously sane people suicidally megalomaniacal in their determination to destroy it or insanely genocidal in their desire to capture it and use it for their own nefarious means. I wouldn’t be surprised if the next sequel introduces a Lovecraftian cult worshiping at the alter of Mega Shark. At this rate Mega Shark vs. Cthulhu will probably be the next installment for all I know.
Yet another Megalodon shark has emerged from the depths of the ocean. You see, the mega shark is part of the ecosystem and keeps coming back because it is somehow restoring the balance of nature or something along those lines, an explanation tossed out that sounded strangely reminiscent of things heard in last year’s Godzilla.
After destroying ships and Air Jaws-ing planes out of the sky, after laying waste to the Navy, the Air Force, a giant octopus, whatever the hell a Crocosaurus is, and a mechanized shark sub/tank hybrid over the course of three films, the world as we know it now lives in such fear of the emergence of a new Mega Shark I kind of hoped the filmmakers would have gotten especially cheeky and done their own version of that classic Attack of the Killer Tomatoes scene when the guy in the cafeteria calmly says “tomato” and everyone else in the room runs screaming for their lives.
Neither a team of sexy cosplayers in bosom-enhancing Matrix-wear piloting killer whale-shaped battle subs nor the full militaristic might of Naval Admiral Ernest Thomas and his need to state every line of dialogue with maximum emphasis can stop this super-sized shark as it chomps its way to oceanic domination.
Ernest Thomas, now there’s a name I haven’t heard in a long time. When was the last time you saw Rog from “What’s Happening?!” in a movie? Do you even know what “What’s Happening?!” is?
Seeing Illeana Douglas starring in a movie such as this makes me wonder if this is what her career as come to or if Sharknado becoming a pop culture sensation has made it easier for agents to assure their clients playing the lead in a ridiculous b-movie about a giant shark fighting a giant robot will be good for them. Either/or, Douglas appears totally game, even having fun much of the time, reciting ludicrous dialogue such as “This man’s ignorance about sharks may cause the end of mankind” with surprisingly believable conviction.
Douglas’ character is sort of along the lines of Charlie Day’s Pacific Rim character: somewhat dorky Marine biologist totally obsessed with the Mega Shark. Much to her chagrin, the Navy doesn’t listen to her theories and decides to go with a foolish rival whose ignorance about sharks really does lead us closer to the end of mankind. The one person willing to listen to her is a Tony Stark-esque tech billionaire with a state-of-the-art vessel who very much wants to capture the shark alive and unlock its secrets. A preposterous third-act plot twist involving this wealthy madman briefly takes the film from Japanese kaiju flick to “Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.” territory.
Meanwhile, over in the former Soviet Union, a giant robot called Kolossus – a long forgotten relic from the Cold War, has been unintentionally activated by nogoodniks seeking its “red mercury,” an ultimate power source of MacGuffin-esque proportions. These mercenaries meddling with the Kolossus’ power supply include Japanese and Russian characters whose English language dialogue is subtitled at the bottom of the screen even though their English is fairly easy to understand.
Anyone even remotely familiar with Attack on Titan will instantly recognize the design of the Kolossus as being based on the Colossal Titan. Heck, in Japan, Mega Shark vs. Kolossus is even being released under the title Mega Shark vs. Great Titan. Now they’re even mockbustering international properties. The Global Asylum, indeed.
Kolossus spends much of the movie stomping about (often on people) and devastating anything that dares cross its path. Stopping it is crucial because it was designed to be a weapon of mass destruction that can walk and fight its way to its target in order to go boom and its red mercury mega boom could also threaten the world. It’s up to American forces to find a way to stop it because the Russians seemingly have no interest cleaning up their mess. The only Russian with any skin in this game is its guilt-ridden inventor, long since in hiding, and even when they find him, he’s more interested in monologuing his woes in great detail than actually being proactive in preventing a cataclysm of his own creation.
Like many a classic kaiju movie, the human drama side of things consists of an inordinate amounts of scientific gobbledygook and military mumbo jumbo as to the nature of both titular terrors and how to contend with them. But that’s not why we watch such movies. We watch to see a humpback whale loaded with C4 used to bait a monster shark. We watch to see a shark send oceanic vessels flying and crashing like wiffle balls. We watch to see a giant robot that never does not look like an action figure from some long forgotten 70s/80s toyline come to life wrecking stuff. We watch to see that giant robot hammer throw a shark into orbit. We watch to see a Soviet super weapon baited with an American flag so large it nearly nets a Megalodon.
And to be completely honest, as preposterous as it all is, the plot here really isn’t any more convoluted than several big screen blockbusters this summer, like say Terminator: Genisys.
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