Old 37 (2015)
Starring Bill Moseley, Kane Hodder, Brandy Cyrus
Directed by Alan Smithee
Abbott and Costello. Redford and Newman. DeNiro and Pacino. Lemmon and Matthau. Look, I could drone on endlessly about the mile-long list of actors that once they teamed up for a particular film (or films), the end product was nothing short of remarkable. Now, I’m not talking about couples in the sense of love interest here – we’re talking about scene-chewing and total attention demanding presences, and while many genres have had their share of double-threats, how about us starving horror fans, huh? Aside from Freddy and Jason teaming up back in 2003 to wreak havoc upon a bunch of unsuspecting teens (which in essence was fairly lackluster), I’m honestly drawing a blank as to how many powerhouses have teamed up to dish out some punishment…well, welcome to 2015.
From Director “Alan Smithee” comes Old 37, a blood-soaked, slasher fan’s wet dream that promises to satiate every hardcore horror aficionado to the core. With the superpower combination of genre heavyweights Bill Moseley and Kane Hodder, all you need to do is cinch up your splash guard, because there WILL be some crimson dousing in waves. While the two have worked together on previous projects, this particular feature gives them both the opportunity to do what pays the bills: slaughter, dismember, and maim, and boy do they do it well! The movie follows the exploits of Jon Roy (Hodder) and Darryl (Moseley) as a couple of sadistic brothers who like to intercept paramedic calls in their junked out ambulance, and dispatch a special blend of gruesome treatment to accident victims. Think about it: you’re at your absolute lowest and most vulnerable state after an accident, and all you are wishing for is for someone to take care of you, and at that moment when you see those flashing lights on the scene, a wave of relief washes over you, until you realize that these aren’t the caregivers that have been sent to act as saviors, instead will be making sure that this meat wagon spin will be the last one you take, ever.
It seems that Jon Roy and Darryl are the product of a “dysfunctional family” – that’s the best way I can describe the events of their childhood. From dealing with a psychotic abusive father that never left his medic days behind him in the service (he traveled from scene to scene to torture victims, all the while with the kids in the bus), to later holding closed-door dental procedures on little brother Jon Roy, which today is the reason why he wears a leather mask over his nose and mouth. Today, they spend their time holed up in their Dad’s auto scrap yard, waiting to pounce on some unlucky drivers, and while Darryl is the brains, if you will, Jon Roy is the brawn, and together their penchant for bloodshed is legendary. While I’m extolling the virtues of this colossal collaboration, lest I forget that there is a storyline that runs parallel to our duo of dastardly destruction…although I honestly think most of you won’t care about it. Amy (Caitlin Harris), is a shy lass who is attempting to overcome a tragic double gut-punch over the past year, losing both her father and best friend, and wondering what she needs to do break out of her rut. Her incredibly buxom neighbor Brooke (Olivia Alexander) serves no other purpose to taunt and bully Amy into making her think that her existence is simply meaningless – talk about a support system.
As the entitled bunch of rich kids race their cars down lonely stretches of back roads for entertainment purposes, we realize that these spoiled brats will soon be fodder for the beasts, and after watching what was like a demented hour-long episode of Dawson’s Creek, do we finally get down to what we all came here for: to watch useless, materialistic adolescents who think that the sun rises and sets on their asses get the come-uppance that they rightfully deserve. Now, I’m not going to swing the wrecking ball at the first-half of the film, but it pales in comparison to the second half, and a glorious conclusion. I’m tellin ya, and I’ll preach it on the mountain if I have to: I’ve been waiting for a movie like this and FINALLY, the ship has come in! From Moseley’s sarcastic one-liners (“It’s okay, I’m a paramedic“) to Hodder’s muted brutality, this film has got all its pieces in order to bring joy to those who crave horror star-power and true lovers of visceral amusement.
Plainly stated: this is already on a VERY short list of my favorites for 2015 so far – do yourself a huge favor and give this one a look when it releases its angry intentions upon the masses this summer.